the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Glass bird ornament

This year the colors on our Christmas tree are orange, red, purple and gold, and most of the ornaments are those little plastic or glass balls that you can get at the dollar store for about ten cents apiece. Some we’ve had since the first year we started dating, but this year I wanted to upgrade a little and found these tiny glass birds at a local place called Tai Pan Trading, a warehouse full of crafty, rustic paraphernalia that is a Mormon housewife’s WET DREAM. They’ve also got this enormous selection of plastic flowers that I find simultaneously repulsive and irresistible, like I know they are fake and will require dusting, and I might as well just go ahead and start keeping empty, spreadable butter containers underneath my bed, JUST IN CASE I NEED THEM, but they look real enough, so much that you would not know they were plastic if you saw them sitting there in a vase on my mantel, so looks like THE JOKE IS ON YOU.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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