Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

I know it’s a little late, but…

  • Santa is a “bottom only” guy. My guess is that he chuckles light-heartedly during sex. And then- you gets a present!

  • Stacy

    After reading Beth’s site, I totally read Leta handed Chuck a poop tart.

  • Fever,
    Mrs. Claus likes it on top.
    WHy would she agree to live at the North effin Pole otherwise?

  • Santa: “Ho ho ho! [Squirt. Squirt. Squirt.]”

  • Maybe he’s procuring hoe hoe hoes.

  • I think santa’s got to poop.

  • lulu cornichon

    I think Santa’s just accessorizing with that flag. It does go pretty well with his outfit. Although so would Switzerland… and France…

    Santa… of FRANCE!!!!

  • Whoops. I didn’t mean that kind of present. I meant like a pony.

    I might do Santa for a pony…

  • What is Beths site? Linky linky

  • I wonder if they have other Santa statues that show him holding other kinds of flags.

  • frank

    all the milk and cookies Santa gets? yeah, he’s a work pooper

  • Has anyone else noticed that the Goooooooogle ads have disappeared? At least, I’m not seeing them. And I have high speed internet and the best equipment, etc. Goooooooogle wouldn’t go and delete them thinking that more people are going to click on them just for the BlogAid, would they?

  • Sadly, though, he only comes once a year. Mrs. Claus then has to look elsewhere. Now we know what all those reindeer games are all about …

  • omg! she’s feeding chuck pop tarts! what’s next, pizza!?

    you ok, i learned it by watching you!!!!

    anyone remember that anti-drug commercial?

  • Dooce, my heart fluttered a little when I read the “Thinking” entry about Leta feeding Chuck some of her Pop-Tart. Okay, so yeah, I’m hormonally unbalanced, but it was still very sweet. Did you get a picture, perchance? (And isn’t my “perchance” oh-so-lovely and pretentious?)

    Oh, and JulieT, I still see the Google ads.

  • Dazed & Confuzed

    Oh thanks, Johnny Fever….now I’ve got this horrendous vision of Santa leaving his “nog” all over Mrs. Claus. Thanks just all to pieces.

  • Jena

    I love your site! It is the first thing I read in the morning when I get to work! Keep up the good work Dooce!

  • Okay, so I’m Gooooooogle ad inhibited. I won’t wonder.

  • Awww, Leta has learned how to share. You’re such a good role model. But maybe she doesn’t need to learn the Nadal Knockout Move. At least not at this age.

  • Ashley

    Mrs. Stray- it is

  • Kristen

    i’m de-lurking today (i am always late!) love the site. i’d get more work done if i hadn’t discovered it.

    on the pic: i don’t like patriotic christmas things. they just don’t go together. it’s mixing summer – 4th of july – and winter. like a snowman holding an ice cream cone. just doesn’t work for me.

    on the no pooping policy: i’ve heard of this concept before. some places do have this policy in place. i want to know how it can possibly be enforced. and if someone is ‘caught,’ what happens? a written warning that goes in the HR file? WTF?!

  • The only thing better than a sweet child giving a hairy beast an unhealthy snack is a two year old trying to give a hairy beast a tissue. The fact that dogs don’t blow their noses is somehow irrelevant to a two year old.

  • We got a christmas card of santa sewing a flag. Santa as Betsy Ross.
    It placed in our annual tacky christmas card contest, just behind the guy who photographed himself hung to death by christmas lights.

  • Ha. Amanda’s gonna do Santa and a pony?

    *Fish books next flight to MS*

    I’s gots to see dat.

  • ten bucks says santa has one of those annoying yellow ribbons stuck on the bumper of his sleigh.

  • God Bless America and Santa Claus

  • Kruschev says: Santa+America=capitalism and materialism and souls burning in hell.

  • Molly

    whew.. what a relief..

  • frank

    good question. I would guess the 1st time you’re caught you get written up.
    The 2nd time you get… corked?

  • Ya Jimbo.
    The kind you get at Home Depot – for a very wide oversized load.

  • George Lover

    I can’t see the ads either. Hmmm.

    And why do I feel that this is only one example in a very large collection of frightening “collectibles”.

  • (with guitar accompaniment)
    …santa claus wears a red suit,
    he’s a communist,
    and a beard and long hair,
    must be a pacifist,
    what’s in the pipe that he’s smoking???

  • nope, no goooogle ads here either.

  • lulu cornichon

    One minnit, an awesome ad for elk jewelry (…?), the next minnit, nuttin!

    I wonder if the cheap bastards at Google (you know, the ones that are nice enough to enable my information addiction) are grouchy about the blog-aid donations. If so, bad PR, dudes. Suck it up and send out the money.

  • Such a relief to all of us. Somebody needs to give those Finns a good talking to.

  • Tony
  • Annie

    It was Lucy. If it was me, I would have been proud to take credit for those beauties!

    I agree, Santa poops at work.

  • Nononononono. I will not be doing any ponies. Wait, isn’t there a dance called the pony? I might do that.

  • Bellychaser

    I really don’t like that chick in the masthead. She looks like my seventh grade teacher. She’s just not very dooce-ish in her sensible heels and modest below-the-knee pencil skirt. And I think her blazer has shoulder pads.

  • No wonder Mrs. Claus is pissed, its Santa’s problem with Elfe porn and hoe hoe hoes!

  • Nauseated

    Are Jesus and the Easter Bunny American too?

    Is the North Pole a red state? I thought it was in Canada… land of gay marriage and medical pot. I think Elves are gay, and Santa is their Daddy. Mrs Claus must really be his hag. He can’t be a nauseating American patriot. It goes against all logic.

  • stacy

    Belly chaser- I agree! She should be roger rabitting or something.

  • I agree Bellychaser. The chick in the masthead looks like a nightmare dominatrix

  • Tiff:
    Funny you should ask.

    I have no problem going anywhere, unless it’s completely scuzzy of course. There was a period of time when I was working two jobs and spent so much time away from home that pooping there was the exception rather than the rule. I kid you not, for that entire year I went through maybe two rolls of toilet paper.

  • jes


    Did you know that you have been nominated for the Best of Blog Awards? Currently, you are #1 for the best “Big Name” blog. You should tell your readers so they can go vote for you. Someguy is closing in on you…

  • JP

    Every day you make me think, laugh and remember why it is that I blog. You’re a hit…thanks for sharing.

  • Please say that the patriot santa belongs to your mother… 🙂

  • Girl.A – no such thing as a “nightmare dominatrix”

    Well, ok, maybe if she had dentata

  • Am I first?

  • happy to live where there are no tsunamis

    I’m not a daily reader, but I always go back and read to the last place I read. This time i also read the monthly letter, which is just a wonderful way to love your kids. Last thanksgiving, someone I knew lost her daughter in a very tragic way. It made me want to hug a snuggle and breathe my kids the whole weekend. The tsunami kinda makes me feel the same way. I’ve walked the younger one to school just ’cause I didn’t want to let go of her hand at bus time. It also makes me wonder — there was no way, here, to know there had been a tsunami there, without news reports. That a hundred thousand people could die, and there be no visible evidence of it (in my part of the world), is so much more unimaginable to me than the idea of millions of people living somewhere that I can’t see.

    PS Uncle looks like a mormon! so clean-cut! and shaven!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more