the smell of my desperation has become a stench

He can’t handle the truth

Yesterday a friend left a message on the phone reminding me to take my vitamins. I called her back and left her a message that yes, indeed, I had taken my daily multi-vitamin, and not just because it cures cancer.

I once heard an expert say that although Salma Hayek doesn’t ever exercise she does take one multi-vitamin a day and that this multi-vitamin is solely responsible for her good looks and figure.

Consequently I call my multi-vitamin my Salma Hayek Vitamin because not only is she free of depression and bi-polar disorder, but she also has fantastic bosoms. I need all the help I can get.

All the other vitamins I take — the Neurontin, the Valium, and the Prozac — I call those Thank God Tom Cruise Is Not In Charge Otherwise I Would Be Dead Right Now Vitamins.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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