An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation
  • Ok. So I just copy-pasted into photoshop and messed with brightness/contrast, and this is what I found:

    1- There might be a person on the right side of the picture.
    2- And a curtain, maybe.
    3- And a coffee table in the foreground, possibly.

    Yeah. That’s it.

  • Angelique

    Why, Jennay, would you tear apart a photo or any piece of art for that matter? It only destroys the spirit and the intentions of it.

  • Scully

    So, what you are prepping for? Filming an X-Files episode? Because Chris Carter never filmed anything with light in it? Clearly, you are imitating Chris Carter.

  • itsme

    I see a person on the left looking at the person on the right, sitting in a striped sofa chair, crossing their legs with a little person on their lap facing us.


  • Jennay, you photoshop girl!

    I don’t think Dooce would post a photo that was so deeply personal that she didn’t want us to see it so she, ? posted it.

    Did I say that in English?

    Anyway, Perhaps this is pre-horsey bar?

  • itsme

    but it doesn’t look like a hospital, more like a bedroom.

  • The picture is cool and dark at the same time. Try getting a little vacuum for your daughter to follow you around with. It worked for my daughter.

  • Caroline

    Hey, even with the codpiece you can still poke him in the eye.

  • TK

    Hilarious story about trying to vacuum the dog!! Strangely, my brother’s dog absolutely loves to be vacuumed. Mind you, he is kinda stupid…

  • KellyH

    Fish- don’t know about the carpenter ants. . .

    I think almost any regular human shampoo will kill fleas if you let the animal soak in the lather for several minutes, but Pert Plus works particularly well. Doesn’t keep me from using it. But then, I’m an Animal Science major, and I’ve done things to young bulls (for school, you gutter-minded fools) you don’t wanna know about.

  • I think it might be the calm before the storm of TICKLING.

  • Mysterioso!

  • Dooce. I see you have not been introduced to Pooka.

    Pooka is the ultimate defense against any would be assailant. It was invented (around here anyway) by my friend John Cowart (cruel little bastard englishman) many years ago.

    It works like this:

    1)Take index finger and hold it in a pointy fashion.

    2)Sneak up behind unsuspecting husband, friend, co-worker, etc.

    3)Insert finger into victim’s behind (clothed only)and proclaim, “Pooka!”.

    4)Measure the success of Pooka by the strange noise made by your victim as well as the amount of time they spend airborne.

    It works best if victim is wearing boxer’s and is bent down to look for missing item under couch.

    Of course the depth at which you Pooka is strictly based on the intimacy of you and your victim.

    I promise, the next time they think about tickling you…oh yes, they will remember Pooka.

  • Amanda B.,

    I have committed the Pooka to memory and will report back with my own findings.

    Thank you for sharing.

    [wringing hands a la Mr. Burns]

  • KellyH: You would’ve been SO helpful a few weeks back during the in depth discussion of bull condoms.

  • Amanda B:

    *Fish pauses, unsure as to how to approach the subject*

    What … life experience made you put the “clothed only” proviso into your description of pooka?

  • Fish- it is Pooka. not Colonoscopy. Fine line, my friend.

  • Pooka! Oh, Amanda B… I want to pooka!
    Eh hem. My theory was a tickling storm too. But I wasn’t the first to suggest it, so… pooka!
    Also, please note that I have changed my name to “Chloe (is here)” as I’ve seen another nefarious “Chloe” has posted (you can tell the difference by the different web sites when you rollover on our names, but that’s a pain in the ass) so I’ll just be the good girl and change my name.
    Not that anyone really gave a damn about that…I’m just over-explaining.

  • Amanda B.: Oh, yeah.

    Let me clear one more thing up: you do this to your co-workers? Where the hell do you work?

  • Slim

    My guess is the two people calmly talking in this pic will eventually end up in a knock down drag out fight and the memory is still very painful even for Dooce to talk about.

  • Kourtney

    Ahhh… what a peacuful sight.. that’s how my room looks before I have to start working…

  • Fish- No one is safe from Pooka.

    Ancient Chinese Proverb: Blessed are the tickled, for the sphincter of life is easily startled.

  • Colleen from NJ

    I dig the photo noir. Mysterious, no?

    And this POOka game. Much like checking the prostate, no?

    Ladybug, I read what you wrote about the Dyson guy. I would like to hear him say “prototype” as I give him a little Pooka.

  • “sphincter of life.”

    Oh my.

  • Check out the lamp in the background. Reminds me of one in my great grandma’s house.

  • Nicole

    This page never ceases to amaze me and continuously makes me cry tears of extreme laughter.

  • Susie

    I’m still thinking it’s going to be a good storm, a happy storm. Such dark speculations and predictions here; doesn’t anyone else LIKE storms? I do. A truly ominous photo doesn’t really fit with the moods of the “thinking” and the “how to annoy me” posts today; you know? Actually, the photo is serving as a “projective” — a little Rorschach test — we’re all seeing what’s inside us today.

  • WTF(yes that’s what I mean)

    “POOKA” would mean “justifable homocide” in my household

  • no. it’s right befoe Leta wakes up!

  • Danika

    Mouse is back! Missed you!

    I think whoever said it was the calm before Leta gets moving is right….

  • Slim

    Susie: What happy pill are you on?
    If the word calm is before the strom then obviously it can’t be pleasant.

  • George Lover

    Here’s the dilemma (although I like your thoughts, Susie):

    Any of the “storm” moments in most people’s lives, (or the calm before them) like the death of a family member, or when your parents divorce, usually don’t include photo ops. So it’s perplexing. And if we think of “storm” in a more fun-loving way, like a tickle fest, then Dooce’s ominous comment this morning doesn’t fit.

    Yes, I actually do have real work to do.

  • KellyH

    Fish, typically in Animal Science, you WANT the bulls to breed, not wear condoms, so I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no bull condoms.

    The bulls that don’t become steers, that is. Heh.

  • Fleas

    Uh…actually…you should know that Avon Skin So Soft actually keeps fleas away too! Just keep Chuck slathered in it and you should be fine all summer…DOESN’T YOUR MOTHER KNOW THESE THINGS????

  • It’s scary what /fleas/ knows.

  • i have so many very interesting things to say about your blog today but i am tired and grouchy and so am unable to express myself with any degree of – what – ah feck, i can’t even say that i suck today. all is lost. i suck.

    you, however, do not.

  • Susie

    George Lover (and Slim, too) — but is dooce’s comment “ominous” or have we just assigned it that connotation because of the photo? I admit, I’m still thinking Leta because I don’t have tiny people in my home at the moment and I find them delightful. But I do remember that when a little one goes from sitting docilely wherever you park them to say, crawling, for example, life goes quickly from calm to storm — things crash, parents scramble to baby-proof, etc. I wouldn’t place any bets on my theory, but it’s what I enjoy thinking of just now more than some of the other possibilities presented. (Probably just the happy pills, like Slim says.)

    I have work now, too. Hopefully the truth will soon be revealed.

  • I’m sorry, KellyH, the discussion was about bull-semen collection devices, not condoms.

  • Colleen from NJ: Hilarious. And though I do have a little crush on the Dyson guy, I’m not sure I’d want to “Pooka” him…better to save such intimacy for the hubby, no?

    And Amanda B. — Every time I read your Ancient Chinese Proverb, I giggle out loud (I’m at work). Every. time. Perhaps I’d better quit re-reading it.

  • i’m hoping that’s a “buddy jesus” lamp,although a “buddy moroni” lamp would be pretty cool too.

  • Is that guy gonna shoot someone?

  • MrsDoF

    Fish(at comment 80) your lawyer language is showing. Makes me want to pull out the video of TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD.
    I’m thinking that the nice, quiet, dark picture up there is the last before we get bombarded with photos of Season Festivities. Which is alright with me, we got nine cards in the snail mail box today.
    Celebrate, good times, come on.

  • Colleen from NJ

    Yes. You are right, of course, LadyBug. Thanks for getting me back on track. It’s all these wacky hormones and talk of condoms. You must be getting more sleep than I am.

    Sphincter of life…I can’t stop that damn helpless chuckling.

    Mighty Jimbo, might I ask: what is a buddy Jesus lamp? Is it too late to get one for my mother-in-law?

  • Mrs. Fever and I have had many a conjugal relation during episodes of the PBS Kids morning lineup. Shoot, without Zaboomafoo the second kid would never have been conceived in the first place.

  • Jimbo: are youi referring to “the Buddy Christ”, ala Dogma?

  • Colleen from NJ, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I probably have NOT had more sleep than you. I’ve had…_maybe_ 15 hours sleep since last Friday. Too friggin much to do, and the only time to do it all is after the kids go to bed.

    I think the sleep deprivation explains my slap-happy, chuckling-out-loud-at-the-slightest-provocation-especially-the-mention-of-the-phrase-“sphincter-of-life” mental state.

  • Johnny Fever, Dude. Parents DO NOT have sex. Ever.

  • Re: “sphincter of life”
    I’ll never be able to hear the theme from The Lion King the same way again.

  • Colleen from NJ

    ok, now I am Laughing. My. Ass. Off.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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