This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

The great and dreadful day of the Lord

Yesterday while standing in line at the grocery store I noticed that the Deseret Book display — Deseret Book is a Mormon book publisher — had some new titles in, including this delightful guide for teenagers:

Like, I totally can’t wait for the Second Coming! All those people who didn’t pay their tithing are, like, going to burn! Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE. And the earthquakes and disease and famine, those are kinda sad and all, but totally necessary, to weed out the evil-doers. Those who are righteous when he comes won’t get hurt, though. Cool, huh? I just hope he comes, like, during the day and not in the middle of the night because, like, I’ll be SO EMBARRASSED if I have to go to heaven in my pajamas.

I can attest to the fact that Mormon teenagers are preoccupied with the thought of how awesome the Second Coming is going to be, and not with, say, how awesome it will be to kiss with tongue for the first time, like, when they’re married.

  • This is, like, so totally cool and stuff. Although I have to repent quick-like so I can go to the Celestial Kingdom. It will be okay though because I am like, so totally in The Chosen Generation. My Sunday school teacher says so..

    Now, where did I leave my bong…

  • ‘how awesome will it be?’

    um, very!

    (what a silly question. what other answers are they thinking we could come up with? ‘eh, it’ll be kinda awesome. i mean, yeah, whatever, it’s cool.’

    (i just posted a happy-first-birthday to my kitten on my blog, and it’s like this strange appropriation and combination of your leta newsletters and your silly pictures of chuck. strange to post. but, hey, thanks.)

  • Tired mom

    Is it only going to be awesome for Mormons?

  • Wow. Every religion definitely has its weird points, and that is pretty funny. I like the hopeful uplooking girl on the cover, and how she’s blonde haired and blue eyed, like you normally describe the multitudes out there.

  • There’s a masturbation pamphlet? We didn’t get that in Catholic school….

    I wonder if I’ve been doing it right.

  • SurprisingWoman

    Whoot!

    I love the phamplet about masterbation they pass out to the boys. I think it was written by Boyd K. Packer.

    OMG, it is very interesting.

  • Married people tongue kiss? Gross! (Using a Napolean Dynamite voice makes that funny in my mind)

  • I’m not a Mormon, never have been, but even I’m excited about this! 🙂

  • onbeelay

    Correct me if I’m wrong here but instead of the masturbation pamphlet, don’t the girls get a dating one? Like how to date the Mormon way. I.E. not until your 16, best place to go is the Temple Gardens…. Man I wish I could remember them all.

  • onbeelay

    Correct me if I’m wrong here but instead of the masturbation pamphlet, don’t the girls get a dating one? Like how to date the Mormon way. I.E. not until your 16, best place to go is the Temple Gardens…. Man I wish I could remember them all. Double dates?

    Also do you think there is no explicit talk about female masturbation because its okay for females to masturbate or because the actual thought of females masturbating would bring the church elders to think impure thoughts or is it just out of the realm of possiblity that females might also wish to masturbate? Or does it not really matter all that much to Gawd because he’s not talking to us anyways?

  • skissman

    I found the masturbation pamphlet I think; and no, they are *not* in favor of it.

    http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/daily/sexuality/masturbation.htm
    I think I’m glad I’m Methodist, you know, the we really don’t want to offend anyone religion. Casserole anyone?

  • it’s unfortunate, but so, so true. i was very much genuinely concerned about what i would be wearing at the time of the second coming for most of my teenage years. in retrospect, i should have realized how evil and wrong my wardrobe was at that time. i hope the pictures burn with me.

  • Totally! Like, I think heaven will be all the Sprite I can drink and The Carpenters’ Greatest Hits on repeat for all eternity!

  • coelacanth

    This book is no different than the voodoo doll, immaculate conception, 72 virgins, or even the rabbit’s foot. The unfortunate truth is that the vast majority of people adopt or become brainwashed into believing the superstitions of their cohort. It’s always a pleasure to read the blog of someone who hasn’t met such a fate. 😉

  • jlf

    Ok, like, mormons wait until marriage to frenchkiss? And, I agree with Heather, I do not want to be in my pjs (or anything else, for that matter) at the second coming…
    jlf

  • HeySenorita

    I spent my honeymoon last summer near Cardston, Alberta, which seems to be populated entirely by Mormons. One day in town, we passed bookstore where I figured I could pick up a copy of the newest Harry Potter book. Um, nope.
    It was an LDS bookstore that also sold devotional art. It was totally bizarre going into a bookstore where I abosutely nothing was familiar. We didn’t stay long.

  • Leahpeah, is that an actual real diary entry? My god! I bout died. I bet big bucks my sister-in-law has a diary somewhere with that exact same entry in it…
    Kren, that is awesome. Sure it wasn’t a member of the Bush fambly?
    The comments are almost as funny as the post today!

  • PixieMegh

    Hi! Long time reader, first time commenter. Heather, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. I don’t always agree with everything you say about Mormons on this site, BUT I can see the humor in most of what you write here. Besides, it’s YOUR blog, not mine.

    I’m only posting here to defend my “coolness” because as a born, raised and still practicing Mormon I hate hearing that I can’t possibly have or be any fun because of it. A book like that would have only been bought for me as a joke by a friend as my parents knew better than to give me stupid stuff like that (in fact they might have bought something like that for me as a joke).

    For the record, even though I’ve never done anything “terrible” (ie: sex, coffee, alcohol etc.) I’m still able to live a relitively “normal” life. I just saw KoRn (who I think are banned from Utah lol) last month and would have seen Nine Inch Nails last week if I could have afforded it. I also argue with my husband on a regular basis for my right to say “fuck”.

    PS. I commend you on your bravery to live in Utah. I never will.

  • Ryan

    I’ve always found those masturbation phamplets kind of a turn on.

    Pg 1: Don’t sleep in the same bed with your missionary companion, or you’ll burn in hell.

    Pg 2: Touching yourself innappropriately does not bring the spirit into your life, and you’ll burn in hell.

    Pg 3: You will burn in hell!

    It’s like a romance novel.

  • M@

    That book will take on a new meaning when she discovers she’s multiorgasmic.

  • M@

    ps: the girl on the cover – not Heather, I mean.

  • esther

    i’ve learned, growing up in utah, that the best way to get around the whole ‘what ward do you go to?’ and ‘wanna go to the stake dance this weekend?’ is to simply say, ‘i’m buddhist’. shut’s them up real quick and i am only silently judged.

    it also helps that i’m asian and obviously an unchristian heathen. you can’t save me! ha ha ha!

  • Kren

    Not really a rapture story, but I’m reminded of the (true) story of a Texas legislator who, in speaking about a bill to make English the official language of the state, actually said, “If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.” Awesome comment, dude, and so on-target!

  • I like so totally hope the “second coming” doesn’t start before prom, like that would be totally not cool!

    Do Mormons have prom?

  • Smacky

    I saw that exact book the other day.

  • Dear Carrie Johnston~

    Thank you. That was bugging me too.

    If there’s one word everyone should know how to spell, it’s mastUrbation.

    paige

  • PLEASE!!! For the love of whatever certain of you find holy,
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    Spelling class is now over.

  • Hey, like, Nothingbutbonfires, you can, like, sooo totally forget all that stuff you said about tampons and stuff because you’re not getting your period in heaven. Duh! And Jesus is, like, way too hot to be on a waterslide, K?

  • Jamie

    I’m married to a recovering Mormon and live in Utah, so close to Provo I can smell the funeral potatoes and Jello. Anyhow, I’m really looking forward to the second coming. No more traffic on 15!

  • Wow. Those Mormons (Less-mons?) really have their finger on the pulse of their target demographic. They’re about 25 years late, but whatevs.

  • Every time I read something like this I feel like Neo freed from the clutches of the Matrix. Then I feel sorry for all the suckers still plugged into the lie.

  • dscokween

    not only is the second coming going to be *awesome*, but Salt Lake City will house the most evil people in the world. My vote is that heather is leading a parade down the iron rod right into the swampy depths of despair. She’s our latter-day Laman!

  • Fyse

    I can’t hear the words ‘second coming’ without thinking of the great Prophet Zarquon at the ‘Restaurant at the End of the Universe’…

    “Er, look, I’m sorry I’m a bit late. I’ve had the most ghastly time, all sorts of things cropping up at the last moment. Er, how are we for time? Have I just got a min-” BOOM!

    Classic…

  • journal entry, celestial star date 1986:

    i spend all my nights looking to the stars while feeling enraptured by the prospect of living in the celestial kingdom and wondering how awesome it will be. you know, the telestial and the terrestrial are just not good enough and i won’t accept either one of them. they are not awesome. that is where the people that are just ‘good’ or ‘ok’ will live. you know, like mother theresa. *sigh. it takes a lot to go to the celestial kingdom. but i never show my naked body past where the garment line would be. and i never drink beer or smoke or gossip. not like jeannie. she’s so bad. she’s always gossiping and talking about people. and one of her shirts shows her complete upper arm, right to the pit. soooo bad. she is so not going to the C-kingdom. it might be lonely there since there just aren’t that many people that are righteous enough to go, but that’s ok. bigger castles for me, i guess. and more ponies!

  • littlemy

    OMG, funniest post ever!! I love all your posts that take the mick out of mormonism. Americans can do satire, you proved it!

  • Trish

    We temp live with my Witness inlaws and what a treat that is sometimes. I find myself having to hold my mouth shut when it comes to certain things, the 2nd Coming included *though they don’t believe that HE will be coming back just that Armageddon is coming and HE will be executing judgement on the non believers* My MIL has given me Watchtower magazines if she thinks it pertains to me (she once gave my BIL’s girlfriend one on excessive drinking) It’s been educational for sure and has helped reaffirm to my husband and I what we DON’T want to do to our kids.

    I’ve told you before but it bears repeating: You rock Heather and I would needing more therapy than I already get if you were to stop blogging. Love to Leta and Chuck (Hi Jon!)

  • jenniwithanI

    Those of you who are a little fuzzy on the details of appropriate kissing, should read “Is Kissing Sinful?”

    That should clear it up for you.

    As a recovering Mormon who experienced the religion as a teen, it’s stuff like this that keeps you up at night with worry!

    “What if I opened my mouth too much? Does that count as french-kissing? Will I be able to take the sacrament this week? If I don’t, then everyone will know…I’m a sinner!!!!”

    I know it’s inevitable that I’ll screw up my children in some way, but it gives me peace to know that they won’t be screwed up like this!

  • Is the masturbation pamphlet for or against self-enjoyment? I’m baffled by this. I don’t know if Mormons think masturbation is a sin or not.

  • Kate

    I thought this was possibly another belated/very early April Fool’s prank so I looked it up on Amazon. Wow.

    Book description:
    Teenagers should know that the faithful need not fear!
    Roger McKenzie knows firsthand that teenagers are unsure, even terrified about the events surrounding the Second Coming. He has personally talked to hundreds of teenagers about the events of the last days and has heard questions asked such as: “Will my family be okay?” “How can I know I’m ready?” “Have I repented enough?” “What will it be like if I’m still alive when the Savior comes again?” Relying on the scriptures, insight from Church leaders, and the effective way he connects with youth. Roger McKenzie helps fill a gap for teenagers who should know that the faithful need not fear.

    Just… wow.

  • Was it shelved next to the “Left Behind” series?? Or since that’s not by a Mormon author it’s not considered “true”?

    Think if I’m super nice Jesus will turn some water into wine so I can be drunk for all eternity?

  • Like…

  • hey, can i get a ticket for the hell-bus? i’ll bring my own keg!

  • Cindi

    back in the days of mormonism – this used to scare the bejesus out of me:

    http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/youth/strength_youth.html

  • StoneMan

    Since masturbation and premarital sex seem to be so titilating to many o the posters: please look for the “prequel”, _The First Coming_, and the third installment, _The Righteous Awesomeness of Coming, Coming, and Coming Again_. I worked HARDON those books, so please don’t be too critical. And, I’m very happy to be a faithful Mormon. Seriously. Like you said, we ARE all in this together… At least until you chaff are burned at last big bash! 🙂

  • that’s worse than narnia… eewww.

  • SaraBylotas

    Looks like Jamie Lynn Spears passed on Scientology to become Mormon. Or they paid her a lot of money to do this cover!

  • emily

    I am very excited about the second coming. I can’t wait to meet my Savior.

  • Hey Heather, I just got done eating your favorite Dutch dish…Chicken Bits Smothered in Peanut Butter. Do you think they will have that in heaven?

  • You’ve still definitely got some issues to work through there girl! But wow, there sure is some weird religious stuff out there!

  • ericales

    I’m a Member (I do get to capitalize that, right?). Got a Recommend and everything (That gets capitalized too, yes?). But that book looks retarded.