the smell of my desperation has become a stench

ABC, easy as 123

UPDATE: The piece will run TONIGHT on ABC World News.

Right now they are filming me writing on my website and I feel like such a dork. I am a dork. Dork dork dork. Dork. And I feel like such a dork. Catiptla D Ork . I think he is doing a close-up and I’m a little sweaty. I am probably shiny right now. Shiny and Such a dork. Dork . Dork. I wonder if he can tell that I am typing Dork Dork Dork Dokrmoroimkruoiiujrrfjj. And guess what? My sister just showed up with her twin boys. THE MONSTERS ARE HERE.

So he just got a close-up of me typing and I never took typing in high school so I’m pecking. Peck peck peck with three of my fingers. And now my fingers are sweating. I am singing DORK in my head. I so hope that he gets me typing dork and they show it on television beacuse that would be very neat. Dork. That’s all I can think of. How big of a dork can I be. Dork. Dork.

Dork and Mindy. Donald Dork. Dork Dork Goose.

Now he is panning down to see my fingers typing. Will he see D O R K. That I am one? A HUGE ONE. ALL CAPS. BABY. DO YOU HEAR ME NOW, JASON?

And so I will continue to dork beacuse he needs more footage. This is real time dorking.

He totally just filmed me typing dork.

Knock knock. Who’s there?


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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