the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Barfwatch 2007

“I think she’s starting to feel better.”

“Why? What makes you say that?”

“I tried to cuddle with her and she rejected me.”

“Did she push you away?”

“I think the exact words she used were STOP IT.”

“Did you make her say it nicely?”

“Yes, I told her that I would stop showing her affection when she said STOP IT, please.”

“Let me guess, she said please in the same tone she would have said OR ELSE MY JAW MIGHT SNAP OPEN AND RIP OFF YOUR FACE.”

“Imagine that.”

“Yeah, I’d say she definitely feels better.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m looking forward to the next time she licks the floor in a public restroom.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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