An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Methinks someone had too much cornbread stuffing and passed out

  • Deirdre

    Yeah MM, somebody just posted that!

    Yeah MM, somebody just posted that!
    Here’s the words – credited in some places to Monty Python and in others to Adam Sandler.

    Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word ‘Fuck’.
    Out of all the English words that begin with the letter F, ‘Fuck’ is the only word referred to as ‘The F word.’
    It’s the one magical word that just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.
    ‘Fuck,’ as most words in the English language, is derived from German.
    The word ‘Flicken’ which means ‘To strike’.
    In English, ‘Fuck’ falls into many grammatical categories.
    As a transitive verb for instance, “John fucked Shirley,” as an intransitive verb, “Shirley fucks.”
    It’s meaning is not always sexual.
    It can be used as an adjective such as, “John’s doing all the fucking work.”
    As part of an adverb, “Shirley talks too fucking much.”
    As an adverb enhancing an adjective, “Shirley is fucking beautiful.”
    As the object of an adverb, “Shirley is fucking beautifully.”
    As a noun, “I don’t give a fuck.”
    As part of a word, “Abso-fucking-lutly” or “In-fucking-credible.”
    And as almost every work in a sentence, “Fuck the fucking fuckers.”
    As you may realise, there are very few words with the versatility of ‘Fuck.’
    As in these examples describing situations such as, Fraud: “I got fucked at the used car lot.”
    Dismay: “Aww, fuck it,” trouble: “I guess I’m really fucked now.”
    Aggression: “Don’t fuck with me buddy.”
    Difficulty: “I don’t understand this fucking question.”
    Inquiry: “Who the fuck was that.”
    Dissatisfaction: “I don’t like what the fuck is going on here.”
    Incompetence: “He’s a fuck off.”
    Dismissal: “Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself.?”
    I’m sure you can think of many more examples.
    With all of these multipurpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use this word?
    We say use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech.
    It will identify the quality of your character immediately, so say it loudly and proudly, FUCK YOU!

  • elke

    family is the devil

  • Laura C.

    Dooce, I fucking love you. Keep on keepin’ on.

  • Sweet Fucking Orange-George

  • OF GEORGE!!!!

  • as i have no attention span, i dont understand the bunny video talk going on. i would be speaking of laying on the floor with too much food in the belly and a colon full of turd.

  • Tracy

    Hell, my friends got on my case for saying “fuck” too much during a poker game this weekend. Hello? Since when is it even POSSIBLE to curse too much when playing poker and drinking tequila shots? Besides, it was their fault for dealing such fuckin’ awful hands.

    Anyway, I pity anyone whose prudishness blinds them from appreciating the hilarity and honesty and truth in what you write. Rock the fuck on, chica caliente!

  • If you are, indeed, an Instrument of Satan, let me just say that hell is going to be a riot. Boobs and constipation and whatnot. Oh man, I gotta get one of those Nikons before I die so I can take pictures of THAT wicked party. Hold my spot, Heather. I’m officially RSVPing.

  • Erin Said:
    *… I don’t think you are going to fucking hell. I think God is really into you.*

    He probably comes and reads your shit (pardon the pun) just like we do, because it’s funny & real.

    And when he views the pictures you take with your talented eye and awesome camera he says, “yes, that is exactly what I want to see…a pig dry humping a candy cane.”

    Keep it up Dooce! We love it!!

  • Jesus

    It’s true! Dooce, I think you’re great. Dad’s a fan too.

  • There are pictures of pigs dryhumping something on this website!? Where!?

  • KS

    Aaron – It’s the previous photo.

  • Aaron, yes those pictures do exist. I’m not proud of what I did, but I needed the money. And they assured me that the pigs woud be gentle.

  • Sharon

    I’m now waiting eagerly for the first installment of “Bubba Bunny”, dooce’s new storybook.

    Gee, I guess dooce already gave us the first sentence…

  • We fucking love you too (even though we’re just strange internet people and not family).

  • –By the way, Fever, your screen name is brilliant. I was toying with changing mine to Venus Flytrap; but that, alas, would only come off as mockery instead of the reverence due to you.

    –Thanks, KS!

  • Les Nessman

    Baby, if you’ve ever wondered
    Wondered, whatever became of me
    I’m livin’ on the air in Cincinnati,
    Cincinnati, WKRP.

  • The previous pig entry, should have been the “Carol and Sheryl” boards… they like posted a hundred times…

    OF GEORGE! I mean, OF FRANCE! er, OF UTAH.

  • fucking speechless

  • Sherly (aka Sheryl)

    Six degrees of separation –
    Do y’all remember the WKRP episode when the WPIG pig mascot destroys the WKRP lobby?

  • Carol


    you could’ve jumped in at any time!

    fuck yeah!

  • Oh George, hath the Lord not taught you moderation?

  • Lisa

    So does your family think there is an acceptable # of times to say fuck and you just exceeded it? Let me know that number.

    I am such the bad influence. My teenager NEVER swears, its rebellous that way, because her father and I have potty mouths. We have taken all the fun away from her. Poor Leta, you are obviously doing the same.

  • Caroline

    GEORGE! I ♥ GEORGE! *Why* does George not have his own category?

    On a slightly more…er…serious note, Kristine, if the pig was dry humping, what was all that white stuff…

    Oh, and Dooce, I hope you really do write that bubba bunny book. It could be a bestseller.

  • *phone ringing*
    You want me to get that?

  • Caroline

    Don’t be silly. Let George get it.

  • stop the presses – how do you get that little heart to work? i couldn’t even bold my text. and you know – my text needs some bolding, baby.

  • lily

    well holy fuck, that’s just un-fucken-believable, you can never say fuck too many times 🙂

  • George!

    Phew – thank gawd – I have an English lesson to teach tomorrow.

    Thanks Deidre!

  • BB

    You peeps really keep your minds in the gutter! That candy cane is serving as a sled for that happy (even if creepy-looking) pig to slide down a snow-covered hill. Shame on all y’all!

  • Les Nessman is hot.

  • the candy cane was asking for it.

  • jm

    (Points to self) Proud to have used masking tape to make herself a bathroom on the second floor when we gutted it. Go Les Nesman!

  • Caroline

    BB, obviously you didn’t take a good look at that pig’s expression. That is one FREAKY pig humping a candy cane. I almost put a bid in for the one on ebay.

  • Look at that sentence!
    What did you gut?
    The masking tape, the bathroom, or the second floor?

  • *♥* bold?

  • &Omega

  • I’m a guy and pretty damn certain Les Nesman is not hot.

  • Whatever dude. I guess you are able to resist the charms of Mr. Roarke too. You heartless bastard!

  • Mr. Roarke and Les Nesman are not the same caliber of character. I mean, can you imagine Nesman standing on the bridge of a broken starship, staring out into space upon the crippled Enterprise like Ahab looking out upon the White Whale, clenching his fist, and murmuring, “Vengeance is a dish best served cold…” ?


    Can you?

    Now.. maybe in a taped off cubicle… BUT NOT A FREAKING STARSHIP!

    Lovely wedding invitation, BTW.


  • Thankyou darling.

    K, you have a point. “weeeth my last breath…i spit at theeee…”

    You do realize we are goobers right?


  • I only talk to goobers.

  • jm

    Yes, Bruce, punctuation police dude. It’s a HUGE, fucking, run-on sentence. I’m withdrawing from Ativan which makes me fond of curling up under the dining room table. I write HUGE, fucking, run-on sentences because it HURTS my brain to grope around for punctuation. Sorry, mate.

    Let me try again.

    We had to gut the second floor. I had no walls up there. So I made bathroom walls out of masking tape a la Les Nessman. In the dead of winter, I was little Miss Happy perched on the commode because I had a bathroom (denial, denial). That icy wind whipping through from the uninsulated walls? Figment of my imagination. My husband clomping up the stairs looking for his prybar. Couldn’t see me.

    Les Nessman, very HOT champion of the privacy-obsessed.

  • We went for a family outing to the second largest hand dug well after our turkey dinner so none of us were allowed the luxury of passing out. On the plus side, no one was drunk enough to fall in the well and we did see Lassie and Timmy.

    I also am fond of the word fuck. I like to insert it in the middle of a word like un-fucking-believeable or abso-fucking-lutely. Don’t let *the man* stifle you dooce.

  • Oh my God, you’re killing me!
    “What is the white stuff?” I about died.
    Jesus – Dad’s a fan too.
    All the WKRP comments! Okay, how about the one where Johney is running from the ‘phone cops’.

    I love this web site!

  • Les Nessman was a boob. I was the hot one. Still am.

  • Actually, JM, I think your sentence was grammatically correct. In fact, the pronoun “it” was properly used, too.

    bruce’s criticism seems to have been about your use of “it” since you had so many nouns in your sentence. However, he seems to forget that pronouns refer to the last used noun (in the case of your sentence it was “bathroom on the second floor.”) Which is correct.

    Don’t worry, JM, we all knew what you were talking about.


  • Sherly (aka Sheryl)

    Amanda B & Aaron –
    Ok, now I just can’t see Mr. Roarke on the Starship Enterprise. I *can* see Khan there, though. I mean, little Herve Villechaise (sp?) running and screaming “Boss, ze sheep! Ze sheep!” I just can’t see it 🙂

    I still see that Ricardo Montalban (sp?) talking about Rich Corintian Leather… Vooooooolaaaaray.

    But you goobers both be too young to remember dat.

    Hy jm, I lik yor sekunt vershun beter to! No bekaws uf punk-u-ashun or gramer tho.

  • Sherly aka Sheryl–

    Your logic fails. The idea that Ricardo Montalban could ever play more than one character is utterly fallacious. Khan WAS the genetic perfection of Roarke. (it’s just a variation…)

    And, actually, I think Herve WAS on an episode of The Original Series… though I’m not certain… hmmm… imdb.. imdb…

  • … my bad.. I’m thinking of his appearance in “The Man with the Golden Gun.” And yes, I’m brutally aware that Montalban was in The Original Series…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more