An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


  • LT

    Scott, luckily for you, your head is made of hemp. When in doubt, just light your head on fire and, well, see what happens.

    Sporty, I know what you’re thinking. I’m just a pair of socks. But GIVE ME A CHANCE!

  • Colleen from NJ!! How exciting! I’ll be sending good thoughts and prayers your way that everything goes well. What a blessing for you and your family.

    Dooce, nice picture, as always. But the thumbnail looks like someone’s innards. (Yes, I said innards. Yes, I live in small town Texas.)

    Oh, and Dazed and Confuzed: “If you got a cat, hemp is the way to go.” That’s my favorite line of the day (so far).

  • me? I’m a nobody

    I’m gonna tell you right now, dooce, the reason you’re constipated is that you don’t eat enough. I can tell that just by looking at you. And when you don’t have enough food going through those intestines, you don’t poop. And you need to drink lots and lots of water and/or hot chocolate. Give it a try, girl and you’re on your way to poop heaven. Take my word.

    pretty picture, btw.

  • me? I’m a nobody

    drat! I was hoping to be first.

  • beachgal

    Beautiful picture, Dooce.

    It’s actually a myth that Pointsettias are poisonous to babies and animals…I read, not too long ago, about Christmas myths, and that was one of them.
    The critter or child would have to eat a minimum of 50 entire leaves to do even a small bit of harm, and most likely it would just be an upset tummy.

  • L.T. I wannna cuddle with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu… thank ya, thank ya very much.

  • LT

    Sporty: (bing!) I’m dooooooone!

    m?ian: This just in! This just in! Some people in the world are naturally thin. Stop the presses! 😉

  • This is a fabulous picture. For some reason it makes me hungry. Well, everything makes me hungry. They just look yummy.

  • Me? Even when I was anorexic, I still pooped everyday.

    L.T. – SERIOUSLY.. Are you even trying??

  • me? I’m a nobody

    who said anything about weight? one can eat a lot and still be thin.

  • LT – I always wondered why all those Phish fans were following me around staring at my noggin. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

    Nachos sound great.

    Good luck with the Xmas baby, Colleen.

  • LT

    m?ian: Sorry, I misunderstood. I don’t see how you can tell from seeing someone’s picture here and there that they don’t eat enough if by that you did not mean that they are too thin.

    Scott: Phish fans love your head, but really, it’s the Maroon 5ers that you have to worry the most about. You wouldn’t suspect them from the outset, and that’s what’s so vexing. You’re listening and rocking out and the next thing you know, HEAD SNIFFERS! Burnin’ down the house! *ding*


  • JP

    My husband swears that I passed on my klutziness to my daughters…

    Yeah, okay. He wins.

  • I think we’re parked.

  • LT

    Sheryl: I think we’re alone now.

  • L.T. You think I’ve been holding up this torch for a hundred years so you can eat nachos on election day? Get out there and vote!

  • LT

    Sporty: These colors do not run, except when we are late to vote! (gap-teethed smile). (runs in a circle)

  • L.T. Seasons Greetings. (chomp) mmmmm that’s good!

  • Ohhh Perdy. Just the thing to get me in the mood for all that family coming over this week

  • Slim

    Colleen: Happy Delivery! I pray all goes well.

  • LT

    sporty: Season’s Greetings and Happy Holidays to aaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll (melt).

  • LeChico

    its almost as if my brain wont accept anythg except leta/chuck!

  • L.T. I llooooooooooooove what you’ve done with your window.

  • shy

    Touche! The best thinking happens in the bathroom! The toilet is surprisingly the most comfortable seat in the house…hard porcelain, go figure?!

  • LT

    LeChico: Have you tried Jello?


  • L.T. We love the suuuuuuuuubs, cause they are gooooooooooooood to us.

  • LT

    Sporty: The price is wrong.

  • amit

    quite nice

  • re: Christmas Babies

    When I was, oh, 4 years old, my friend Chelsea and I were sitting at my house playing with our Teddy Ruxpins and we started talking about birthdays:

    Me- “My birthday is July 7th!”

    Chelsea- “My birthday is April 14th.”

    Me- “My sister’s birthday is January 20th.”

    Chelsea- “My dad’s birthday is in May.”

    Me- “My dad’s birthday is on CHRISTMAS!”

    Chelsea- “…so, is your dad Jesus…?

    Me- “…uh… MOM! IS DAD JESUS?!?!!”

    This conversation took place back before Chelsea and I could comprehend that JUST MAYBE there were more than 365 people in the world, and JUST MAYBE there could be more than one person born on the same day…

  • L.T. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH Your booty shivers me timbers.

  • LT

    When I was about four, a friend of mine was bragging that she was born in January and that she was obviously MUCH COOLER than I was, because she was older.

    Girl: You’re a loser, I’m older than you.
    Me: When’s your birthday?
    Girl: January 20.
    Me: Well that’s ok, because you’ll just die first.

  • Whoopsie (#29): I’m a serious, *marathon* hicupper, and I actually learned a trick that works. I promise. Go into a room by yourself, sit down, and concentrate on your breathing. Relax your whole body, especially your belly. It usually takes me about five minutes to get rid of them.

  • LT

    Sporty: HELLO… I know you’re there… I can seeeeeee you!

  • I’m peeing right now.

    (ooh. just got the pee chills.)

  • LeChico

    phone calls while u pee… *shudders* well.. it could get worse.

    leta and peekaboo!! yaay! one more milestone for u dooce. well done!

  • L.T. So, you like the internet huh?

  • What’s the deal, L.T. and Sporty?

    Don’t have yahoo messenger?

  • LT

    Sporty: she’s kinda, sorta, smokin’ hot, yeah.

  • LT

    Sarah: Perhaps it’s that, OR… a conspiracy.

  • L.T. You push my buttons, and I like it!!!

  • LT

    Sporty: I really am the greatest – EVER! – to play this game!

  • L.T. I hope you’re hungry, cause I’m about to take you to lunch *head roll*

  • Ack! No Phish! (not you Fish)

    Oh boy. It’s advice day. Here’s some fresh and home spun from me.

    A) Being thin does not mean that you don’t eat. I have plenty of very thin friends who eat non stop. Tapeworm maybe?

    B) Heather is thin because she contracted cholera from playing around in a septic ditch she mistook as a rain puddle. It manifested itself as a UTI and caused her to lose 64 pounds.

    Geez, don’t you guys read the archives?

  • [said in my best mock jacques cousteau voice:] the poinsettia: beautiful, but deadly.

  • LT

    Sporty: I’m fleeeeeeeeeeexible!

  • L.T. I’ve gotten better comments from a drunken monkey.

  • dave stole my comment.

    i gotta get up way early on this blog.

  • Carol

    Colleen – Good luck to you! That’s very exciting and a great Christmas present.

    I pee in the bathroom all the time when I’m on the phone. I never thought of it as multi-tasking…that makes me feel better.

    As for hearing it, I try to talk when I’m going. But I’m sure everyone knows what I’m doing. Expecially when I flush. Gross.

    I’m so demure and pretty.

  • Sporty – like the internetwebthingy? LT LOOOOOOOVES the internetwebthingy.

    LT – you got nacho cheese on my shrimp thumbs. I hate it when you do that.

  • LT

    Amanda B: Don’t you worry, Phish is done. Scott’s hempy harvest has become the latest rage elsewhere. In the meantime, just admire his smoky little head. (aww.)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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