Heater, Mother of Lance

Wise men

A man on the television is lying in bed with his wife recounting the day he had at work. “I told my coworker not to worry,” he says, “because with age comes experience. And with experience comes wisdom.”

“What comes with wisdom?” his wife asks him. And both Jon and I let out an exaggerated moan when the man says, “You!”

“That’s so lame,” I say. “I was hoping that with wisdom comes great hair.”

“Really?” says Jon. “Because I happen to know that with wisdom comes a really big schlong.”

89 Comments
  • Allison

    2006/05/10 at 1:04 pm

    OMG…did I really just put an apostrophe in “finds”? I’m gasping in horror.

    Note to self: always preview before posting!

  • MeAhna

    2006/05/10 at 1:09 pm

    FYI: I frequently use your picture of the day as a background on my computer. (I used the one of the pretty red flowers. Until I seen the one today……)

  • north

    2006/05/10 at 12:15 pm

    I also thought that the “You!” referred to the man’s inherent wisdom regarding getting the woman to come, so no, vegasandvenice, you are not the only one to go there. Immediately.

  • the niffer

    2006/05/10 at 12:39 pm

    Shit, girl. You are funny, but you also attract some of the funniest ‘posters’ I’ve ever met.

  • Allison

    2006/05/10 at 1:03 pm

    So glad to know I’m not the only one who find’s the hubby on Medium to be hot. Sure, that was a corny line, but it was so…sweet.

    It’s probably one of the only shows on televison where the characters are (mostly) emotionally healthy…good god, an evening of Desperate Housewives is all about missing boundaries run amuck.

  • MissDirected

    2006/05/10 at 11:54 am

    It makes me a little sad that after the very first part of that quote I knew what show it’s from.

  • susan @ yow

    2006/05/10 at 12:09 pm

    With wisdom comes with an enlarged prostate. For men anyway.

  • Lenski

    2006/05/10 at 10:23 am

    I love this website… it is officially my life line!

    There was a man named Jon
    Who had claimed the biggest Schlong
    Does this prove his wisdom is strong?
    Some may think he is wrong

    Heather?

    L x

  • Rae

    2006/05/10 at 11:06 am

    My family and I groaned collectively when we saw that episode of Medium. I’ve never seen them be so cheesy before. Thankfully, the episode following with Kelsey Grammar redeemed them quite nicely.

  • Thérèse

    2006/05/10 at 11:06 am

    He’s right, of course. You know. *shrug*

  • rivetergirl

    2006/05/10 at 11:46 am

    Yeah, they’re like trees … wiser they become the more girth the accumulate. And if you cut it off you can see the rings.

  • Dana

    2006/05/10 at 10:22 am

    Based on John’s reasong, I’m afraid I’ve slept with some really stupid men. But I knew that already.

  • kcbelles

    2006/05/10 at 10:22 am

    Quote: “Really?” says Jon. “Because I happen to know that with wisdom comes a really big schlong.”

    Well, now, what about wise Lesbians? We have no use for a schlong, big or otherwise. I vote for the knockers, ta-tas, whatever you want to call ’em. Ta-tas – cute; haven’t heard that one before. I’ll have to home and try that out tonight: “Hi, Honey – your ta-tas look extremely perky today!” I just know the look I’m gonna get… lol

    Rock on, you two – love both your sites!

  • Donny

    2006/05/10 at 10:02 am

    I’ve been told Colin Farrell, by this logic, is a very wise man. My fiancee can’t wait to see the movie where they cut out the evidence of his “wisdom”. Apparently that wisdom will be shown on the DVD release.

    On that day, my stupidity will be revealed I do believe.

  • gypsy

    2006/05/10 at 10:05 am

    With THREE Wise Men (Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jose Cuervo) comes a vicious hangover.

  • katehopeeden

    2006/05/10 at 9:58 am

    I can’t seem to shake this mental picture of Edward Norton vacuuming in a loin cloth toss grapes and waving a palm frond with his junk.
    My entire thought process for the day is shot, tyvm.
    lol
    But as far as comments go, Charlie should get an award.
    ~K

  • Amanda B.

    2006/05/10 at 8:16 am

    Yeah, that’s gay. And not in the good way.

    Your daily pictures are kicking much ass. Amazing.

  • Charlie

    2006/05/10 at 8:36 am

    There once was a man on some show
    Who wanted his “wisdom” to grow.
    Is it experience that grants
    A bulge in ones pants?
    Because enquiring minds want to know.

  • fred

    2006/05/10 at 3:38 am

    could i trade the schlong for having a really fast car?

  • minxlj

    2006/05/10 at 4:12 am

    With wisdom comes the irony that, however wise you are, you’d still trade that wisdom for a big schlong…

  • Chench

    2006/05/10 at 4:47 am

    Hilarious!
    Velma, dont forget ear hair. 🙂

  • Brad Martin

    2006/05/10 at 5:18 am

    Now I know why I paid so much for a college education.

  • brandy

    2006/05/10 at 5:27 am

    Theres an opening on Gilmour Girls for some writers…I think you could get those ratings up!

    My mom always told me with wisdom comes the good weed.

  • Mack'sMom

    2006/05/10 at 6:21 am

    Heather! Who knew your readers were so willing to open up on their perverse thoughts!!!

  • aslage

    2006/05/10 at 7:25 am

    i know the show you are referring to, and i agree that it was kinda lame, but the hubby is hot so i forgave him.

  • kerry

    2006/05/10 at 7:44 am

    oh thank god! i kept wondering why that sounded so familiar. it’s only from one of my fave shows.

    but, yeah, it was a “groan!”

  • the kim half of glamorouse

    2006/05/10 at 3:12 am

    in my husband’s family there is the Berry fussing gene, or the berry schlong. My husband and cousin claim the schlong gene, while his brother has the fussing gene. We’ve produced three boys. There’s one with the fussing, one with the schlong and one too young to tell.

    I can’t believe I’ve just told you this.

    Just seeing the word schlong is universal I guess…

  • TripDaddyNJ

    2006/05/09 at 6:59 pm

    Jon’s right – big coccyx with the wisdom.

    Hey Vicky H: Isn’t an oxymoron someone who does not know how to use their acne medicine?

  • Tara Whitney

    2006/05/09 at 7:28 pm

    see, i have such a HUGE crush on that man that when he said that i smiled to myself and thought “damn i want to get in his pants.”

  • CartwheelsAtMidnight

    2006/05/09 at 7:28 pm

    That’s what they always say.

  • vegasandvenice

    2006/05/09 at 8:00 pm

    Okay wait a minute… I hope I am not the only one who figured you typed it wrong and he actually says “what cums with wisdom?” … “you.” As if to say that it takes some smart moves to get her off and hes got them.

    Oh sheesh … I think I might be the only one!

  • timothyjlambert

    2006/05/09 at 8:13 pm

    I was going to say, “Kevin Federline,” but then I thought, “No. That can’t be right.”

  • karyhead

    2006/05/09 at 8:15 pm

    I’ve been reading this site for a while and it’s about time I left a comment. It has just the right amount of touching, personal moments and spit-take, keyboard-ruining moments. I LOVE IT.

    Ha. That almost reads as comment spam.

  • doog

    2006/05/09 at 8:59 pm

    STAND BACK! I CAN’T CONTROL IT!!!!!!!

    SORRY ABOUT THE DRAPES HON!!!

  • La Dolce Lissa

    2006/05/09 at 10:14 pm

    LOL

  • Shalini

    2006/05/09 at 6:45 pm

    With wisdom comes a vasectomy. HAHA.. hehe sorry.. I think it’s kinda true.

  • Beverlee

    2006/05/09 at 6:21 pm

    Wisdom … just about when you have it all figured out, you die. Sigh. I wish that with wisdom came new energy!

  • Vicky H.

    2006/05/09 at 6:22 pm

    Schlong and wisdom…that’s the funniest oxymoron I’ve heard yet!

  • noshowmo

    2006/05/09 at 6:32 pm

    Wisdom only comes after such age that poor enough eyesight makes two and a half inches look like seven.

    So yes, I guess you could say really big schlong.

  • The Mighty Jimbo

    2006/05/09 at 5:56 pm

    there’s an orgasm joke in there somewhere but i’m totally above making it.

  • Meepers

    2006/05/09 at 6:07 pm

    Mighty Jimbo – you might be BEYOND making that joke… but I’m certainly not. With wisdom comes the certainty that no matter how big the schlong is, you’ll never be able to train it to multi-task, fetch the newspaper, or rub your back properly.

  • Eight Hour Lunch

    2006/05/09 at 4:04 pm

    Damn. I saw a *reeeealy* smart horse the other day, then.

    I’m sorry, Jon’s got it all messed up. Any schmuck can have a big schlong. Knowing how to use it–now *that’s* where the wisdom comes in.

  • wendy

    2006/05/09 at 4:08 pm

    I’ve been asking, “Where’s the T-shirts?” You could do all the mastheads. I want “Not your average clenched-cheek sprint to the bathroom” or maybe a nice picture of Chuck. Wendy.

  • CurrtDawg

    2006/05/09 at 4:18 pm

    So, exactly how “wise” is John?

  • Carli

    2006/05/09 at 5:12 pm

    I was so shocked when I watched that episode of “Medium”! I even said to my husband that NBC is getting pretty racy these days. Next up: Pornucopia – down in the Valley with the cast of Law and Order.

  • Bill

    2006/05/09 at 5:40 pm

    As a man with great wisdom, great wisdom indeed, I can vouch that with great wisdom comes a giant schlong, along with an irresistible urge to hibernate.

    So…sleeeepy…zzzzzzzzz.

  • BigA

    2006/05/09 at 3:45 pm

    Maybe it comes with really great shlong hair.

  • bew

    2006/05/09 at 3:53 pm

    Haha.

  • Nifle

    2006/05/09 at 3:57 pm

    Comes….ummmm…..damn, I’m drunk (Yes, it’s only 6:56 pm CST for you clock watchers). But, I still found it funny! I LOVE DOOCE!

  • AndreaBT

    2006/05/09 at 3:15 pm

    Ah, the differing priorities of men and women…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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