An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Book signing in SLC, plus cute dogs

We have finally nailed down all the details surrounding my book signing in Salt Lake City next week:

The King’s English Bookshop
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT

Thursday June 5th
Starts at 7pm

Word on the street is that the Avon World Sales Leader is going to be there, and I can guarantee that a two minute conversation with her WILL EXPLAIN SO MUCH. Not sure you’ll recognize her? She’s the one over there with The Perfect Hair. And All That Jewelry. Waving Her Middle Finger At Me.

Also, some of you are still wondering whether or not it’s okay to send me your copy of the book to sign, and yes, absolutely, send them to the address on my contact page and please include return postage. I’m sending off a huge batch this weekend, so if you’ve sent me one in the last week or two, DO NOT FEAR! I have not stolen it and added it to my eBay store. And no, I don’t really have an eBay store, but now that I think about it I wonder how much I could get for a shit-eating puppy. HAHA. JUST KIDDING. I WOULD ONLY SELL COCO ON ETSY.

For those of you who could not care less about the book signing or the book in general, I recorded the daily dog feeding ritual that never fails to crack me up. We have both dogs wait for a signal to eat, and you’ll see here that Coco does not trust that the food will remain sitting where we put it. She keeps checking to make sure it’s still there. And Chuck? Not once does he take his eyes off Jon. His stillness is almost eerie, although I do appreciate it because he makes us look like we are responsible for his good behavior when in reality he is just doing us a favor.

  • heh. Cute!! I tried that for a while with my dog but I wasn’t consistent enough and, well, now she’s almost 15 and if I’m 4 seconds late with her dinner she barks at me. lol.

  • Liz

    Will you ask Chuck if he would like to marry me? If not, will he at least let me eat his fuzzy face?


  • Valerie

    Chuck’s stillness actually scares me. I can’t even sit that still and I’m a human grown-up.

  • Lauren

    u iz easily amused. lol. 🙂

  • Kathy In Georgia

    My Sam waits to eat. He does “down” and “freeze” while I put the bowl down. Then he leans forward a bit, then a bit further, so that when I say “all done” he can just fall face-first into his bowl.

    The girl? She starts gobbling kibble from the bowl before I get the thing on the floor.

  • I agree with the above, I feel cheated that I didn’t get to see them dive for the food.

    Also, Leta is cute and all but I want more Chuck.


    Sarcasm on the above statement. But I do want to see more Chuck.

  • Your dogs are awesome. I want them.

  • OMG… that is exactly how we feed our dogs, and one of them is just like Chuck, sits so still I just can’t believe it and the other is sitting, but always checking. Love the video! Coco is so cute!

    Any chance you’re headed to LA for a book signing anytime soon?

  • Talon

    Will you people quit saying she’s a border collie? How many times has Heather said she’s a minature Aussie Shepherd???


    Not my site obviously but I’m BAFFLED that people don’t know what breed Coco is if they read the site!!

  • Carolyn

    Aaack! I was so waiting for the “TAKE IT!” command…. The anticipation was killin’ me. Well done guys. I’m going to have to improve with my guys over here.

  • Chuck’s devotion is amazing, such trust!
    And I agree, I want video of you and your Mom!

  • Alaska Bean

    So I realized about 3 days ago that Chuck looks like Rowdy from the show Scrubs!!! Although Rowdy is a stuffed dog that the guys keep in their apartment as a pet….weird.

  • Elinda

    Chuck reminds me of the stuffed dog that J.D. (Zach Braff) carries around on “Scrubs.” I bet Rowdy and Chuck would get along just fine. They could have staring contests.

  • Elinda

    I totally did NOT read the comment above mine before posting this! I had been thinking Chuck looks like Rowdy since I first came across your site when looking up postpartum constipation cures. I have been addicted to your site since reading the post about your postpartum…ahem…problem.

  • No very trusting, is she? 😉

    How long can you/they keep that up? And do they bolt for the bowls the minute they get the signal? I need to see the rest. I need closure. I need more Chuck and Coco videos.

    And no, I don’t need to get out more. Honestly.

  • Jodie

    I love Chuck’s ability to stay still. Now it’s no longer a mystery how you balance things on his head. And Coco is just too funny. You need to do a video every week. We need one of the book signing, so that we can meet the AVON world sales leader.

  • I am getting in the line-up for your dog training tips – our new 13-week-old is a biting, peeing machine. He sort of half has stay so I am trying to get him to the point of your pups with feeding. Some day!. Til then, won’t you tell us how you did it?!

  • aaw I wish I could get over to the States for your book signing!!
    One day… I hope you’re still writing when I get there 🙂

    Any plans on visiting lil’ ol’ New Zealand? haha

  • your dogs are cracking me up! Is Chuck for real? He’s a little statue, seriously.

  • Chuck rocks. ‘Nuff said.

  • The Congressman is amazing!

    I thought Coco was funny, but she’s still in puppy mode. Chuck, on the other hand, just cracked me up. I kept waiting for him to move an inch, and he didn’t even glance at Coco.

    Such a sweetheart, that one. I’ve got a real soft spot for ol’ Chuckles.

  • I know the poop eating sucks, but those are seriously the two cutest dogs I have ever seen. Between them and Leta, you have so much cuteness in your house that I think you’re breaking some sort of monopoly law.

  • Dogs are ridiculous. Also smelly. But also fun. I sure wish they weren’t smelly. Just fun.

  • Lisa

    That is hilarious. Chuck is SCARY, LOL! Did he even blink?

  • Chuck looks petrified (as in a petrified forest, not as in scared/petrified).

  • Anonymous

    please tell me what the heck are you saying?????

  • Brooklyn? Salt Lake? When will San Francisco get so lucky? Half of the authors could make it for a nice weekend. Maybe the sun would even shine on such an incredible gathering of literary greatness. Please?

  • I totally loved this video, although I thought you were saying “Head nod…. in Head nod”. Your “ands” sound like “ins”. Crazy southern accent. 😉 Seriously, though, that was just too cute. But Chuckles – man, he is just too well behaved. What a sweet boy! 🙂

  • belletoes

    HAHAHHAHA. So nice to know that there are other jackasses in the world who think ‘torturing’ their dogs is hilarious! We do the same all of the time and we crack up. Dood, sounds like you are saying, ‘eggnog’.

    Keep it up and congrats on all of the good stuff. Still praying and wishing for the best for your stepdad. Let us know. Love ya kid.


  • Dude, my Riley is much more Coco than Chuck. But he is cute as hell which gives him a huge advantage in my home. Check him out… I just wrote an entire post about his orneriness: I’m sure you can relate!

  • Bossy doesn’t trust that her food will remain where it is placed either. Plus, you say that like it’s a Bad Thing.

  • Lesley

    Chuck is a Zen Master, no question about it.

  • I used to do transcription for a doctor with a speech impediment, so I think I can answer the question “What is he saying?”

    Ed Nein…..Ed Nein…..

    It’s German. Eat, No! Eat, No!

    CoCo is not quite bilingual yet and so when Heather yells stop eating your poop, you dumb dog, CoCo hasn’t figured it all out yet. Or the poop is crunchy and he’s missing half the syllables. That can happen. But Chuck? Chuck clearly understands every word of “don’t eat this yet”, “don’t eat shit” and “hold perfectly still and balance this on your head” in five, maybe six different languages. He’ll soon take his show globally. I’m seeing a calendar here of Chuck balancing different objects in front of Eifel Tower, the Louvre, Stonehenge…..

  • Ashley Palmer

    How much do coco and chuck weigh. I am just trying to get an idea of how big they are are compared to my puggle.

  • Holy crap! That has got to be one of the funniest things I’ve seen. You’re right. Chuck is so still… All I can say is that I was wondering about this very thing while watching and re-watching the video: What was Chuck thinking?

  • That dog has more attention span than I possess on any given moment.

  • Jocelyn

    chuck looks like that stuffed dog, rowdy, on scrubs. not that i’m saying he’s dead or making a threat or anything, because people on this site can totally take things the wrong way.

  • Ditto, Joanna! That was too funny but I kept waiting for the nod! Very cute dogs. I love Liz Phair….

  • You are too funny! TGI found your site.

  • kim

    Your dogs are hilarious. Mine will sit exactly until the moment the bowl hits the floor. Then all training goes out the door.

  • Have I mentioned recently that I want your dogs? Because I totally want your dogs.

  • Okay woman, I am cracking up at the whole *head nod* thing…that is GREAT!
    Oh, and Chuck? He is da bomb!

  • Kim in AL

    Don’t know if you have tried this for the shit eating Coco, but it FINALLY worked for us – feed him pineapple. Suppose to make it taste bad to the dog. You would think it would be an improvement, but it worked for us. Something to do with enzymes? Anyway, we would freeze it and make it an outside treat. Big hit.

  • Chuck isn’t breathing!

  • lostinutah

    Chuck is such a GOOD BOY!

    That is really funny.

  • Your dogs are hilarious. I have a pack of my own. I even have granddogs. You should check Mayday, my granddog that makes me laugh all the time, carrying A TREE:

  • Dogs and kids – a match made in heaven. Time to be serious, ladies. Please read about what happened to my granddaughter at a gas station – in broad daylight! She ran into some bad guys. It could happen to any of us and we need to BE CAREFUL:

  • Oh Dooce, if you want me to meet you in Salt Lake City, you’ve got to arrange it at Sundance. You do know Robert Redford personally, don’t you?

  • My dog has to wait for “the signal” too, but if we let her sit there for too long there’s a huge puddle of drool that we have to mop up. I am totally not seeing your drool puddles…

  • …or you could always GIVE Coco away for FREE on freecycle. heh.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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