Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Behold The Festive Ceramic Pig, Gatekeeper at the Doors of Hell

  • I hope Leta doesn’t have to see this thing on a daily basis. Poor little thing…

  • Maria

    Wondering: How many commenters will actually bid on the candycane humping pig before the Ebay auction is over?

  • Sheryl

    Colleen, online research is part of my job – I can find data under a rock, if it’s on the web.

    I searched Google with these terms: pig ceramic christmas OR xmas “candy cane”

    And if you can’t make that auction, you can find other Telle Stein stuff by searching under Decorative Collectibles:

    I can’t actually buy figurines. They make me violent. I have a fantasy of visiting my sister’s house with a ballpeen hammer and seeing how much damage I can do in 90 seconds. I’ve actually acted it out,going from room to room, waving a wiffle bat in mock destruction – when I’ve been over there babysitting and got bored after the girls went to bed.

    The Hummels were quivering in their plastic cases.

  • That thing is going to give me nightmares. There are just so many things wrong with that ….. *shudder*. My mother is a ceramic figurine ADDICT. I’m not sure, but I think that’s where my fear comes from….

  • Colleen from NJ

    Sheryl, I share your violent tendencies. My mom has Precious Moments prominently displayed. I write nasty messages behind pictures hung on the wall to keep my rage in check. It’s worked for 20 years so far.

  • Dr. Johnny Fever – I think I just peed my pants.

  • Kahli

    Isn’t that the guy who was always opening the drapes/curtains for the other guy on Twin Peaks? Those green drapes/curtains?

    Or, wasn’t he sitting next to the bed on the dead girl’s floor in Mulholland Drive?

  • Kahli

    Sometimes an eclectic dinner setting is preferred, it is “funky” and “chic” maybe even “fresh”

    I was going to work at a swanky little restaurant in Park City which makes a point of having mismatched dinner plates. “How funky! I feel so fashion forward after dinner tonight! Ronnie,let’s do it in the shower.”

  • Why does that hand have a pig head growing out of it?

  • Kahli

    Actually, didn’t they pull it out of the victim’s gaping stomach wound on L&O SVU last week?

  • pretty soon and your living room will be filled with little collectible elvis plates and hummel figurines.

  • Paula

    I had to come back for another look, and yep, still scares me. No bidders on ebay either. I wonder why?. heh.

  • Sheryl

    Kahli, I was being 100% facetious 🙂

    (…hope people know that. Unless people think that Jewish fols would use pigs in decoration as suggested by the good Doctor above)

  • Tracy

    Sheryl – damn, girl, nice detective work. I saw an equally, um, festive companion piece involving a bear straddling a salmon. Go where you will with that one…

  • Very Pretty…

  • That pig has relatives here.

  • Okay, *that* didn’t work. Here’s the link to the pig’s friends and relations:

  • Does no one else notice how filthy that pigs ears are? They’re black in the crevices… that is one dirty pig.

    I, too, wonder why no one has bid on that delightful e-bay pig yet. Come on, people– open up your wallets for our satan piggie!

  • Oh my god. That is hideous. Where can I get one?!

  • It obviously is enjoying a 30 minute orgasm induced by the peppermint on it’s “hooha”. Wouldn’t you?

  • MMMMMM I see a BBQ dinner and a candy cane for desert.

  • I also saw the hairy hand with a pig head attached to it.

    We have a term for these Grandma-craft decorations: Shit on a Stick. Like the stuff available at craft fairs that is usually embellished with hearts or angels and almost always utilizes some kind of “homespun charm.” It all makes me want to throw up – and my mother’s house is full of it.

    That and Cherished Teddies figurines which make me start to twitch with rage.

  • GMM

    Heatheranne- “hooha”?!! LOL
    That is a one creepy looking figurine. The third world slave labourer who painted that thing has no idea…

  • Why? WHY?!

  • did you get that at the christmas tree shop?

    it frightens me.

  • Yeah, Christy– they’re not Arts and Crafts Fairs, they’re Arts and Craps Fairs.

    And as a crapster–sorry–crafter–sorry–*artist* myself, I wish there was some kind of “teddy bear free” designation for the fairs that actually have nice work…

    On the other hand, I’ve halfway considered going over to the dark side to make some serious money with santa-hatted ceramic puppies. Under a nom-de-crap, of course.

  • Kahli

    Sheryl: so was I.

    Have a good Sunday everyone, Imust submit to the Academic Overlords and finish my “tasks”… they threatened me with the pig!

  • Sheryl

    Do you know the way to use eBay?

    Telle Stein Xmas Pig on Candy Cane Sleigh Ride Statue
    US $24.99 0 Bids
    1 hour 14 mins and counting!

  • Another one

    There’s a companion ornament by the same “artist” A pig dancing with candy cane over shoulder. One can only assume he’s doing a happy dance once he finished doing the deed.


  • ella’s ma

    I don’t know whether to avert my eyes or run right out and buy one for myself.

  • What the hell is that? That is mighty scary looking.


  • Holy shit, that’s the scariest side a pork I’ve ever seen! Did Leta run (crawl) screaming from the house?

  • Gia on Guam

    I knew it was a sled and not a pig humping a candy cane…for shame…you dirty minded doocaholics! 😛 Even tho I read “ceramic” I thought it was a good luck peppermint pig…

    Granted it isn’t, but perhaps a hammer should be taken to it anyway.

  • That pig has ear mites.

  • That pig is about as festive as an infected anal fistula…and just about as appetizing. I think that sow could be used for appetite control…and WORK!

  • If I wake up screaming in the night (again) I’m blaming that pig!

  • Now that’s just WRONG.

  • Helen

    My first reaction was “Oh, it could be worse…” I am fearful that some deep dark part of me actually likes it.

  • Mighty Jimbo- you got elvis plates??

  • Sheryl

    I was wondering the same thing –
    and does Mighty Jimbo have Elvis Plates, as in dinnerware…?

    Or does he have Elvis Plates as in customized license plates, hanging in the Livin’ Room…?

  • bee

    oh. my. god.

    i should have sheilded my eyes!! that is effing scary, and yet, hilarious.

  • Carol

    Yes!!! Quite a sight to jolt us out of our triptophan haze. The worst pig figurine ever!

    DG – that was the first thing I saw – a big scary hand!!!

    Not to worry Dooce. You are not alone in the mother-sometimes-has-bad-taste world. I, too, am a survivor.

    Hello everyone. Glad to see everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Now, all we need to hear is that DL didn’t have the guppy on the highway.

    Baby boy is wailing. Ahhh…. reality is back.

    : )

  • Pig says, in Antonio Banderas accent, “Oh yes my swirly, sugary confection, take it. Take it like theese, and like theese!”

    I’m just saying, I’ve been looking for a first edition velvet Elvis for years. You know, the one with the tear streaming down his cheek. Hard to find, imagine that.

  • patswin10-1

    the pig – let me tell you about kinky pig – a fun fraternity story – a young suckling was acquired by the pledges – he stunk of course and required a bath – the pledges got generous with the soap/shampoo and Kinky was quickly slick as the wet leaves you power slid into on your bike as a kid – the site of the pledges continuously losing their grips on Kinky was a hoot – not for Kinky of course – the story ends happily as Kinky returned safely home a few days later…still a virgin

  • Carol

    Hey Amanda B!!

    I also am a southern girl and luv the accent, honey! Hope you had a good holiday.

    I was talking all kinds of shit to my Grandmama about “Fo Shizzle” and “Lucius Pusey” and don’t you know that crazy 86-year-old broad was running away with dat shit. Well, not really. Her hearing aids weren’t working, but I know she enjoyed it just the same.

  • Carol- howdy darlin. You crack me up. Our holiday was wonderful, hope yours was too. Squeese the babyboy for me!

  • Carol

    Hey Amanda B.!

    No way, honeydollsugarpie, you crack ME up!!

    Hubby was on tonight – what a fucking coup!! So not an internet guy. “After all, I’m a very serious laywer, and I do not have time for this.” He actually posted!! He is “patswin10-1” and quite funny I think.

    We spent the entire day dealing with kids and putting up Christmas stuff. So now we’re drinking. So apologies for whatever happens tonight !! Woo hooo. Let the games begin.

    Hope y’all are game for some good commenting. Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

    Dooce? Are you there?

  • Sheryl

    Hey, y’all –
    I’m here. I’m no southern girl, but can I hang out with y’all anyway?

  • Carol

    Fuck yeah!

    Hey Sheryl- I asked you this question earlier (a couple of days ago) but don’t know if you read it…

    Do you live in Boston? Because I lived in Cambridge for about 6 years!! My husband is from Providence. Hence the insanity – Ha! : )

    So glad you are on!!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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