An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Book signing in SLC, plus cute dogs

We have finally nailed down all the details surrounding my book signing in Salt Lake City next week:

The King’s English Bookshop
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT

Thursday June 5th
Starts at 7pm

Word on the street is that the Avon World Sales Leader is going to be there, and I can guarantee that a two minute conversation with her WILL EXPLAIN SO MUCH. Not sure you’ll recognize her? She’s the one over there with The Perfect Hair. And All That Jewelry. Waving Her Middle Finger At Me.

Also, some of you are still wondering whether or not it’s okay to send me your copy of the book to sign, and yes, absolutely, send them to the address on my contact page and please include return postage. I’m sending off a huge batch this weekend, so if you’ve sent me one in the last week or two, DO NOT FEAR! I have not stolen it and added it to my eBay store. And no, I don’t really have an eBay store, but now that I think about it I wonder how much I could get for a shit-eating puppy. HAHA. JUST KIDDING. I WOULD ONLY SELL COCO ON ETSY.

For those of you who could not care less about the book signing or the book in general, I recorded the daily dog feeding ritual that never fails to crack me up. We have both dogs wait for a signal to eat, and you’ll see here that Coco does not trust that the food will remain sitting where we put it. She keeps checking to make sure it’s still there. And Chuck? Not once does he take his eyes off Jon. His stillness is almost eerie, although I do appreciate it because he makes us look like we are responsible for his good behavior when in reality he is just doing us a favor.

  • When will you write something to share your dog training tips?

  • Your singing voice sounds *very* similar to the voice of Liz Fair. I’m a huge of fan of you both, would love to hear you do a cover of one of her songs – I bet you and Jon could record something in GarageBand and it would be awesome!!

  • LOL!!! That is too freakin funny!!!!

  • Shelly

    WOW.. Do you have her trained well.. My mom has a Collie and we cannot get him to stay to save our life! He picked up give me your paw pretty quick.. but stay..never!

  • LOVE the video. What different personalities! 🙂

    Will have to send my book up there now that I know the opportunity still exists.

  • I won’t be able to make it to the book signing, but would love to see the two minutes of you and the Avon Lady!

    Coco looks like maybe someone has stolen her food before and she’s going to make damn sure it doesn’t happen again. Must keep eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize!

  • Honestly. How in the hell does Chuck stand it there?!!!??? That is one amazing dawg.

  • Kimberly

    You seriously know how to make my day! I love your dogs…even the poop eater.

  • Our dogs do the same thing that Coco does. They are very worried that the food is going to disappear if they don’t watch it.

    I have to say I am so very impressed with Chuck’s aloofness towards food–as though he is say “Oh Food…I guess I might eat that.”

  • valaweinie

    so what do you say that allows them to eat? does coco rush her bowl while chuck saunters to his? it’s like i missed the ending. 🙁
    otherwise adorable 🙂

  • What on EARTH is being said in the video?? I can’t decipher it and it’s driving me batty!

  • Sorry, Liz Phair – I was asleep at the switch. And for those not familiar with Liz Phair, check her out on the iTunes store or the samples on Amazon – she really is under-appreciated, and I think a lot of Dooce’s audience would dig her tunes.

  • HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE? Because I’ve got three boys + a husband who could really use a lesson in discipline, especially when it comes to waiting patiently for dinner.

  • Samantha, my money says that we hear Dooce say “Head nod.. aaaaand head nod….”

  • Nice work Coco! She has come far…from the “craziest wailing right out of the kennel excitement” I have ever seen! It can only get better!

  • dooce

    I’m saying, “Head nod… AAAAAND… head nod…”

    Second the Liz Phair recommendation.

  • So someone can actually really sell Avon? She must be a robot.

    I would do similar things with my dog when she was younger and could still hear me. I’d set her treat down on the floor and do a dance all the while she wiggled in her pants waiting for me to yell, “GO!”

  • Sus

    DUDE! I am so there. I may even put on some pants.

  • Brook

    @Samantha: it’s “aaaaaaaaaaand headnod… aaaaaaaaaaand headnod,” etc.

    adorable little shit-eater you’ve got there.

  • I am in awe… Our beagles can’t even sit to get their water bowl filled.

  • Denise

    After all that…we don’t even get to see them scramble towards their respective food bowls???? Ug….I now feel just like I do when I think I’m going to sneeze…but don’t!!!


  • J. Bo

    I’ve watched this three times, and I’m still snorting with laughter over here…

  • Chuck is amazing. And Coco is far more like my awful dogs…they chomp at the bit to get to their food. But she really is making progress. Hope the poop eating ends soon!

  • jayrose

    i’m just wondering – how with 2 dogs your floors seem so dog-hair-free. how is that possible woman? and of course the video is adorable. i have 1 yr yellow lab, who decided to follow a runner, who was not too happy about it, around the track this morning, further showcasing my lack of training and/or sleep at 6:30am. either or both.

  • Lisa

    Okay…does Chuck ever even blink?

  • Kim

    They are both adorable, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Chuck – he is such a handsome boy, and his dignity is admirable!

  • Bec

    I am sooooo jealous! I can’t even get my dog (a Boston terrier named Buster Nova) to shake or lay down! He will sit and thats it! Can I send him to you for a few weeks? Pleaseeeee?! I swear, you will like him… he doesn’t wag his tail, he wags his entire back end 🙂 Lemme know when I can drop him off!

  • “Annnnnnnd head nod.”

    This kills me. I am tempted once more to get a shit-eating puppy of mine very own.

  • AAWWW. I want to see them actually EAT! You left me hanging.

  • I think you saying “aaaaaaand head nod!” is almost as entertaining as the head nod itself 🙂

  • Maiken H.

    Even though I know the signing is in the evening I am still taking the day off work. I may just camp out in front with a chair and a cooler. I cannot wait to be there- it’s three days before my birthday and I think it’s the best unintentional gift out of ANY year I’ve been alive!!! Lord, I am going to pee my pants. I better bring an extra pair for right after I see you. 😉

  • Can I send you books by other people and you sign those, too? That would be cool. I think I still have a collection of Mormon propaganda…including that beauty queen diatribe…maybe you could write obscenities in them?

    OMG…the “…head nod” commentary was crackin’ me UP! And poor Chuck, just licked his lips….waiting….waiting…he’s such a good puppy.

    LOVE IT!

  • meowsk

    Very excited to meet you at the book signing! Those dogs are both so cute and Chuck is the most patient animal I have ever seen.

  • Chuck has great attention for you. We all know what Cesar would say!

  • Can I send you my kids? *Smile*

  • CarolM

    Bummer – I can’t watch the video at work 🙁

    I loved your book – our local independent bookseller kindly ordered a copy for me! Would you consider signing bookplates? That would be much cheaper and we could include self-addressed, stamped envolopes for the return post. Just so you know, this isn’t by any stretch an original idea – Diana Gabaldon, one of my other favorite writers, does this for her fans.

    Thanks bunches,

  • Dude, Chuck is unreal. No seriously, as the owner of an adorable 8-mo old mutt puppy, I know he cannot be real.

    Coco, on the other hand, was made for my Riley. They need to make cute cute babies. (Too bad they both probably can’t…)

  • Please have Chuck rub off on my Hana (and not in the Biblical sense).

  • Alli

    That is so cute!!! When do we get to see them go after the food once they are given the signal? I was waiting for that as the finale! 🙂

  • Jill

    Man. I really wanted to see the end.

  • HDC

    Border Collies are all neurotic. My mom’s, a short haired named Toby, is absolutely mental. If you deviate from his walk route at all he gets really distressed. And when he’s bored he pounces up and down with his front paws on the slight wobbly stepping stones in their backyard. He also enjoys biting water. It has to be seen to be understood. It’s stunning how much Coco reminds me of him.

  • Yes funny, but YOU ARE SOOOO MEAN. I hope someone puts a giant plate of something really yummy in front of you and then makes you sit and wait for the nod. No wonder Coco’s eating her shit, she’s hungry.

  • abrookfire

    Chuck is a great dog, but i’m watching Coco with interest, as we have a border collie, too. Norton is scary smart, like all border collies. when we go to work we ask him to check the wiring in the house to make sure it’s up to code. he looks at us with seriousness that only these dogs display (once over their insane puppyhood) and says, “check.” good as done. the house is safe.

  • Hollie

    Will your book tour expand?
    Charlotte, NC is great this time of year….

    Your pups are adorable!

  • Elizabeth

    What cuties you have. I loved the video!

  • amy

    hehehe. i was hoping you would show then going for the food once they got the ok.

  • i’ll be there! with snotty kids, but still. there.

  • Fabulous!! My dogs would have divebombed the food and then humped each other, damn dogs.

  • Anonymous

    Wow Chuck’s discipline is amazing! He reminds me of the stuffed dog, Rowdy, on Scrubs in that clip, he is that still.

  • Aw man, I thought were were going to get to see them eat at the end! I feel like I need to stay in the “sit” position, and I shouldn’t get up from my chair, lest I not get my treat.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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