Heater, Mother of Lance

Credit where credit is due

“Did you work out while you were pregnant?”

“Yeah. I signed up for a gym membership and used the elliptical trainer three times a week.”

“Do you think it made a difference?”

“For sure. It helped during labor when I was in good enough shape to push her out. They also give this test on babies to determine their amount of jaundice, and her doctor said he had never seen a baby with better results. I don’t know if the fact that I worked out had anything to do with that, but I like to delude myself into thinking that it did.”

“So essentially, you scored perfect on the jaundice test.”


“You were the valedictorian of the jaundice test.”

“What? Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, you should be very, very proud.”

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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