An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

If I had a cell phone, I would make this my ringtone

Three nights ago someone called Jon’s cell phone at 2:21 AM and left a strange message that was just too precious to delete. So we encoded it into an MP3, and now I’m posting it here. For the future generations of Earth.

This message needs no explanation, although I should point out that it represents the exact opposite experience that I had in college. And that when I heard it for the first time I felt extremely bitter about that fact. And that I’m pretty sure that when this person left this message he had someone else’s underwear on his head.

And that if he had instead called the house at that hour I would have jumped into the car while still wearing my green floral polyester pajamas, driven to his house, and beaten him over the ears with a rolling pin.

Click here to listen to the message from Jon’s mysterious gay lover.

  • aww, that’s such a cute lil drunk dial! i want to give that guy a hug. 🙂

  • Drunk dials are fun, but I was hoping for some seriously flirty message…

  • Back in the day, I was very bad about feeling the need to call everyone I knew to let them know that I was drunk. And that I loved them. And not just because I was drunk. But because I loved them.

    I had a strange text message from someone who was obviously upset that someone with a similar number to mine was repeatedly asking her out. She was engaged and VERY HAPPY. I sent back that I was happy for her and had no idea what the heck she was talking about. Sometimes I wonder if my phone has a mind of it’s own.

    (And I love the new masthead–that is definitely a favorite picture of Chuck.)

  • Re: Leta’s Black Chuck Taylors

    Isn’t someone missing hers Black Chuck Taylors since BlogHer? (Fussy? Fluid Pudding?) I forget who it was, but I think we all know where they went…

    Shameful, Heather.

  • I remember! It was Amalah! I am so telling.

  • Michael

    I hate to speak hastily and without absolutely convincing evidence, but I will guess that the guy was drunk.

  • Four year old Wacky Boy is loving the picture of Chuck-Chuck Bo-Buck in the scarf.

  • Before driving over with your rolling pin? Stopping first to put your hair up into pink foam curlers would really complete the look.

  • Oh, I’m so embarrassed. If I knew you were going to out me publicly, I wouldn’t have done it.

    So now you all know…


  • My husband told me about a message someone left on his answering machine that went on and on until the machine cut them off. All they said was “Smelly dog. Smeeeeeeeelly dog. Smellydog” in every possible way to say it.

  • Michykeen

    My friend Steve got a drunk voicemail the other week that contained such gems as:

    “My nipples are hard … like math.”


    “Do you like candelabras? I like soccer. I especially like Brazil because they only go by one name – like Madonna. Or Cher.”

    and my personal favorite …

    “I have to go. I think I have the consumption.”

  • Cori

    For a while in college, I kept getting wrong numbers and drunken phone called from people I didn’t know. The strange thing was that they all asked for the same person, Josh. I finally figured out that his number was one number off mine. I called him and we laughed about all the times people would call him and mean to call me and vice versa. We actually talked quite frequently and ended up dating. It didn’t work out, but I still remember his number! ; )

  • Drinking and emailing/texting is the new drink & dial. I got plastered last year and emailed everyone I know a horribly misspelled, incoherent letter attempting to wish everyone happy holidays. Man, that was funny…yet embarassing.

  • I love when drunk people (myself included, on occasion) have to tell other people that they are drunk. Like, it’s a big secret and they are letting you in on it.
    “Just letting you know that I am DRUNK.”
    Oh really, well, the fact that you can barely speak didn’t tip me off earlier, so thank you so much for clarifying.

  • Oh! And I’m with Jennifer in Ohio. Took me 6 years to get that 4-year degree. I call those extra 2 years my “social education.”

  • Judy

    There is still nothing as priceless as my friend Megan leaving Tim Wilson’s Booty Song on my voicemail. The worst part is that she didn’t fess up to it until a few days later…after I’d already interrogated most of my friends!

  • JC

    ha ha. i’ve gotten voicemail messages almost identical to that one. good times.

  • Gecka

    Exactly, what BYU wasn’t. That’s why I call it my 5 year coma. And now make up for lost time by drinking beer and playing in a kickball league. Oooo and experimenting with martinis, current creation: Starbucks Moca-tini. Now I just have to figure a way to smoke while drinking it and having premarital sex with my live in boyfriend.

    Suck on that D&C 89.

  • I can’t ever send my children to college now. Their future’s are ruined.

  • Very nice! You can use that message to tease him for a solid 6 months at least.
    Makes me wish I saved some of the drunk messages my Ex used to leave me in college. The ones about bologna sandwhiches and how he wanted ice cream during his drunken rage and he was going to come over and bring me some zzzzzzz. What a nice compilation that would make…oh well!

  • These are always so much fun. I once received a call from someone on their first mushroom trip — very detailed descriptions of what color sounds like and lots of heavy breathing.

  • Amber

    I thought he said ‘reindeer’ at the end!

    I once received a wrong-number voicemail explaining, in great TMI detail, why the woman leaving it would not be at work that day. Sounded like she had food poisoning.

    Also had an experience similar to Padge. ‘Ernie, the guy with the Maxima,’ was trying to reach the former resident of my room, whose first name was the same as mine, and when he finally caught me (after leaving many messages), he wanted to meet me anyway, because “you can’t just meet people on the street,” though I guess it’s fine to meet them by calling the wrong number. And, by his own admission, he DID meet this girl on the street.

    I passed.

  • That is the wonderful thing about inebriation … the willingness to share it with the world, one call at a time.

  • Too bad you can’t ring this guy back at 2AM, and see what’s up this weekend…or can you? If you can, you should, and you MUST share!!

    Maybe one of DORJ’s! silly friends?

    A drunk boy once rambled on my answering machine after meeting me at a college frat party – he called three times (after 2:30AM), and went on for over an hour (back in the day when machines had tapes in them). I still have the tape. Fond college memories.

  • littlefirecrackr

    I guess I am just mean, when I get a wrong number, I lower my voice to a sad wisper and say “I’m sorry, ____ died.” and then I hang up and laugh!

  • Padge

    Yet another reason I really shouldn’t be reading your blogs at work! I sit in an open office and it’s hard to explain to my neighbors that the program roll-out schedules I’m reviewing are so funny they make coke shoot out my nose.

    Love the phone message! I had one call me one time in about the same state, and instead of hanging up when he realized he had the wrong number, he proceeded to try to “get to know me a little better” (his words).

  • kendall

    that is so GEORGE!


  • MadKat

    Classic! New reader here and I am LOVING it all!

  • Lee

    Wow. Where does Jon find the time to meet quality people like that?

  • kierewalker

    Uh-oh. Looks like GEORGE!’s good name is getting besmirched.

    I saved an old drunk-dial message from a couple of guys I went to high school with discussing the finer points of vodka and the “Rascal” line of motorized scooters. The day after I deleted it, I was flipping through channels and saw one of them started working on “As the World Turns”.

    There’s a lesson in there somewhere about extortion and timing, but I’m not sure what it is.

  • OneBabyMama

    Wow. That was priceless! I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s GEORGE! too. 😉

    I *wish* I could toss my cell phone in the trash. But, like practically everyone on the planet (except for you and my best friend) I can’t remember what the hell I DID without it before.
    I hang my head in shame.

  • Hilarious. This is exactly why I always take the phones away from friends who are drunk, and demand that they take my phone away from me when I’m drunk.

  • I once saw Courtney Cox on the Tonight Show (I’m not a proud man) and in the interview, she suggested installing breathalizers on phones and computer keyboards to prevent drunk dialing and emailing.

    I think she was OK with drunk driving, though.

  • Mandy


    I’ve been reading your musings for a while now…great stuff! I have pissed myself laughing (sometimes out loud) on many occasions at your observations and the way you relate them and have even welled up a bit when you talk about Leta (I have a two year old son Pascal).

    Now on to the topic. Does anyone else think the guy sounds Australian? (I’m Australian, by the way)
    The ‘later’ at the end sounds American but kind of put on…

  • veg4me

    We were on our first date since becoming parents. We were nervous wrecks, leaving our child behind with the babysitter just so we could see a movie. We left her our cell phone numbers and she assured us she wouldn’t need to call.

    Halfway through the movie my husbands cell phone buzzed. He grabbed it and ran out to the lobby.


    That’s when a drunk Middle Eastern man starting yammering on and on. My husband was so confused. His brain just couldn’t wrap itself around the fact that this was NOT the babysitter calling.

    “I can’t understand you! Slow Down! Where’s the babysitter?!”

    Yeah, wrong numbers sure are entertaining.

  • jonnie? that’s hilarious. also, i totally agree with #2 🙂

  • Eh… While tipsy, I once put up a picture of a Coors Light can riding a maxi pad. Think I’m joking? Ha!

    I guess I’m living in a big old glass house now.

  • For some reason, this is the voice I always imagine coming out of George…

  • He sounds like he’s definitely wearing his own underwear on his head. I love the new banner. Chuck looks like a Babushka, like if you were to make fun of his bandana he’d give you THE EYE and you’d wake up with warts all over your body.

  • hahah. That was awesome. I recognize that voice! I got a similar call saturday night. Only I was drunk too. At least my voice didn’t end up on the internet. 🙂

  • Call ’em back and leave ’em a message “We roll mad deep, yo!”

    But, you know, George probably has a hangover this morning….

  • why have we seen no photodocumentation of the “ugly plastic dolls”?

  • CSL

    I once got a message on my answering machine that went: “Theresa? I been tryin’ to reach you all day….but this must be a wrong number ’cause you ain’t got no answerin’ machine.” I played it for everyone I knew.

  • Jilly Willy

    That was too funny.
    I noticed under your taking pictures heading it no longer says with my Nikon D70, just wondering what happened to the camera?
    Oh and Leta is adorable as always.

  • PTA1Queen

    WAIT…You don’t have a cell phone?

  • Wow, that guy is such a tool.

  • You know this is why cell phones were really invented, right? Now you can call someone at all hours of the night guilt-free, and you’re not to blame if they didn’t turn off their phone and thought that maybe someone had died or something.

    I am nearly 40, but my husband and I still get drunk dialed by our friends on the other coast from time to time. In fact, it happens just often enough that on New Year’s Eve 2003, when I was home alone for the holiday and pregnant, someone attempted to prank call me at midnight. Unfortunately for them, I thought it was a friend of mine, and I played along until they got confused and hung up. Only then did I figure out my mistake. Sorry kids. Prank call me again, and I’ll pretend to be totally freaked out. I promise.

  • You’re from the south. I’m sure there are future drunk dials to a 20-something Leta from her 50-something mom. Redneck genetics run strong.

  • it sounded like a bunch of babbling then and very happy and pround voice says, “hi jonny! i’m drunk! just calling to say hi! ummm… later!”

  • um, sorry that was a lot of typos .. had a kid jumping on me.


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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