the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Don’t knock my hobbies

I’m in the kitchen slicing a green pepper to put into a pot of pasta sauce when I hear Brian Williams on NBC Nightly News say something about how, in the next half-hour, Brad Pitt will be walking Ann Curry through his new green architecture project in New Orleans. I holler into the living room, “PAUSE IT!” Because I am very interested in architecture. Yes, that’s right. Architecture. And certain people who could be talking about it while topless.

Jon lets out a heavy, black moan. “He didn’t say that Brad Pitt was going to show Ann Curry his testicles.”

“Does that mean I should be disappointed?” I ask.

He clarifies, “I’m just saying.”

“Because that’s what women sit around and talk about? Are you serious?”



“That’s what you were hoping for, no?

“It’s like, right after I tell my friends where I got my new shoes on sale, I’m all, AND THEN HE SHOWED ME HIS TESTICLES, AND IT WAS SO HOT.”

“I knew women were gross.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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