Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

The great and dreadful day of the Lord

Yesterday while standing in line at the grocery store I noticed that the Deseret Book display — Deseret Book is a Mormon book publisher — had some new titles in, including this delightful guide for teenagers:

Like, I totally can’t wait for the Second Coming! All those people who didn’t pay their tithing are, like, going to burn! Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE. And the earthquakes and disease and famine, those are kinda sad and all, but totally necessary, to weed out the evil-doers. Those who are righteous when he comes won’t get hurt, though. Cool, huh? I just hope he comes, like, during the day and not in the middle of the night because, like, I’ll be SO EMBARRASSED if I have to go to heaven in my pajamas.

I can attest to the fact that Mormon teenagers are preoccupied with the thought of how awesome the Second Coming is going to be, and not with, say, how awesome it will be to kiss with tongue for the first time, like, when they’re married.

  • Oh My Heck! I would hate for LDS writers to get Left Behind with the whole bad Rapture literature out there. That would be a real shame.

    But admit it, Heather– you LOVED Jack Weyland books, now didn’t you?

  • filmgoerjuan

    I almost don’t have the heart to tell her that she’s not going to Heaven in her pyjamas! I mean it’s not just Kirk Cameron and his ragtag Tribulation Force that are being “left behind”.

  • sparkle motion

    Ugh, this is a big part of the reason that I have no religion. How can such a ginormous number of people believe that of all the different beliefs in the world, everyone who does not subscribe to theirs is damned to suffer the Armageddon, or whatever it is they think. And why do they choose to worship such a punishing god who would “leave behind” so many millions who never had much choice in the matter of what their beliefs were? (eg, people born in regions where there is no exposure to christianity…of course, i guess that’s what missionaries are for, and yeah, what a swell effect they’ve had overall).
    I could go on and on, but I won’t. But I could.

  • *Sigh*. When my own Mormon mother sees my evil pierced beardiness, she is often moved to exclaim, “I can’t wait until the Second Coming. This world is soooo evil, I can’t wait until it’s over.”

    Maybe this timeline will look familiar to you:

    Devirginification: 25
    Coffee: 29
    Beer: 30
    Freedom from a mind-fucking cult: priceless.

  • Am I the only one who read it as “second cum…ing?” And yes, how totally awesome I thought that was!!

  • A masturbation flyer? This was mentioned further up in the comments. I’d like to see that? Why can’t girls do it? We aren’t “spilling our seed” or whatever that language is in in the Bible…or maybe I’m that confused about my own anatomy?

  • Taegan7879

    I think the Masterbation Pamphlet is given to the missionaries before they leave. My brother just turned 19 and is thinking of putting in his papers… if he gets that, I’ll ask him to send it to me, LOL.

  • BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    It’s like “The Day After” but only the righteous will survive.

  • WOW.

    Utah is like a different universe isn’t it?

    I drove through SLC a few months back… even the guy at the Pizza Hut was a little off. We kept driving obviously…

  • rockr girl

    like, oh my gosh, heather. that is seriously, like, the greatest thing i have ever seen! i SOOO want that book! for realz, though.

    however, being the self-appointed bus driver for the party bus to hell (we’ve got kegs in the back, ya’ll!), i am really hoping that this Second Coming you speak of happens while i am still young enough to enjoy all of my friends who will reside with me in Hades. i imagine with all the heat, there will be little clothing and lots of cold beer – so i’d better still look good and be able to hold my liqour!

  • Portia

    Oh Dooce! How you entertain me! I’m married to a “recovering Mormon” though I was never Mormon, I worked for a Mormon dentist for a few years…

    I have to say your religious posts are my favorite! And I have to ask…. Do they wear those classy underwear in the Celestial Kingdom? When my husband gets home, I will definitely be asking about the masturbation pamphlet. I didn’t see in the LDS section of books at the local Wal*Mart. ha!

    Thanks for your site! I love it! And thanks to the ads for Big Love, I wait every week with anticipation and wonderment of what you might comment.

  • Why don’t I know about the masturbation pamphlet? My calling is with the youth, for crying out loud!

  • I was just SURE that was a Photoshop job, ’til I saw your comment, dooce. And now I’m just…stunned. And a little giggly. Hee.

  • RS

    I love that there’s a book on that site about Group Dating! Such fun.

  • Hey this looks like a great group going to hell, even if we are burning, we will have so much fun making fun of those people who aren’t there. I grew up Southern Baptist with damnation taught to me three times a week…some how I escaped. My Mom constantly says to me, “I know where I’m going.” Yeah, she knows where she’s going, after she just gossiped about one of the ladies in her Sunday school class.

  • Imanitsud

    You could really mess with those teenagers by sneaking in at night and replacing all the aforementioned Awesome Second Coming books with “If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person” by that Quaker guy Phil Gulley and James Mulholland. Well, actually, it might more mess with the heads of the adults. I’m not Quaker, but I have a very good friend who is.

    (First time commenting on your site — and I have to say I enjoy it immensely. It’s refreshing, amusing, honest, and sometimes it’s… let’s call it ‘educational.’)

  • So now I’m wondering what Jesus will say to the teens…”DUDES, like don’t be afraid! I’ve like totally risen again, right? So now we’re all gonna kick it in heaven, God-style! WORD.”

  • That is really funny. Having been away from Zion for a long time, I’ve forgotten what kinds of books inhabit the spaces next to the checkout. I’ve also forgotten about my teenage preoccupation with the Second Coming. In fact, I’ve pretty much decided that if Tori Amos (because she sings weird shit that I can’t live without), Heather Armstrong (because she has denied the Holy Ghost), David Sedaris (because he’s gay), and numerous other of my heroes aren’t allowed into Heaven, then neither am I. I’ll go where they go, dear Lord.

  • Taegan7879

    Oh man, thats classic. I think I’ll buy that for my ex-Mormon sister who’s getting married to her non-Mormon boyfriend next month, as a wedding gift, LOL. I still remember when I was 14 years old, being TERRIFIED that I’d never get my drivers license because my mom told me the 2nd Comming was almost here. Talk about putting the fear of God into someone, haha.

  • also, Nothing But Bonfires, that comment is pure genius.

  • Y

    I was not raised Mormon, but, rather, “Born again Christian”. (Not that I am now a practicing BAC or anything) My dad didn’t like The Mormons and would chase them down the street, waving his bible, screaming (in his thick mexican accent) things like “You’re sending people to HELL WITH YOUR LIIEEEEEESSSSSSS.”

    I guess I tell you this because I, like, TOTALLY didn’t know Mormons believed in the second coming. And finding out that they do is almost MORE AWESOME than the actually second coming itself.

  • I completely expected it to say, “Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE, fo’shizzle.” I must say I’m a wee bit disappointed.

    Then again, I’m sure the Mormon teens don’t listen to Snoop Dogg (although if the current teens are anything like my high school Mormon friends, they would be all over it). And that reminds me of the time my friend Becky was demonstrating the lyrics to Shaggy’s “Wasn’t Me” by getting on the floor and slapping it with her hands. She really thought that “bangin’ on the bathroom floor” meant the couple would slap their hands against the tiles because the acoustics were awesome.

  • meredith

    I am not Morman, but I was brainwashed enough to think that after a first kiss in the last row of a movie theater at the age of twelve, that I was going straight to hell.

  • Eternal damnation in the firey pit of hell: How MUCH ASS WILL THAT SUCK?

  • Heather … you are SO going to hell.

    See ya there!!

  • Oh my god, and what if Jesus, like, asks me for a pencil during the Second Coming and I, like, reach into my bag, and, like, pull out, like, a TAMPON, or something? Oh my god, how totally NOT AWESOME would that be? And then what if we, like, have to go on a water slide in heaven, and my bikini bottoms come off, and, like, Jesus is totally cute, and HE SEES IT? Like, oh my god. It could be so NOT AWESOME.

  • i can’t believe that really exists.

    so much so that i really stared at it for a long while thinking “wait, oh, i get it, this is like that other post that was really funny with the crazy kids books!”

    not? unbelievable.

    ps pleasepleaseplease can i have the forsithia picture please i emailed you but i will take this opportunity of not being comment #92859385734908 to beg 🙂

  • shenshe

    I grew up mormon also, and the wide variety of books that deseret offers never ceases to amaze me. My mom once bought me one about music called “Apples or Onions” when she causght me listening to Nine Inch Nails, she should have realized then that I wasn’t going to grow up her perfect mormon daughter!

  • y’all, the book really exists:

    http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4920236

  • Tired Mom, yes, I’m pretty sure it is just for Mormons. The rest of us go someplace very special of our very own, with lots of very hot, very large fireplaces.

    You know, they have books like this in our grocery store check out line, too. Baptist mostly, but still. And they are a little more subversive – the title will be something like, “Mending your Marriage:” and then in very small print, “Walking in the path of the Lord to the Kingdom of Heaven.” The ones for teens are all about avoiding temptation. Of course the couple on the cover looks virginal and whatnot, and the ‘teen’s’ look like 10 year olds. Gross.

    I’m amazed at how numb I’m becoming to it all. When we first moved here, I could not stop laughing about it – it was fucking HILARIOUS and I would pick up the books and show my husband and squeal, “OH MY GOD!” But now, I have been beaten into submission and I just casually put my V-8 on the conveyor belt, pick up my requisite US Weekly, and go home, nary an amused glance.

    I’m going to miss that when we move out of this place.

  • Aurora_NY

    (daily photo)
    So has the former congressman been elected sheriff now? Cool bling there!

  • mayberry_blonde

    I find it quite amusing that while looking up the correct spelling of ‘masturbation’ at Websters Online, there was a picture of George Bush along with the question: Is Bush a good leader?

  • SurprisingWoman

    This conversation didn’t get nearly as awful as I thought it would. I am proud of most, some are just never going to “get it.”

    I am proud I brought up the mastUrbation booklet. Whoot, Go Me!

    Heather, do you have your Saturday’s Voyeur tickets yet? We reserve four tables ever year for the 2pm show. We have a brunch with mimosas and bloody mary’s and head down for the show. At the show we have four high tops and drink wine and share desert. If you don’t have plans we would be proud to have you join our group. Email me, you have the address.

    xoxo

  • callchel

    i’ve always wanted to have a threesome with the american mormans who knock on my door occasionally.

  • I just have to say how fucking frightening that is.
    Seriously.

  • Laurie

    You Go Girl!!!!! I mean Jezzy girl!!!!!!!

  • I was at a stoplight yesterday and two nice young Mormons pulled their bikes up right next to my window. I really wanted to roll it down and ask them if a) they knew you or b) had read this book.

  • jezzy_girl

    Hey Erat – I agree with you. People do think their religion is normal, and the others are ‘nuts.’ That’s why my family and I choose to have *no* religion. (Unless you count the church of hiking which we do as a family most Sundays where we worship nature and enjoy being together as a family). We *are* more alike than different, so why separate people by religion? Religion divides people, it is not a uniter. You are right – EVERY religion has goofy beliefs, rituals, and symbols. Once I saw through the b.s. of Mormonism, it’s sure easy to see through the b.s. of ALL organized religion.

    Religion DOES separate people into ‘us’ vs. ‘them.’ People who have the truth and people who don’t. Sinners vs. people who obey commandments. It causes people to judge, it causes people to condemn, it causes people to not appreciate or celebrate all the beautiful ‘differences’ that people possess. Hate the sin, love the sinner?? What kind of nonsense is that?

    Yes, I am a good person, volunteer in the community, own a successful business, have a great marriage, am teaching my kids morals and how to be loving and accepting of all – without the weirdness of ANY religion, and without the belief in a god or anything supernatural or superstituous for that matter. no believing in hell or ghosts or the devil or eternal damnation. we take responsibility for our actions – there’s no destiny or fate – you choose your own path in this life – it’s not predestined already. It’s just us in this world. And I couldn’t be happier. Granted it took growing up *weirdly* religious for me to get to this happy place.

    So Erat, calm down – nothing is being ‘demonized’ and no one is ‘shooting’ on the way out. As for me – I’ll call a spade a spade, I’m not going to tiptoe around weird religions and ‘respect’ people’s weird beliefs. I’ll question idiosyncracies in any religion and question why?? and not just take ‘because it’s always been done that way’ as an answer.

    I feel very lucky to have been able to take the ‘blinders’ off when I did, and not waste so much of my precious life running on the neverending exercise wheel of organized religion. To live like that is exhausting.

  • erat

    Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

    Everyone thinks their religion is normal and everyone else’s is nuts. The fact is, EVERY religion looks a bit odd when it’s not your own. Grab any religion out of the air and look at its diet plan, its rituals, the lifestyle it promotes… If you think yours is somehow better or more valid, you’re not stepping back far enough to offer an informed analysis.

    I hate to break it to you, but we’re all more alike than we are different. Trying to find new and improved ways of separating folks into “us” and “them” is a waste of energy.

    It’s unfortunate that folks feel they have to demonize the things they don’t understand. It’s also unfortunate that folks who do understand but have chosen a different path are not content to simply follow that path; they have to turn around a shoot while they’re leaving. I don’t get it.

    Whatever.

  • Robyn

    WOW! I am shocked by your lack of repsect you have other peoples beleives. Just because you choose not to practice being a morman doesn’t mean you have to dis it. I am not a morman but I respect there beleives even though I do not beleive what they do.

  • It’s funny how people who have something bad to say to you always have THE WORST spelling.

  • thleen

    Ok…it’s Saturday here and I am in my “Hey! I do not have to report for anything today. WooHoo.” In otherwords, I think differently and sarcastically when I can, so I log on to Dooce.com , my favorite blog, btw, and there is that book in the photo. I paused and read the title twice. Initially thinking it was a title from that fun bookstore you found the baby book titles, you know, the teenager section…kind of a Sex Ed book for teen girls in Utah and then scrolled down and figured out what the real meaning of the title was. Then in my small little area of info I have on the Mormon religion I jumped to the “men marrying 14 year olds” part. Funny how that worked.

    PS: the forsythia pic is very beautiful.

  • Laurie

    When the second coming happens and Jesus comes to Jackson Co., MO. My friend and I decided we will road trip over there to see him at the mall or convention center. Now that will be awesome. We will make a day of it. Drive over, get some Margaritas and mexican food then go to see him at whatever appearance he is making. Because seeing him on Good Morning America will just not be the same.

  • Zoe Trope

    I love the excerpt from the publisher’s website. After detailing a horrific and tragic death of a free diver who had “bad timing”, they write:

    God’s timing, by contrast, is perfect. He knows all things (D&C 38:2). He knows what has happened to you in the past, what’s happening to you now, and what will happen to you in the future. He also knows the answer to a question many of us have asked: When will Christ come again? (Matthew 24:36). Although no one else knows the day and the hour of the Second Coming, the scriptures help us understand a little about the timing of the Lord’s return.

    For example, “I come quickly,” “nigh at hand,” and “soon” (D&C 33:18; 43:17; 38:8) make it sound as if his second coming is close. But how close? According to D&C 110:16, his coming is “near, even at the doors.” Wow! It sounds as if the Lord is on the world’s doorstep and about to knock. But these verses were revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith more than 150 years ago. So do we really know how close the Second Coming is?
    – – –

    I like the “Wow!” part.

  • Nikki Jeske

    Just… wow.

  • jen

    Dude… that is just freaky.

    We drove through Salt Lake City two years ago while driving back to Minnesota. I wanted to stay an extra couple days because it was seriously like being in a foreign country. I wanted to stay there and do some sociological studying or something — it was that strange to me.

    (Not to mention the fact that your streets make absolutely no sense and it took us a flipping hour to get out of SLC because of highway construction.)

  • I remember from ages 8-12 I was terrified of the second coming. It sounded horrific and scary and frightening to me. I’ve been out of the church 10 years, but still to shis day when I see a rainbow I breathe a sigh of relief and think, “Ok, I have another year”.

  • I was raised Catholic, so I’m wondering if the second coming is supposed to be, like, totally scary or awesomely cool. Will Britney be there?

  • I will never not be surprised but the religous books they put out. The sad thing is I used to read books like this when I was growing up. Granted they were Christian and not Morman, but I live on the east coast, yo. What more do you want?

    In further checking out the link your provided there are plenty of other very strange books they sell. This one (http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4598672) was one of my favorites. If only my parents had known to read it.

    I hope you and your family have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the flurries!

  • Crzylady:

    My extended family were/are JWs. I remember being 5 years old and the Watchtower (name which always reminded me of the evil eye tower at Mordor) predicted the apocolypse in October of 1975. I had aunts and uncles who sold their houses to prepare. I always wondered what the purpose of that was. What do you need the money for in paradise? Pretty scary when you are a kindergartener.

    And it was 144,000 people. Even though there are more JWs than that. Hmmm.