the smell of my desperation has become a stench


I take my first bite of a tri-tip steak that Jon has just finished grilling, and the sensation is not unlike swallowing the entire Pacific Ocean.

“What did you put on these steaks?” I ask, barely able to move my swollen tongue.

“Why? Is it okay?”

“It’s just…”

“Let’s see… salt. And… pepper. And… seasoning salt. That’s it.”

“You used salt and seasoning salt?”

“Are you not supposed to use the two together?”

“One might think that the salt in the seasoning salt would diminish the need for the regular salt.”

“There’s salt in seasoning salt?”

“I’m afraid that’s how it got its name.”

“I did not know this.”

“It’s something I learned years ago, this thing called reading.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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