An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Book signing in SLC, plus cute dogs

We have finally nailed down all the details surrounding my book signing in Salt Lake City next week:

The King’s English Bookshop
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT

Thursday June 5th
Starts at 7pm

Word on the street is that the Avon World Sales Leader is going to be there, and I can guarantee that a two minute conversation with her WILL EXPLAIN SO MUCH. Not sure you’ll recognize her? She’s the one over there with The Perfect Hair. And All That Jewelry. Waving Her Middle Finger At Me.

Also, some of you are still wondering whether or not it’s okay to send me your copy of the book to sign, and yes, absolutely, send them to the address on my contact page and please include return postage. I’m sending off a huge batch this weekend, so if you’ve sent me one in the last week or two, DO NOT FEAR! I have not stolen it and added it to my eBay store. And no, I don’t really have an eBay store, but now that I think about it I wonder how much I could get for a shit-eating puppy. HAHA. JUST KIDDING. I WOULD ONLY SELL COCO ON ETSY.

For those of you who could not care less about the book signing or the book in general, I recorded the daily dog feeding ritual that never fails to crack me up. We have both dogs wait for a signal to eat, and you’ll see here that Coco does not trust that the food will remain sitting where we put it. She keeps checking to make sure it’s still there. And Chuck? Not once does he take his eyes off Jon. His stillness is almost eerie, although I do appreciate it because he makes us look like we are responsible for his good behavior when in reality he is just doing us a favor.

  • Aside from that one ‘lickin’ his chops’ moment I thought for a second he might have died and then you stuffed him.

  • I am booking the first flight out of Sacramento to SLC. I’ve got to meet the Avon World Sales Leader. I’m nearly out of festive-looking chapsticks.

    Oh, and you’re book signing sounds like fun too.

  • jayrose – I have wondered the same thing, but was afraid the answer would be “umm…sweep it more than once a week” thus shattering my belief that that level of cleanliness is beyond my grasp.

    Adorable. I think if I could be guaranteed a dog like Chuck (you know without having to do all that training business), I would end up with a house full.

  • The cutest part is Chuck sneaking in a lick of his chops. Eeeeheheheheeee!

  • Did you ever tell them “Okay!” or are they still sitting there (Chuck, the rigid soldier and Coco, the head bobber) Please tell me they’ve finally eaten.

  • I love Chuck’s posture, how he has his back legs tucked under himself and his front legs set far apart. He’s like a skewed drawing of a dog or a little old man in a fur suit.

  • My 6 year old (generally quite bright) daughter just asked me if Chuck was a stuffed animal.
    Great movie, solid plot although I too felt unsatisfied with the ending, was left holding my breath, waiting for the word. Whatever the word is. What is the word??! When is the sequel-Permission Granted (working title) coming out?

  • Amy

    Thank you. Now I have “aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnndddddd headnod” stuck in my head.

  • I wish I lived anywhere near SLC so I could come to the book signing and let you “make fun” of my accent (many of us out here apparently missed the part about you making fun of Canada.)

    The video is hilarious…I can appreciate it b/c pretty close to the same ritual happens at our house every day as well.

  • Huh.. so that’s what dog training looks like. I wouldn’t know as my three dogs do whatever they please, whenever they please and wouldn’t know the concept of obedience if it bit them on the ass. No one in my family is trained or civilised, so I guess we shouldn’t expect the dogs to be either.

    I certainly am in awe of your superior training skills!

  • I don’t know HOW y’all do that!

  • Wow! Your “bad” dog is better trained than most dogs I’ve seen. I do feel like I missed the end, though. What’s the secret signal? Do the dogs get to eat? What a cliffhanger!

  • Hey – I’m a new reader…what book???? And why the hell isn’t it for sale on your shopping page? I’m intensly curious…may have to show up to the book signing just to find out what the book is lol!!!

  • Oh, Chuck is a good boy! and Coco is probably just wondering if you are going to put shit in his food and save him some time and trouble

  • You reminded me of that scene from Edward Scissorhands when Peg (Dianne Wiest rocking the mom role) has a special consult call with the Avon World Sales Rep about how to fix Edward’s ghostly complexion.

    Hope the book signing is fun

  • As my 12 year old daughter just put it…

    “Chuck looks creepy! He doesn’t even look like a real dog!”

  • Loves it! I am almost done with the book and will hopefully make it to the signing on June 5th. Have a great day!

  • Awesome! That’s hilarious.

  • tara

    omg good laugh for the afternoon.
    cute doggies.

  • Tina

    Okay, I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT, so the fact that your dogs are able to just wait there for a command is absolutely amazing. If you told me that I had to wait for a signal from some guy before I could eat my dinner, I just might eat my poo like Coco too.

    P.s. I love your site, and congrats on your book.

  • I will trade you one 18-lb black and white cat who pees anywhere not her litter box for one adorable shit-eating dog. For fun, I’ll also throw in a bottle of tequila to kill the pain.

  • DUDE… my dog would have totally been done eating like 9 hours ago and shit it out and ate it already. haha

  • Rose

    Wow! That video put a smile on my face. We have a 1 year old pup that eats poop. How can they stand it!!

  • Wow. The combination of the devotion and trust in Chuck’s eyes and the paranoid suspicion of Coco is way too cute. I bet dinner gets snarfed down real quick!

  • JulieP in MI

    I am not finding your contact page. What am I doing wrong?

  • We have our dog trained to wait for a signal before he eats, too. And he bobs his head, too. But I’ve always read that as “hey, food’s right here, come on, let’s go already,” not that he was checking to make sure the food wasn’t going anywhere. He’s much too smart for his own good, and I suspect he thinks (perhaps rightly) that he’s smarter than the rest of us.

  • Speaking of selling BABIES on Craigslist…seriously. Someone from Vancouver got busted for trying to sell his baby on Craigslist today. When the police showed up, he told them it was a joke. Can you believe that?

    But we all know selling Coco is really a joke. Honestly.

  • I wish I lived in Salt Lake to meet you! I also wish you could come to my house to train my mini-sheltie not to move – much like Chuck. Trade me, please?

  • mac

    sit boo boo sit. good dog.

  • Chuck is so regal you may soon have to start calling him Charles.

  • Now why can’t my kids be that obedient? Seriously? Do Chuck and Coco give lessons?

    We would love to have a book signing here in NH! I know, nothing like Vancouver or NYC…but beautiful nonetheless. AND we have some GREAT accents!

  • Except for the one nose-lick, Chuck looks like he’s been stuffed and stuck in the kitchen just to mock Coco. Such concentration!

  • That is the most amazing thing I’ve seen all day.

  • Jen

    OMG! That cracks me up! Is it wrong that I find harmlessly tormenting dogs (like in this video) funny???

  • Coco is trying to be a good dog, and has such a good dog friend who is a terribly good example.

  • Adorable and hilarious. It looks just the opposite in our house, where our Sheltie is Chuck-like in her stillness and our Lab-Beagle mutt head bobs and even sneaks in little scoots toward the food, just in case we are blinking at that particular second.

    LOVE the video and congrats on the book!

  • Meeting the Avon World Sales Leader might almost be worth flying to SLC for, oh and seeing you too. Not in this economy with these gas prices, but still, fun to think about.

  • OK, with regard to the comment about Coco having her food stolen before, went off in my noggin. Do you by chance know what her position was (rank, size) in the litter? I know with Lab puppies this affects the poop eating phenomenon. The smaller the pup the less they get and sometimes turn to the ever so foul habbit of “shit eating”. I have only had one pup that did this and was never broken of the habbit. A breeder told us that it is important to watch the feeding habbits early to make sure it does not happen. I know this is probly not helpful but maybe insightful. BTW my book is sitting here waiting to be mailed and I have threatened all who look like they want to crack the spine with disenbowelment. I WANT HEATHER TO CRACK IT OPEN AND BURP INTO MY BOOK!

  • TOO FUNNY! You guys are mean!

    I make my dogs wait, too, and it’s really amusing. Sometimes, one of my three gets a good drool going.

  • If you have any difficulty with your mom, just call me. I’m the Avon Whisperer.

  • Anonymous

    chuck is sitting there thinking, “this totally fucking sucks. stop bobbing your head.” that’s what he’s thinking.

  • Umm, what you got in that bowl of hers, maybe some shit stew? Too funny. Actually, that video sums up the difference between males and females perfectly. The bitch trusts no one, bless her little heart.

  • Cole

    Ha. We do this with our dog too. And he does great except he is more like Coco – he must be able to see his food. If you get in his way he’ll slide over until he can see it again, but he wont eat it until we release him. If you wait long enough he starts to drool. Dogs are so much fun.

  • WHAT!?! The video stops before the climactic food eating! I feel so dirty and unsatisfied.

  • I do the head nod before I’m given permission to eat too.

  • thefirecat

    I’m sensing an “aaaaand…..head nod” banner in our very near future, folks.

  • Wow. That was hilarious annnnnd…?………..(headnod)…………totally worth it.

  • Jen

    Sweet! The book signing is before my derby practice, so I don’t even have to make an extra trip down from Ogden!

    The dogs are adorable. We have a 2-year-old golden retriever who is food crazy, so we have him sit until we tell him “go ahead” and eat. And he will sit and do the super-intense stare.

    What really drives him nuts is that our 12-year-old chowder collie (chow/border collie) is not required to sit, so she just ambles up to her bowl and starts eating. And he almost starts shaking, he’s so upset that she is GETTING A HEAD START ON BREAKFAST!

  • Kyla

    For the feces-ingesting puppy, use Adolf’s meat tenderizer on her food. Four or five shakes on each meal for at least a week.

    Dr Kyla, your friendly, neighborhood, lesbian, veterinarian.

  • I travel in the US all the time and LOVE to giggle at y’alls accents – especially down in Texas and Arkansas! There is humor in difference, and it needs to be shared and enjoyed – not shunned!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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