An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Behold The Festive Ceramic Pig, Gatekeeper at the Doors of Hell

  • Sheryl

    Yeah, I live in Chelsea, just northeast of Boston… I work in the financial district.

    Does your hubby have “the accent”?

  • So, that’s where pork flavored candy canes com from!!!!

  • Carol

    Well, that would have to be a big ole YES!!

    When two worlds collide!…

    My husband is Nicky and his brothers are Jimmy and Eddie and his sister are Maria and Eve. Good old Catholic Italian and Irish mix. Fucked up for sure, but they sure can COOK!!

    (I am about the most Southern, spoiled Daddy’s girl there is.)

    So, “Nicky”: A big family, lots of kids. Fun. But the thing that cracks me up is they say, “I’ll COOOOL you” (read “call”). Otherwise, everything is completely off kilter. Culture clash beyond belief.

    But… LOVED Boston. I lived in Cambridge my entire stay there (worked in Wenham, MA at an advertsiing agency). And Nick, I mean Nicky, went to law school at Suffolk. If that’s not fucking Boston, I don’t know what is!!

    How are things up there? Is the Big Dig finished? God, what a project!!

    Tell me what, young lady.

  • that is horrid horrid Why Dooce WHY??? PLEASE MAKE IT GO AWAY. I am loosing sleep tonight thanks to you!
    tee hee

  • Ok, I just checked out the eBay site of the big and from the ass end picture, that is just wrong. Just fucking wrong. I think I’m going to go throw up my nachos now.

  • Carol

    Ok, for whomever, while I’m waiting for Sherly to answer and because I’ve got jumpy fingers…

    I’m listening to The Lemonheads. And Evan Dando is HOT. Just disagree. Just do it. I dare you!!!

  • Carol

    OK, I’m drunk and laughing my ass off (but I guess that would be LMAO), but I meant Sheryl, not Sherly!!

    Ha.. hahahahahah. Bwah…ahahahahha.


  • Sheryl

    Things are pretty good in Beantown… I have been here for 7 years now. My BF moved here from NY state about 4 years ago. He’s an engineer. I’m a goober. I mean, I am a business analyst.

    I love living here, the seasons, the city being not so big that you can’t get around easily, great live music, wonderful museums, good restaurants. The Big Dig is NOT done, and may never be.

    I work in the first tower inside of the bay, across the street from the Harbor Hotel. Outside my building, they have torn down Rt 93, so there is the beginning stages of being able to see the sky from the ground. Can’t wait for the time when it’s all parks (unless they build more stores, which we don’t need). There are a lot of leaks in one of the new tunnels, which is a big scandal.

    I moved here from Ithaca NY to be near my sister and her family when my 13 year relationship broke up. I was an artist in a previous life and started in technology – because what other line of work can you start doing that will make you financially independent in one year?

  • Sherly (aka Sheryl)

    Hmmm, Evan Dando… I guess he’s ok.


  • Carol

    Can’t believe they have a LEAK!!!! So pissed. And I don’t even live there anymore. I mean it so DISRUPTED (is that a word?) peoples’ lives. Ugh!! I really hate the big dig. I lived there when it was just beginning. It sucked, huge!!

    Anyway, I do miss Boston, but mostly my AWESOME friends at work at Mullen Advertising. So many great people. Such a great city. I know exactly where you work.

    We’re going to be up there for Christmas and can’t wait to be in the cold and hopefully snow. Fo Shizzle. I mean it.

    That’s the thing I miss most. The seasons. We ski. A lot.

    What’s Ithaca like? And 13 years? that’s a long time. Give it up (the story), sistah. But only if you want.

    Oh, and I used to be an artist. But now I’m an “art director”.

    So glad you’re in New England. A place I know so well.

  • Carol

    Yeah, you better duck.

  • Sheryl

    They have many leaks. And flooding. They say it may take 10 years to repair the leaks in that one tunnel.

    I work for a good company myself but I am seriously thinking of doing something else. Hence the NaNoWriMo thing and other side projects.

    Do you like being an art director?

    Ithaca is a very sweet little village, and very idyllic in many ways. But it is also full of white upper middle class academics, and half full of uneducated service people. That part sucked. One of my minors in college was Working Class Consciousness. We were there because my ex got a job as a prof at Cornell. There were people there I loved, and wonderful gorges, and we lived right next to a beautiful bird sanctuary, but I think the place would have been too small for me even if the relationship had continued.

    That story: I was 18 and fell madly in love with my little brother’s best friend. We stuck together like glue. He went to undergrad in Santa Cruz, I worked in retail and painted and wrote. When I was 24, we moved east to Roch NY – he went to grad school and I went to undergrad. We moved to Ithaca, and bought a house after a couple of years. Then he basically had a breakdown and I gave up. It was for the best.

    We should email if you want more details (hell we should email anyway girl)…

    So what was the hair of the dog, err, umm pig tonight? Do you work from home?

  • woah.

  • Carol

    Well, you are just smart people. I kind of am… went to Vanderbilt. Only saying that so you know you’re not talking to a complete idiot. Although I probably misspelled something somewhere.

    “Then he basically had a breakdown and I gave up. It was for the best”…. this is me right… about… now! Only, sadly, we’re talking about my husband and I have two kids.

    My email is.. do I dare give it out because I don’t know any other way (although I’m sure there’s another secret “Dooce” way), but it’s There I did it. Is that so wrong? If it is…I’ll erase it. Ha!!

    So, Sheryl, write me and we will continue.

    And the hair of the dog is kids, husband, lonely mother, lonely wife, but HAPPY girl.

    Does that make sense?

  • carol, evan dando isn’t so hot anymore- too much partying (ducking and running)…

  • Carol

    different kim-

    maybe not, but i’m listening to “car, button something or other…it’s all I have of him. Don’t really know him. It’s probably from about 1988, but love it anyway. And back then wasn’t he pretty hot?

    Living in the Past…..

  • I went to Vanderbilt. Am I kind of smart, too? This has got nothing to do with the pig, huh?

  • Sheryl

    You got moxie, different kim.

    I almost decided to sign different sheryl earlier but I didn’t. Another sheryl wrote about anal fistulars or something and I din’t want people thinking I was getting that gross in between my other posts.

    But I had to admire that other sheryl’s cajones.

    Who’s the other kim? How did you choose the letter M on your Kimblahg for your list of things to be thankful for?

  • Sheryl

    I’m sure the person who marketed the pig was from Vanderbilt too.

    Actually I don’t know what Vanderbilt is, had to look it up on the web. And I am not so smart.

    Hey, I didn’t say I went to Cornell or got a job there, I slept with a guy who became a prof there and helped him balance his checkbook. (And ok, I loved him)

  • Carol

    Ok, you people are cracking me UP!! Sheryl did you get my pic? Well, that’s me sistah!!

    Vanderbilt rocks. Evan Dando rocks!! And all of you suck because you actually might think that I think so. Because I don’t.

    Where are my cigarettes?

    Bring it on. I’m ornery tonight!! : )

  • Sherly (aka Sheryl)

    Busymom – can I quote your weblog?
    *hel·la·cious (heh-lay-shus):-adj. of or about taking a Christmas card photo.*

    Never liked it. There are like 10 pictures of me on Santa’s lap and with my sibs frowning, during Christmas pictures. Even when my parents hired a photographer to come to the house. Which I am sure they could not afford. I just took it upon myself to spit at strangers who told me to smile.

    Do y’all know Dooce? Like in person? I just learned Vanderbilt is in Tennessee and I already knew Heather B Hamilton was from Memphis.

    Ok, I knew she was from either Tennessee or Kentucky because I continue to get the two states mixed up. But I am just operating in good faith here.

    Is my admission akin to asking my local convenience store owner if she ever met Ghandi? or Salman Rushdie? – Ok, I didn’t say that in real life, but my mother did when she visited here.

    I did just ask if you Vanderbilt ladies know Dooce in person – is it just as bad?

  • Sherly

    Carol. Have not recieved your pic in my gmail, umm, box. Tempted to make whip-bearing over-controlling S&M joke here. But that would be too strange…

  • Carol

    OK, Sherly, sorry, can’t help it…

    pic should be there now. full glory. That’s me. sunburned. but me nonetheless.

    you are so funny. vanderbilt (which is actually a very nice university) is in nashville… 4 hours from memphis. long way. not the same. but it’s like saying that long island is the same as providence,… oh, wait … it is! : ) see? ha ha ha kidding. big difference.

    BTW… love crappy off-color jokes. as long as they are really bad…. or good. god, i’m a little drunk. like a little pregnant.

  • Amy

    That thing is ten flavors of WRONG. Is candycane humping legal in Utah ?

  • Sheryl

    I think thou dost protest too much.

    Candy humping is not illegal, is it?

  • Carol


    Well, that all depends….

    what year did you graduate from Vanderbilt?

    did you join a sorority?

    were you a little sister in a fraternity?

    do you have/did you have blonde hair?

    are you a size 4 or under?

    Only THEN will you know if you are smart or not.

    Love and peace. Go Dores!!!!

  • Heather

    Hey Heather, I bet you big $$$ that Leta will start moving around, if not fully crawling,once she see’s that beautiful piney god known as a Christmas tree. It’s always like that, the thing you don’t want her to get into, she will want the most. Last year my son was only 4 months old and he was trying so hard to drag his potato sack body across the room to pull off anything he could reach on the tree. Good luck and by the way, that pig is damn scary!

  • Sheryl

    if your Mom can put out unmatched plates, you can use the unmatching rocking chair pair on your front porch, right?

    Besides, didn’t the Powers That Be decide like 3 years ago that lipstick, nails and toenails don’t all have to match, and Indeed, They Should Not Match?

    (As I was recently reminded of at a wedding)

  • kitchen remodel

    just looked through your kitchen remodel pics, hadn’t come across them before. anyway, did you get a shiny new stainless range to go with all your other pretty appliances? just curious and a bit jealous, beautiful remodel!

  • Did you find that at an auction? Did you actually *bid* on it?

  • Awww – you got your tree….we’re going to do that next weekend. I can’t wait. This will be Thomas’ first Christmas too.

    BTW Heather – please visit my brand new blog if you get time….Thomas and Dylan are pictured there so you can see who I’m constantly bragging about!


  • Oh god, I thought it was a wolf’s hand grabbing the pig and squeezing the life out of it, in manner of The Three Little Pigs. HOW SICK AM I?

  • That thing is totally weird. And also? I want one.

  • MrsDoF

    This evening I watched A Christmas Carol on NBC with Kelsey Grammer. It was weird to hear Sideshow Bob’s voice singing about family and Christmas.
    The Nikon D70 commercial came on about a half dozen times. Another weird was that I kept expecting to see Chuck and Jon bounding across the screen. The Dooce really should be getting a commission for that camera.

  • GirlA.

    MrsDoF, I am dying to know what Dof means!

  • Eek.

  • Here we are as in olden days

    Have yourself a merry little christmas
    Let your heart be light
    From now on
    Our troubles will be out of sight

    Have yourself a merry little christmas
    Make the yuletide gay
    From now on
    Our troubles will be miles away

    *Here we are as in olden days*
    Happy golden days of yore
    Faithful friends who are dear to us
    Gather near to us once more

    Through the years we all will be together
    If the fates allow
    Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
    And have yourself a merry little christmas now

    *Here we are as in olden days*
    Happy golden days of yore
    Faithful friends who are dear to us
    Gather near to us once more

    Through the years we all will be together
    If the fates allow
    Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
    And have yourself a merry little christmas now

  • Enjoy your tree! It could be the last for a while. We won’t be getting one this year because now that Jacob can walk it would be …oh… 5 seconds before a mountain of tree, blinking lights and pretty shards of glass gave in to his little tugging hands and descended upon him.

  • kim

    i grew up in a household with three kids and we ALWAYS had a REAL tree and REAL candles. and the house never burned down.. that’s the spirit, baby. noone over here has a fake plastic tree. nobody! i wouldn’t wanna miss that perfect smell and the needles all over the place for months either. merry..

  • what the hell is it sitting on?
    Pig On Candy?

  • I had a real tree once. It was Christmas 99, and 3 friends and I had moved into our house only about 2 weeks earlier.

    A friend and I were driving around the streets of Sydney in the late hours of Christmas Eve and happened upon a florist that was selling real trees. They had closed for the night and left the unsold trees standing up against the wall.

    We pulled over, jumped out, opened the car door and jammed one of the sad looking trees into the back seat before screeching away at high speed laughing like elves on crack.

    When we got home we realised that we didnt own any decorations so we dressed the tree in coloured plastic clothes pegs and pieces of tin foil.

    It died within a few days and stayed there, brown and stinky, needles all over the damn place until the following March when the lardlord wanted to do an inspection and in a panic we threw it out onto the sidewalk a few doors down.

    There were still needles in the back seat of my car when I sold it 2 years later.

  • hi there.

    this is completely unrelated, but I read your site fairly regularly and when I saw I thought you’d like the link.

  • Okay – first that pig scares the crap outta me and when I have a sec I will read the 137 comments about it.
    Second – the basement is where you keep all the stuff you will eventually put in your “country house” or “lake house” or “cabin in the woods” or Leta’s apartment. God. Don’t you know anything?

  • nama

    MrsDoF & GirlA: In Afrikaans (my native language) ‘dof’ means slow/stupid but I’m sure DoF and dof has very different meanings…

  • Joan

    It’s all in the eye of the beholder. I collect pig things. Have thousands of pig things in my house. Would love to have that pig thing in my house.

  • Another Sheryl

    I can answer the MrsDoF question, as I have had the pleasure of meeting the Mr. & Mrs. personally. Her husband has a blog at, DoF for short!

  • this pig frightens me. why is this pig still here. i am going to cry. please make this pig go away. please.

  • Lisa

    I have been laughing out loud for at least three full minutes. Everyone in my office is laughing at this pig. We LOVE this pig humping the candy cane.

    I googled it to see if I could find one, because I, too, want a candy cane humping pig that will sit on my table at mealtime. Couldn’t find it, but I did find this other pig doing ‘interesting’ procedural things near a Christmas tree (poor horsie):

    Happy Monday all,


  • Paula

    That pig hasnt left yet?? ahhh!

    Carol and Sheryl, I was just reading your comments, you 2 are funny!
    Im from Boston too, isnt that “wicked cool”?.
    lol..Im soo “retahded” sometimes.

  • IHateToast

    personally, i like peppermint candy canes with just a hint of ham-ass. it’s yum. like hickory smoked chocolate.
    we didn’t get a real christmas tree this year. i’m not home for christmas and as we found 3….THREE faux palm trees at a garage sale (the joys of living in Queensland, Australia), we decorated our christmas palm with chili lights. Santa visits our house in a speedo and flipflops.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more