An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Phone War

  • Dang Cold (#77) there are pictures over the Beth’s blog at

    the grown-ups had a get-together at The Red Iguana without the children

  • I hate cell phones! I have to carry one for work as I’m on call 24/7 (I charter private jets) but everytime it rings (well, it doesn’t actually ‘ring’ of course it ‘plays’ some reggae type song) I cringe. I don’t understand people who are addicted to their cell phones – and TEXT MESSAGING – what is up with that!!?!? I just don’t get it.

    Btw my Dad died this week. I wrote about it on my blog if anyone cares to read it. I was very close to him, he was only 67 and I’m completely heartbroken that he is gone. Part of his last words to me were “if I can just get over this hump…” So sad.

  • Dang Cold..

    You held a grudge since September? About what complete strangers said to you in the comments section of a website? Please, please let it go. It really is a small matter.

  • I jus want to know the gory nasty sweaty details of yo and “Jack”. Email me.

  • Dang Cold..

    woman lover – I just backtracked to the posts you’re referring to. I’ll agree that I didn’t find your posts back then offensive and deserving of some of the responses you were hit with. I’m really not sure what set everyone off. However, I don’t see where Heather says “she’s into anal sex” in yesterdays post. She finishes by saying there are secrets she needs to keep from us. That’s all. Neither confirmed or denied.

  • For copy kitty –

    Threaded is a form of eyebrow hair removal. thread is woven through the hairs and yanked. Wax or thread, that mess HURTS!!!

  • woman lover

    I have been totally vindicated. Awhile ago, when Heather discussed the “reconvening of the procedure”, I suggested anal sex for women recovering from labor, and people jumped all over me for that.

    Now look at the posting from yesterday. SHE IS INTO ANAL SEX!!!

    Hey beach gal and others, I accept your apologies.

  • BJT

    You’re not into kinky sex with motorized objects? Oh my vibrator is mine and my husbands best friend. Happy times!

  • the niffer

    Patagonia? Mighty Jimbo, tell us more!

  • Dang Cold..

    Whats all this about heathers tongue and why wasn’t I notified?!?!? I’ve clearly missed something.

    Andrea in Canada – vancouver island is stunning!!! You’re lucky as heck…

  • i log in once from patagonia and i get a story about blow jobs and anal sex.

    you almost make me miss socal. almost.

    this heather, this is why i love your site so.

    hasta from the tip off the world.

  • Your ex boyfriend gives a whole new meaning to “please pass the Grey Poupon”.

  • “if you blow on a penis, will it blow up like a balloon?” wondering that when i was like 12…

    SUCK not blow… and don’t blow in a vagina, or she will get air in her blood vessels and explode. that’s gross.

  • Andrea in Canada

    Wait, how many Andrea’s are there now? LOL..I’ve lost track…of course not of me…I always know which Andrea I am.

    Wendy, where in BC? I’m on the island.

  • kater

    Oh my your post today made me laugh out loud. In the office, at work. Sooo funny! “Mom, how do you toss a salad?” — priceless.

  • T. K

    Dooce, I’d like to call you, we could chat over hot-buttered scones and curse the world straigh to hell.

  • Andrea in Canada

    I laughed…oh I laughed! Dooce, my dad would just drop down on the floor in heart failure if he read that about me! OR YOU! LOL

  • Just so you know, you and Gene Simmons have got to have the longest frickin’ tongues on the entire planet. You should dress up like him for Halloween…then dress up Jon as one of your ‘female’ groupie types…I’ll bet he looks real good in a skirt…hehehee

  • Dang Cold..


  • I agree with you, Danielle. I had posted to my blog a few days ago that I *officially* don’t like camera phone images. Isn’t it just as easy to carry an actual camera around? I do. The images usually look grainy and have a distinct stalker vibe.

    Then again, I’m not overly enthused with our cell phone-based society, and I got rid of mine three years ago when my road trip was over, so I may be biased.

  • Heather you have a long ass tongue. And that comment in no way references your anal post. Seriously.

  • And now when sick bastards google A1 and anal they will find there way here. UGH I HATE all these “fat housewife sex” google freaks. For real.

  • Dang Cold (52), I see the Ozzy reference. Which is weird, because I woke up to Ozzy on the radio this morning. I think it’s a sign.

  • Not that Beth actually looks like Ozzy, because she doesn’t.

  • 64th! I think that’s the closest to first I’ve ever been.

  • 53rd!

  • She looks like the Mona Lisa, gone mad with the power of modern technology.

  • Silly Girls 🙂

  • Sharon

    Courtney, have you ever tried to keep a cell phone number from a mother who is desperately hurt that you won’t even give your cell phone number TO YOUR OWN MOTHER?

  • copy_kitty

    off topic:

    Threaded? As in the body-modification procedure? Or am I missing some obscure reference to A-1 and anal sex?!

  • Dang Cold..

    Then the key is not to tell mummy that you have a cell phone. Turn it off and hide it during family gatherings.

  • The key is not getting a cell phone at all.

  • Dang Cold..

    yes…or that

  • Carla Beth

    I threw my cell phone away two years ago. Literally chucked in the trash. One reason is that I constantly had this piercing ear pain. It started when I started using a cell phone and stopped within a week of throwing it away. The doctor I spoke with said it’s a coincidence. Apparently lots of people are having this experience … and their doctors are telling them the same thing! Becareful with those darn phones.

  • I’ve been looking so long at this picture of you that I almost believe that it’s real.

  • Dang Cold..

    Okay maybe I’m blind but in that dark, grainy pic of sinister beth, is there not a *slight* hint of Ozzy Osbourne? She does look lovely in pics though with that big beautiful smile of hers.

    *mama I’m comin’ home*

  • People can only call you, Dooce, if you give them the number. Just keep that in mind…

  • So, it’s me looking at you looking at Beth who’s taking a picture of you taking a picture of her so that I could look at her. Stop the madness!

  • i got threaded yesterday. anyone ever done that? it hurts like a BITCH.

  • Dang Cold..

    lala – as superplum says. I was sleeping of my anal-filled friday night.

  • you just need to think of it as a camera with other annoying features. you don’t need to answer it.

  • wait, i’m confused. where does the extra camera come from then, if you’re taking a pic of her taking a pic of you? hmmmmmmmmm… don’t mind me. it’s still early here, my left eye is bugging me, and i have nothing else to do until i can open it fully.

  • Well, I personally find it really FUNNY and not at all IRONIC that heather has choosen to talk about anal sex just minutes MINTUES i tell you! after being national recognized. I wonder, is this an attempt at keeping readership down? And wasn’t that a book about humping rabbits? Readership Downs?

  • Nah, you don’t need your own cell phone. You can just steal Jon’s all the time the way my husband steals mine ALL THE TIME!

  • “the Leaning Tower of Penis”

    *spew Diet Coke on monitor”

    “like one of those signs in the yard that keeps leaning over to one side”

    *choke and splutter so loudly cat runs from room”

    “in an Elmo voice”

    *collapse onto floor and cackle maniacally*

    Woo! I think this is in my Top 5 All-Time Dooce Posts. Tell it, sister! 🙂

  • Manic

    My first camera phone actually took pretty good pictures; as a phone, well it sucked, then died. So now I have one that is a great phone, but the camera part – – – well, let’s just say it’s a good thing that I didn’t pay for it!

  • Funny picture. You have to let us know if your dad read that post. Poor dad. 😉

  • My husband and I keep one of those pre-paid joints just so whomever is out and about can be reached or get help if need be. We don’t really socialize so no worries of folks calling.

  • I love checking in here and seeing the photo of the day! Just came back from walking dogs at the shelter and picking up their poop, so the conversation here (as usual) is tying in nicely with my day so far… POOP!

  • I hope the lateness of the post means you’re sleeping in on weekends.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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