An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

In line to see Santa Claus

  • all you want for christmas is already in your arms there.

    well, that and regularity, but i’m not sure if you really want to sit on santa’s lap and ask for that.

  • Merry Christmas Armstrongs! The holiday season gets better and better from here on in. Christmas is meant to be celebrated with the little ones…

    Enjoy it!

  • Note: I know that this sounds really strange in a stalkerish way, but I mean it in the most UNstalkerish way possible.

    That picture makes me want to grab both of you in a big hug and squeeze you tight for a minute.

    (I’m a mom, and that’s not an unusual feeling for me, even with strangers.)

  • Dooce, this is my first comment. You look very thin in this photo: are you sure you’re eating all the holiday items? Not to be completely invasive toward your life or anything, but, you know, come to Madison, WI, and we’ll totally take you out for some pizza, or I’ll cook for you.

  • Dazed & Confuzed

    There is absolutely no hemp in that photo. Ah well, the breathtaking beauty of everything else will have to do.

  • Heather, you are Very Good-Looking.

  • Dooce,

    I had the weirdest dream – and as a disclaimer so I’m not maimed in the telling of this, I’m 3 weeks away from delivery of our first baby. The dreams are getting weird.

    Anyway – in short – Jessica Simpson was shopping with myself and a few friends, because, well that’s normal, and she had a baby girl whose name was Leta. I became suspicious and asked her how to pronounce it – when she did it correctly I figured out that she was really you. That dooce and Heather were alias’ for the real deal. And I went as far as to figure out that’s why you’re so good at Photoshop. To change your look in the photos of yourself.

    Then I woke up for the 4th time to pee in 5 hours…

  • Heather, that is really the best picture of you and Leta!

    Happy Happy Holidays to you all!

  • Fish:
    __Now I’m wondering if you actually ARE in the picture from yesterday__

    maybe it’s a Magic Eye 3-d picture. Cross your eyes a little bit and poof! Dooce will appear.

  • (or a prettier version of Where’s Waldo?.)

  • Brown hair really works for you. Merry Christmas!

  • Girl.A

    But, Tiffany, can you giv’er a good Tequila/Mescal enema? Cuz that’s what she really wants for Shitmist this year. I know this because she visits me in my dreams. My subconscious knows she can take care of herself like all good men who come to the aid of their countries. Sorry I got offtrack there. My subconscious also knows you can’t possibly give yourself a proper Tequila/Mescal enema without the aid of a good friend coming to your aid.

    And I would venture to say, Dooce’s resulting psychopharmaceutical shitmist would make all of those around her feel much more chill (and I don’t mean cold) during the holidays.

  • I used to be Santa Claus in the mall (despite the fact that I’m JEWISH) and it was common practice to keep my eyes peeled for MILFs like you, Dooce.

  • Carol

    Dr. Fever – I read your post and loved it. As I was looking at the scared of santa pics from #13’s link, I was thinking of you and wondering if you ever got your feelings hurt. But probably not… since, you know… well… you were in an altered state.

    A MILF!!! I think that’s about the highest compliment (at least for me these days)!!

  • Lisa

    Dooce, I think Leta looks both like you and Jon, I think she has your eyes and chin. Definetly the same eyebrows! you should post more pics of you guys together!

  • Leta is adorable!

  • Yay! Glad there was no nuclear meltdown!

  • Cheryl

    Leta looks like she is about to grap something and throw it across the room… are there any candles nearby? BE CAREFUL SANTA!

    Oh and Dooce… I missed you I was away on vacation and kept telling people how much I missed your site. Is that too much information too?

  • D: “Hey there, Scruptious Bearded Santa…”

    L: “Hey there, Scruptious Zipper To Put In My Mouth…”

    J: [thinking] Cutest Family Evaaar!!!11oneoneone

  • “Madonna and Child?”

  • lulu cornichon

    Dooce is way cuter than Madonna.

  • Hell, yes, Dooce is cuter than Madonna.

  • Liz

    Is it just me or do you look like you are staring at someone who you either want to kill or whose head you would not mind seeing explode from the sheer force of that glare?

  • Lei

    I think you might actually be smiling in this one! Seasons greetins from Vietnam. Thanks for having entertained all of this past year. All the best.

  • maybe the kid on santa’s lap at that second was scary?

  • And how did she do? Some of our best stories are about meeting the big red guy.

  • She’s sooooooo sweet. And aren’t those pointsettias behind you the same one’s from yesterday?

  • katiebarthedoor

    So adorable. She looks more and more like you every day.

  • Dooce you are so pretty. Seriously. And Leta is precious as always. How did she react to Santa?

    Mr. Fever- noooo. Don’t be a creepy Santa!

    On a note from the other day- is it my imagination, or did George! wake up at noon and heckle all us old farts?

    George! I see you have not been introduced to Pooka!

  • *looking wistful*

    Mom, tell us the story about Pooka again………

  • It’s probably just me (and maybe O’keefe). But often times when previewing your photograph through that little window on your homepage, I see something totally dirty. And then I feel bad when I realize what it really is.

  • Carol

    Amanda B. – I was thinking the SAME thing… George! woke up at about 10:30 (SLC time?). But then I was giving him credit for maybe showering or eating or pooing or something before checking Dooce.

    Help! I am being hounded by the stupid people today at work. WTF? It must be the egg nog. Or the shitmist.They all need to peppermint-fuck off.

  • caroline

    Staring at the goods…leta, not me…

  • Why does everyone care if Dooce is “to thin”? I want to be that thin dammit.

    Just because half the population is morbidly obese there is something wrong with thin people?

    Yeah and I ate peanut butter cups for breakfast…what of it!

  • Mihow: isn’t your cat named Pookum? Amanda B: pooka, pookum, pooka, pookum. Hmmmmmm.

  • aw dooce, you’ew so purty. merry christmas to all the armstrongs!


    ps – fuck off, you trolls.

  • Annon

    Maybe I’m the first to say this, but I think Leta looks like you

  • A beautiful mommy/daughter picture. Happy Holidays to you and your family!

  • Fish: making even less sense than he did yesterday.


  • Girl.A

    Mrs. Stray
    Aye, Matey. That was my point too, but there was apparently too much Tequila involved in my version. Why do we all think we know better how to care for dooce than she does?

    Carol, Peppermint Fuck-off is my new fave phrase.

  • Ashley

    Merry Christmas Armstrongs! I hope that Leta enjoys the wrapping paper and that Chuck enjoys all the treats he is going to get from his grandmom- don’t you just love spoiled dogs?
    Beautiful picture too!

  • No, I’m with you Fish. Hang in there, the holidays are nigh. Maybe you’ll get some rest time.

    Hey dudes! Ready for Christmas?

    Emily said Fuck Off! Awesome.

  • Who said Dooce is too thin? Bastages!

  • Sheryl

    Hi Amanda and Carol.
    Do we have trolls today?

    I been working too much to read. Otherwise almost ready for Christmas – I actually feel excited about it this year. It’s been a long time and it’s nice 🙂

    How did you fare at Wal the Mart the other night, Amanda?

  • she’s starting to look more and more like her mom… :]
    i’m proud of you for not murdering santa – i think i might have if i were there.

  • I hate WalMart. Hate hate hate.

    Can I ask a dumb question? What is a troll in reference to the internet?

  • Ooops. My html didn’t work.

  • Laurie

    No one got hurt on the trip to santa? Count your blessings, you are a lucky lady.

    There’s a look of “you just cut me in line woman” on your face….

  • Kate

    I love how Leta is completely unfazed by the death rays coming out of her mother’s eyes.

    She’s like “Yeah, that’s mom for ya, but now let’s talk about her zipper… Yum!”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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