An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Further evidence he’s really just a cat

A few nights ago we made pasta and had planned to record the trick where I tie Chuck’s snout shut with a noodle of spaghetti, but before we could get that far we realized that a better video might be one that shows something you can’t really see in a photograph: Chuck doing a half-assed job of obeying a command.

The first trick he ever learned was to sit and then in quick succession he learned most of the other ones, to come and to stay and to lie down. But we waited probably too long to teach him how to roll over because now he routinely gives up in the middle of it and expects us to give him the treat anyway. I guess his thinking is that maybe we missed the part where he didn’t roll all the way over, it could happen, we might have blinked, and he’s much too lazy to not exploit that possibility.

Here I’m tempting him with the pan I used to cook the pasta sauce, and I have to tell him nine times to roll. Four of those times I even give him a visual with my hand to go THAT way. I won’t be surprised if while you’re watching this video your dog rolls over just to get that damn woman to stop yelling ROLL fer chrissake! MAKE HER STOP.

Chuck sort of rolling (flash file)
Chuck sort of rolling (Quicktime movie)

  • I adore Chuck, especially wrapped in spaghetti — I also adore your site, your writing, your wit, Leta’s hair, etc. etc. and every other cetera.

    — The OTHER Jena S, the one who has good taste and appreciates Dooce, not the humorously-challenged one who left a comment on the last post.

  • Your dog IS my dog – only Lucy has gotten to the point where she gets so excited and upset that she just tries to roll over no matter what command we give, and she still can’t quite get it. That’s an amazingly familiar half-roll.

  • And today’s picture! Sooooooooooo adorable. Tres Chuck. Looks like his puppy pictures.

  • Patti

    seriously, when are you going to begin cloning him? I’ll take one Chucklet whether he confuses “roll” with “convulse” or not.

  • Tanya

    I think he gets points for the next-to-last try, because he would have done it if he hadn’t smacked into the cabinets.

    My dog was abandoned four times before he got to me, and apparently one of his former owners frowned on barking. When I tell him to speak, he looks at me like “you’re kidding, right?” the first three times or so.

  • Sabine

    He rolled! I didn’t think he was actually going to do it. Thanks for the cute video.

    And folks – victoria is clearly joking.

  • At least he finally did it. My dog looks at me like, “Who do you think you are to tell me to do stupid tricks for your amusement? Don’t know you that I have better things to do with my time, like lick the area where my balls used to be?”

  • AmyFrances

    I was gonna say something creatively sarcastic like “God, Heather, don’t you know that olive oil causes severe and permanent constipation in dogs? You don’t even DESERVE to be a dog owner…” But then I saw Victoria already beat me to it and got slammed for her sarcasm.
    But in reality, dude, you rock! My former shelter dog can sit, give his paw, GET IN THE HOUSE!, GO LAY IN HIS BED!, and even give me hugs (awwww) but I don’t think I’d ever be able to teach him to roll. Someday, please post about your method. Thanks.

  • I never seem to be able to view your movies. Believe I have both Flash and Quicktime installed, but ah, well. (I don’t really know what I’m doing, so I don’t know how to check, just that I’ve seen both in use for other applications before).

    Whatever. That’s neither here nor there, but what I wanted to say is that your dog and my cat must have traded bodies at some point, because my cat? Often acts exactly like a dog. He obeys when I yell at him to “get down!” off the table, or “get out!” of that room he’s not supposed to be in. Never mind that he talks back to me when I tell him “No!”

  • My dog only does what I say if the weather is just right, the bowel movement was the precise number of moments ago, and there’s bacon in my hand. Then she’ll crawl on her belly to get the bacon, but only if I crawl too. I’m not sure who is getting who to do the trick.

  • Great video! When I was training one of my dachshunds to roll, he needed to be on carpet. If he was on hardwood, NEVAH! But put him on burber or sisal rugs, he would flip like a porpoise at Marineland. Great job, Chuck!

  • Laurie

    Ah Veronica, I do hope you are kidding around. Our three dogs roll around all the time when they are playing with each other (excepting the puppy). Our vet assured us that dogs in the wild roll around all the time. Look up the “alpha roll” and then you can relax, chuck’s spine is fine. 🙂

  • Kelly

    That is so funny. It’s like he wants you to believe he did it so fast you missed it! My dog gets “roll over” and “play dead” confused. It’s pretty funny when we tell her to roll over and she just collapses.

  • meggers

    I envy your dog’s ambition and his brains. My dog is extremely lovable, but the poor dear is not graced with a very apt mind. Whenever I begin to rub her she rolls onto her back so that I can scratch her belly. She becomes so immersed in the feeling of the belly rubbing that she forgets to breathe. When she realizes that “Hey, I’m going to die,” she quickly rolls over and coughs and hacks a few times. Five minutes later she goes back for more belly rubbin’ love and forgets to breathe again. I still love her though. 😀

  • Smacky

    Calm down Victoria, who said it was spaghetti sauce?

    I noticed you turned his collar right-side up again. 🙁 It was so funky upside-down. But, he’s still cute. ^_^

  • What a GOOD BOY!!!

  • cinnarose

    Thanks for my afternoon laugh!

    And to Victoria, I seriously hope you’re joking. Sarcasm tends to not come across so well online. You just sound like a bitch.

  • victoria

    Oh my god! That poor tortured beast! It’s animal cruelty! How could you heartlessly harass him into performing those unnatural contortions! You’re putting his spine at risk. Also didn’t you know that spaghetti sauce is POISON to dogs? The canine liver can’t handle all the tomato toxins. Everyone knows that. Why don’t you just squirt cyanide solution down his throat and be done with it? I’m calling the ASPCA right now.

  • We tried to teach our Buddy to role…we even got down on the floor and tried to roll his then puppy body over so he would get the idea….he just thought we were really determined to scratch his belly….still wont role…but at 100 pounds…i’m not going to try and force him

  • Smark!

    Too CUTE!

    Its AWESOME that you have the flash version of the file out there. No Quicktime plugin for me, thanks!

  • Laura Moncur

    That was hilarious!

    I suddenly feel so much better knowing that I’m not the only person who has to say a command ten times to get one trick out of my dog.

  • textimage

    i have to admit, the prdominant reason i watch these movies and view your pics is to see your home decor.

  • Renae

    Oh my goodness, he reminds me of my dog. Sometimes he’s so excited by the prospect of recieving a TREAT that he FLINGS himself to the floor as if he can’t roll over fast enough. Other times he tries to cheat and do the half roll aren’t I cute thing. In either case, he keeps his eyes absolutely fixed on the precious treat. Dogs are awesome.

  • Any chance you can make arrangements to clone Congressman Chuck? He’s just adorable and I want one just like him!

  • Laura

    Ha! My dog is a total spaz, she spins around in a cricle frantically before rolling over, so we changed the command to “what do you do when you’re on fire?” It is too cute.

    I love hearing your voice Heather. It adds something to your writing. It’s funny how much essence of a person is captured in voice. I am a nurse and take care of patients who are critically ill, sometimes on ventilators and unable to speak. Despite all the the ‘intimate’ encounters we share in their dialy care, I feel like I never knew a thing about them them as a person until I could hear them speak. Many times my impression was changed by the first sentence uttered.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • Yay! What a cutie. I love this new feature of having video and sound clips.

    More! please.

  • Matty Mac

    My supermutts, Frances and Ivan (after the hurricanes we found them in), have a “routine” that they do. They’re pretty smart and know lots of tricks (although roll isn’t one of them). Whenever we have a treat for them, we ask them to do a trick. But it’s not just one trick, it’s all of them. We could say ‘sit’, ‘down’, ‘hiogh five’, ‘low five’, ‘put up your dukes’ or whatever, it doesn’t matter because regardless of what you say, they just do all of their tricks in succession. It’s almost a routine they put on. Sit – lay down – sit up – left paw – right paw – speak – stand…now give us the treat dammit!!!!!! Chuck’s the man, you are very lucky. My life wouldn’t be nearly as fulfilling without my dogs.

  • Mack’sMom

    Too Cute!

    These comments are a great help! Everyone is talking about their pets, and in turn giving me name ideas for our new dog.
    We’re getting a male black lab in a month and need help finding a good name for him. My husband is all about BRUCE, ROCKY, and MAGIC.
    I like names that are a little more enduring!! Right now I like OZZIE, HOMER, and RUDY.

    Any suggestions Heather?? Or DOOCE readers??

  • Heather-

    I haven’t even read this post yet. Instead I wanted to comment on your new author photo. You are so hot that I want to fuckin’ punch you.

    Have a great weekend!

  • cristina

    this is only mildly related to this video, but my fiance is playing harvest moon ( for the gamecube ) and went ahead and named his pet puppy in the game after chuck. he picked the little puppy with the pointy ears just so he could name him accordingly.

    and comment 168, mack’s mom, name him cash. as in johnny, as in the man (lab?) in black.

  • kristentatious

    Wow, that video is not only cute, but it’s like crack for toddlers! I love Chuck!

    Here is a video clip of my almost two year old watching Chuck for the eleventy hundreth time, each time followed by a chant of, “WANNA WATCH THE DOGGY!”

    That was a little while agon, but now he’s so over the dog video. Now he’s running around the house screaming, “Roll!” 🙂

  • Hugely entertaining – but how does he stay so skinny when he is eating the sauce-grease? *grin* Maybe you should start to post your recipes?
    PS your hair looks great.

  • Hey – wanted to comment on your Exclamation Point post the other day. I thought it was great! I love reading your blog because it’s “real.” I also admire the way you are raising Leta and taking care of your dog and love your husband and vice versa. I can only hope that one day I can have such a real, wonderful family with all it’s quirks, ups and downs and laughs. Also, I too am always worried about offending people I know, or otherwise, in my blog…but, oh well – truth hurts sometimes.

  • M@

    Yes, but he’s so eager to please… how can you knock it? He’s adorable.

    I always thought having a dog was like having a retarded younger brother. The love is there, but the faculties aren’t and that’s OK. As a kid, I used to watch “Lassie” with my dog in the hopes that he would view it as an educational program and perhaps learn something… like a canine version of Sesame Street: “Roll! Over! Roll-Over!” Watching a show about a “wonder-dog” made me realize that it’s not the DOG that’s amazing – it’s the owners. I mean… “Bark! Bark-Bark!” – “what’s that? Timmy’s trapped in the abandoned mine shaft?”…. Seriously. So I never felt so bad that the only trick my dog ever learned involved licking himself.

    Then my sister got a cat. That cat quickly learned to fetch, come when he was called, sit, “raise the roof” and roll over.

    Then I realized my friend’s dog could count and spell. I think I saw him on Jeopardy.

    I have come to accept the fact that my pets will never be able to DO… just BE.

    *(ps – my sister’s cat does her taxes now)

  • JC

    that’s hilarious. but if he really was a cat, he’d just yawn and ignore you completely. 🙂

  • You know you’re spoiling us! Now, we’re going to expect it to be “Chuck Video Friday.” Remember when the only videos available on television were “Friday Night Videos?” Ooops…wait, maybe I’m showing my age there…

    At any rate – LOVE YOUR DOG! And the photo today is just too cute. Gotta see that in the 2007 calendar, for sure.

    Thanks for really making it a Good Friday!

  • Yeah, he is totally working it like you missed that he rolled over.

  • I loves me some Chuck!

    And as for the previous day’s post – well, that was some funny shit.

    And I can’t wait to see the new masthead about sweaty goat balls!!!!!!

  • MeAhna

    Aaaw. I am unable to watch the video (I dont have a flash player or a quicktime…..)but I was ablet to hear the audio……still funny…..

  • JenButNeverJenn

    That clip sort of reminds me of how I am when I try to do sit-ups. Except there is rarely sauce at the end to reward me.

  • Oh man, I heart Chuck. If you ever need a dog-sitter…in Texas…let me know!

  • My dog can do “scratch your nose” and it’s really adorable, but somewhere along the line she got lazy and now she doesn’t lift her paw all the way to her snout, but just sort of prances in place. Yes, I still reward that with a treat.

  • LisaS

    I finally joined so that I could start leaving comments (like you need any more with all of the ones you have already) Chuck rocks. He’s the best dog. He is so patient and so funny. Your pictures are the best. Now…about all that crap yesterday.

    Here is what I think…..if people don’t like your site then they don’t have to READ IT. HELLO…it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how ignorent they sound. They take the time to write you this big long nasty comment about how much they hate you and I’m thinking well take your sorry asses to some other web site that isn’t NEARLY as entertaining and go fuck off! That’s it in a nutshell.

    I like your words
    Your sense of humor
    your husband and his cute laugh
    your daughter and her delightfully beautiful soul
    your dog and your life.

    You entertain me and make most days a little brighter by what you share. I applaud you for letting people into your life. The rest of them can disappear.

  • LOL! My dog does the EXACT Same thing. It takes about 3-7 attempts to get her to execute the “Roll Over” Thing. Shes a 5yr old Border Collie/Beagle Mix and a complete brat.

    Chuck is entierly to cute for his own good. =)

  • John’s laugh was great. That was my favorite part. I love to hear people laugh.

  • JennJenn

    Bisket, God bless her gentle soul, could give people High-Fives!
    Being 13, I thought this dog was the ONLY dog in the world who could do that.

    Then I taught her the awesome trick of picking, with her paw, which hand the treat was in.
    I’d hold both fists out in front of me and ask, which one?
    And she’d sniff both furiously over and over again, until she was content with her choice and proceeded to slap which hand she thought the treat was in.

    Then of course I got older and more cynical and started rubbing the treat smell on one hand (with no treat in sight) and would make her choose.

    The disapointment in those sad brown eyes when I opened my fist to reveal no treat would be enough to make Jesus cry.

  • He looked so stoked when he half-rolled!

    Why bother rolling all the way when you can do it half-assed and look that happy?!

  • The difference difference between cats and dogs is that if you tell a cat to do something 15 times in a row and they actually do it, you are pleasantly surprised and begin to think that your cat may be a genius. Probably the same as with a toddler.
    Although we’re pretty sure that one of our cats is mildy retarded, so she gets a pass.

  • idea for you & jon. you should think about writing a short book that includes all the great geekyness how-tos. like the dooce pic effect, etc. everything people are always asking you about. make an e-book. and then charge for it on your site. very low overhead, and with the demand i’m seeing on both of your sites, i think it would sell pretty well. i’m a writer, and if i had your audience i would totally be doing that because of the number of requests for that info.

    just a thought.

    the chuck video is awesome! can we see some more pics of your new hairdo?

  • What a silly woofer.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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