Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

My boss gave me the day off

My next piece about The Biggest Movie Star in the World™ is up at Alpha Mom:

“But I haven’t ever been interested in the man behind the actor either, because to me he hasn’t ever been human. I haven’t ever wanted him to be human because as the central figure of my pre-adolescent sexual awakening I’ve always wanted him to be an untouchable wax figure, something that can’t be hurt or show weakness or wake up in the morning with bad breath.”

Also, we’re spending our holiday weekend with Leah Pipe Cleaner Peah, she who discovered uranium and can accurately paper mache a miniature replica of the Mormon Tabernacle. Already she has offered to show me how to use the sewing machine that has been sitting unused in my basement for over a year.

Leah: “What brand is your machine?”

Me: “I don’t know, I’ve never opened it.”

Leah: “…” Blinks uncontrollably.

Me: “I don’t know how to open it.”

Leah: “It’s going to be a long weekend.”

Me: “Which is why I started drinking an hour ago.”

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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