An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

On the count of three: three, two, one…

  • *Carpe Nads* may be my new favorite expression. Teehee

  • Caroline

    Yea sure, you don’t inhale, I get it.

    I prefer fruity white wine and liquor. But that’s just me.

  • There’s an ANGEL in your photograph!

    Gotta go repent now.

  • MANIC???

    Manic!? Seriously?

    I would so tickle you if you were here right now.

  • I hear you on the tickle war thing. I learned a long time ago that we hold the power in our hands. mwhahaha

  • Excellent observation Jen #96. But I’m sure that Jon would prefer his “bathing suit area” to be referred to as “THE POWER” rather than “nubbin”

  • We have tickle names.
    His is the Ticklemonster and I am Tittlelina. If he asks me if I know who he is I had better respond accordingly, or get him before he gets me.

  • k syrah

    The tease looks cool…

    The tickling thing: my older brother locked me in a sleeping bag and tickled me until….I lost many brain cells. At least that’s the excuse I’m using.(wearing out?)

    Colleen from NJ: *smile*

    Dooce et al: *smile* Have you ever tried mescal? NOT mescaline, folks…

  • Alicia

    My husband now knows from years of experience if he even wiggles his fingers near my feet I will scream. At the top of my lungs, nonstop, until he is out of range. I HATE being tickled, but my feet are the worst. I stop breathing. It’s not pretty.

  • Oh. I thought it was a picture of Dooce taking a “picture” of “us”. I was all ready- mooning the camera and whatnot. How embarassing.

    I feel the same way about tickling. People assume that because you are laughing that you are on some level enjoying it. Wrong wrong wrong.

    Sheryl- Carpe Nads- 🙂

  • Cristy

    I miss seeing your stories everyday, but I guess since you moved home you get out more. Bummer for us. Maybe I should get out more eh? lol

  • Jesus? Is that YOU ?!?

  • mandy

    I think children, for the most part, are much more comfortable and familiar with not being in control of their bodies every second. Also, tickling games can help them become more aware of their bodies.

    For adult women, often we have lingering mistrust of giving up our control from sometime between childhood and adulthood. It’s not comfortable to be vulnerable like that anymore, especially if dating games or sexual rituals involve females being tickled and being overwhelmed by feelings while males are in control.

    By the time boys become men they are very good at keeping feelings about physical vulnerability shut-down pretty tight. Except about the nads.

  • Kellie

    I was blessed with the ability to focus through tickling and not be affected. My poor husband, however, was not, and one of the great joys of my life is tickling him. He makes the most horrifying and obscene noises (imagine, if you will, putting your car in neutral with the cruise control set at 75) that I have ever heard. It’s cruel, I know, but oh so much fun.

  • Not all women have a problem being vulnerable and giving a man complete control. I recomend women do it more often.

  • Girl.A

    Non-consensual tickling is a crime of power, not a laughing matter.

  • J

    You’re site is brilliant. I have been laughing my ass off all afternoon! I’m glad I chanced upon your site. 🙂

  • i was kidding about the mirror part, dooce! 😉

  • Liz

    Just thought everyone should know that some little snot nosed rooky designer stole Dooce’s tagline “now with more cowbell” go to

    to see….yeah, and he stole the entire site desgin from

    could this kid me any more of an idiot!?!?!?!?!

    post a comment on his site to help him get the idea of why all of this is wrong.

  • From the looks of it, a Boobah spontaneously combusted at Dooce’s house.

  • Stacy

    My exboyfriend tickled me so much I had an asthma attack. It was embarassing, but now I never get tickled because I just fake a wheeze.

  • There seems to be a lot of penis talk going around today. I hope it’s not something in the air. That’d be gross.

  • Taylor

    Interesting how the light in the picture is the same white as your background but only the picture makes me wince. I CAN’T STOP SCROLLING UP AND LOOKING AT IT.

  • Ow my eyes! What the heck is that? After all these years of bragging about 20/20 vision, I’ll need glasses real soon. And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!

    Grab the POWER. Hee hee.

    Yes the power is in you. OK that was too gross/graphic.

  • Now with more cowbell

    Correction: it aired in 2000.

    See dooce’s entry from 9/7/2004 in the Redesign category titled “I’ve Got a Fever”.

  • Emilie

    This is what I received back from my boyfriend when I forwarded Dooce’s “It’s gettin’ kinda hectic” post:
    _”You should not be reading such feminist propaganda, it is bad for you to even joke of such things……”_ I guess that shows so much about him. I’m glad he’s only kidding.

    Heather – your picture today is interesting. It does make my eyes dilate a bit, however – I am looking forward to your story about it.

    Thanks for a great, funny, addicting site!

  • God that poor guy. Is it just me or is there a particularly high level of testicular dooce-abuse going on lately?

  • Laurel 825

    It’s the angels, Mickey, comin’ down from Heaven. And I see you ridin’ a big, white Mormon.

  • Many a testicle has to fall…
    but it’s all in the game…

    doobee doobee doooo…

  • I’ve seen the light. Prissly lights whoa!

  • me? I’m a nobody

    So, there!
    and, !!!!!!!!!!! france

  • I think whether the tickle thing is fun or not depends upon the willingness of the “tickle target.” (See how legal this all sounds? 🙂

    In tickling, NO MEANS NO!

    There should one of those vintage hygiene films on this somewhere, but I can’t find it.

  • “How are we going to shop now, huh? HOW ARE WE GOING TO SHOP NOW?”

    This quote totally reminds me of an outtake from “Waiting for Guffman” when Parker Posey’s character is auditioning for the play. She yells “Who’s on top and who’s on bottom now, huh? Who’s on top and who’s on bottom now?!” I love Parker Posey…and Dooce.

  • Julie

    Caro- Thanks for answering my ? about the dooce effect and printing. I need desperating to make my daughter look more angelic to get my MIL off my ass!

  • becaru

    Tickling in any form is just thinly-veiled hostility. I applaud your plan for putting a stop to it!

  • Julie

    Caro – that is “desperately” I tried to spell, not “desperating!!!” It’s been one looooooooong day…

  • Colleen from NJ

    Did you say “Piper…” from old Pink Floyd? Wow…you lucky, lucky girl. I am crying just reading your comment.

    And, to everyone: Don’t forget to get out the vote today:

    best essayist catagory

    You know, if the tickler ignores the “SAFE WORD”, it is only right to use THE POWER.

  • Nikki’s cute.


    nope, not me

  • Doesn’t “On the count of three” mean when you say “Three” you um, do the thing? On Three?

  • Melanie S

    I actually broke up with a guy that would pin me down and tickle me until I cried. In my case it was a form of abuse. (I can’t believe I just posted that on the internet!) He did it because he knew that I hated it and he would do it EVERY time until I cried.

    I hope he zips his POWER up in his zipper after a puppy with razor sharp teeth bites into it while he’s sitting on the floor puting his socks on as he gets ready for work! Ha! (because, really, who the hell has to sit on the floor to get their socks on?)

    Take that tic-tack weenie man!

  • bb

    I LOVE your posts about tickling. I always show them to my boyfriend, since he seems to have the biggest problem with needing to tickle me. He needs to know about the law.

  • sherry

    Now is it “Three, two, one, click”? or “Three, two, and click on the one”?

  • i detest being tickled. the problem is, i laugh when tickled even though i HATE it. i am getting madder and madder and really crying and screaming inside but there i am laughing and my attacker thinks we are having oh so much fun. until i kick punch hit grab. i will defend my self by any means when tickled. any means.

  • Kellie

    I disagree with some of the thoughts on tickling. First of all, if I was tickling someone until they cried or vice versa, then someone needs a big time out and an explanation on personal space and understanding where the line is. When my hubby & I engage in tickling each other, it’s not hostile, it’s not violent, it’s playful and fun and as soon as either says “stop” it stops. I suppose it could be a form of hostility but I don’t think tickling in general should be catergorized that way. I can’t believe I just spent 3 minutes defending tickling. I need a break. I need to go home. I need to get tickled.

  • Sheryl

    Does one need a drink of Tequila to understand the countdown for this PHOTO DUEL? I understand perfectly. Unless Dooce’s mention of the involvement of Tequila was referring to the babysitter…

    It makes sense she would set the rules going one way and then count backwards. It’s “Tequila Thinking”, as my BF calls it.

    AND NO, Carol, he is not “Uncle Mark”. What kind of perv do you think I am? Showering with my uncle.

    P.S. I am betting the photo Nikki took of Dooce, if we ever see it, will not include flash coming from the infamous D70. On-camera flash is not photo-aesthete style.

  • Girl.A

    Tickling is awesome as long as it is consensual.

  • Next thing you know they’ll be letting the gays tickle. What would Jesus think, people?

    And then people will be tickling their dogs and three people will be tickling at once and that’s not the kind of world I want my children living in.


  • Oh my.

    I thought I remembered something about (unwelcome) tickling being defined as a form of torture under international law, so I Googled it.

    I guess I forgot that the internet is 99.44% porn.

    There’s a fetish for everything. Even tickling. Yikes. Never mind.

  • hottttie

    I’m sorry, but what the hell is that?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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