An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Wise men

A man on the television is lying in bed with his wife recounting the day he had at work. “I told my coworker not to worry,” he says, “because with age comes experience. And with experience comes wisdom.”

“What comes with wisdom?” his wife asks him. And both Jon and I let out an exaggerated moan when the man says, “You!”

“That’s so lame,” I say. “I was hoping that with wisdom comes great hair.”

“Really?” says Jon. “Because I happen to know that with wisdom comes a really big schlong.”

  • edward norton’s penis waves a frond because it is like a monkey’s tail, duh.

    a penis with an opposable thumb is not cool or full of wisdom, that’s just freaky.

  • I adore the comments you get. Right now I would go with wisdom coming with the intelligence to not read your comments while drinking soda.

  • big schlong? lame.

  • all hail to the wise man!

  • Aw crap. I don’t want a huge schlong. I guess I have to avoid wisdom at all costs.

  • momma 2 angels

    Prince Charming! I love how a schlong makes itself heard.

  • Tarin

    I’m with Strizz…multiple orgasms and a maid.

  • Gia on Guam

    Jon Deal,

    I was thinking more like a penis with foreskin that grips.

    Folks, not only should wisdom come with a big schlong, it should also come with the ability to use it well…that and a never tiring tongue.

  • Gia wins!!!

  • I thought the punchline would have something to do with the “comes with” part. Oh well. The schlong thing is very, very funny.

  • Apparently Jon got the same email I did detailing how W!zzD*m M@ke Y#o B!gg$st PEYN!S!

    Glad to see he put it to good use.

  • Why can’t wisdom come with some big ta-ta’s? I could use some big ta-ta’s, and I think I am pretty wise. Dammit.

  • mm

    I know everyone else in my office thinks I am crazy! I laughed out loud at Heather’s post, but each comment had me laughing harder and harder. Funny stuff!

  • Pink*Kittens

    *Uncontrollable laughter*

    Brilliant post, Heather. Made me laugh for quite some time. I am hysterically tired, though, might have something to do with my reaction.
    Either way, thanks for making me laugh.

    With wisdom comes false teeth.

  • Velma

    Unfortunately, in my experience, wisdom comes with nose hair.

  • Mack’sMom

    things you can do with faulse teeth…..

  • jes

    What was the commercial for? Something Mormon, I think.

    With wisdom comes sweaty goat balls.

  • Mack’sMom

    “With Wisdom Comes Sweaty Goat Balls!”

    There’s a T-shirt I’d be proud to wear!!!

    Heather, you could really pay off the sewer re-build with that one!

  • RzDrms

    …with experience comes wisdom, with wisdom comes a really big schlong, and a really big schlong just plain comes.

  • Mack’sMom

    RzDrms….you made me a little flushed with that one!

  • MegsNP

    I think with wisdom comes a hangover…

  • I should never read previous comments before typing.

    After reading “comes” umpteen times, adding a “hummingbird” in there – and throwing in the “schlong dance,” I’m afraid I’ve completely lost my train of thought…which was NOT naughty. And now is depraved.

    Okay, start over: “A man on television is lying in bed with his wife…”

    Nope…I’m screwed.

  • Thanks to Shana Bannana I now have an uncomfortable image of a penis and palm frond rooting around in my tiny brain.

    Is the palm frond attached in some way? Like with twine or staples? Or does Edward Norton’s magical schlong have the native ability to grasp objects? Like a penis with an opposable thumb.

  • mamamiacanuck

    OMG, I am killing myself laughing over these comments!

    Mental note, folks: if wisdom comes with a big schlong, does that explain why guys are mostly clueless? 😉

  • Ohsalita

    You and Jon should write dialogue for TV shows. For HBO though, where you can say “schlong”.

  • Shana Banana

    I wish for just once, with wisdom comes Edward Norton in a loin cloth, vaccuming with one hand while he feeds me grapes with the other. Maybe he has a cool penis that can hold a palm frond to fan me with…. All of those useless years of college would really pay off then. 🙂

  • That wise woman must be really uncomfortable.

  • Mack’sMom

    With wisdom comes responsibililty; with responsibility comes too many damn things to do in a day….then you’re tired and have no need for big knockers nor a massive schlong.

    Don’t tell my husband that though…he seems to think that just because you’ve been running all day you should still be up for a little schlong dance.

    What was life like before Wisdom?

    A whole lot of fun!!!

  • Nay, I say.

    Wisdom does not come with a really big schlong.

    What it does give, however, is the ability to make it FEEL like it’s really big.

  • I had a brilliant comment but after I misread #6, I kept envisioning a boatload of chocolate hummingbirds and the wisdom they provided.

  • Bird Lover

    It’s true, wisdom does come with a big schlong. If only in the mind of the person who acquired the wisdom. Perception is reality after all.

  • I’m with Jessica… knockers.

  • MelanieB78

    The show was Medium.

  • I want to be a wise man! 🙂

  • Dammit, what show was that? That is going to keep me up tonight.

  • Why can’t wisdom come with multiple orgasms and a maid?

  • JessicaP

    I thought with wisdom came big knockers?

  • I didn’t groan when I heard this, I got confused. Of course I’m often mesmerized by his beautiful hair…Oh broke Tim Roth (Jake Weber), how I love you!

  • blazingkate

    I was hoping wisdom came with a boatload of chocolate and the metabolism of a hummingbird.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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