Yesterday a friend left a message on the phone reminding me to take my vitamins. I called her back and left her a message that yes, indeed, I had taken my daily multi-vitamin, and not just because it cures cancer.

I once heard an expert say that although Salma Hayek doesn’t ever exercise she does take one multi-vitamin a day and that this multi-vitamin is solely responsible for her good looks and figure.

Consequently I call my multi-vitamin my Salma Hayek Vitamin because not only is she free of depression and bi-polar disorder, but she also has fantastic bosoms. I need all the help I can get.

All the other vitamins I take — the Neurontin, the Valium, and the Prozac — I call those Thank God Tom Cruise Is Not In Charge Otherwise I Would Be Dead Right Now Vitamins.