An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

2009 in photos

As we approach the final days and hours of 2009, I’m struck by the many ups and downs my family and most likely yours have experienced over the last twelve months. And although I know it was a tough span of time for many people, I really need to articulate just how awesome this year has been for us. And oh my god, Heather Armstrong is getting all positive up in here. UNFOLLOW! WHERE IS THAT ACERBIC WHOREBAG YOU USED TO KNOW AND LOVE.

Let’s see, in the last twelve months I have (NOTE: I am about to start bragging, mainly so that my mom can print this out, take it to church, and tell her friends that I’m not all that bad, that when I die my fellow brothers and sisters in the Telestial Kingdom will be in good company):

1. Gained 45 pounds. See: all those boxes of powdered donuts.

2. Lost 50 pounds (that extra five due to the stress of bullying a multibillion dollar corporation into fixing my broken washing machine).

3. Been a guest on The Today Show, The Bonnie Hunt Show, Dr. Phil, and Oprah. I repeat: OPRAH. OOOOPPPPRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

4. Made the New York Times Best Sellers List, something I owe to my seventh grade English teacher, Mary Krause Fowler.

5. Named by Forbes as one of the top 30 most influential women in media. (NUMBER TWENTY-SIX BITCHES!)

6. Been featured as a $2000 answer on Jeopardy.

7. Made Time’s list of the 25 Best Blogs of 2009.

8. Toured with my book to New York, Chicago, Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Denver, and Austin.

9. Enrolled my oldest daughter into kindergarten.

10. Briefly met and then slightly harassed Peter Frampton.

11. Launched a community section of my website which has soared far beyond my expectations in terms of the respect and generosity among its members.

12. Oh, and I had that baby. Without any pain medication. Yes, I will always point that out even though it is tacky to do so. Also, it makes it so that Jon cannot ever trump me.

And then there was the broken toe, the SHINGLES!, the minor case of swine flu, and a bathroom remodel so offensive that WE WILL ALL DIE! (see comment #93)

I also had to say goodbye to my beloved Granny Boone, the magnificent matriarch of my giant Southern family, a woman whose iron will I strive to emulate every day of my life.

It’s been a hell of a year, and we are among the lucky ones who still have the means to pay for our house and our car and the food on our table, and for that I thank you, you who come here to share in this total wackadoo story. I wish I could take each and every one of you out for a beer. Or a Sprite if that is your preference.

Here is our year in photos:

(soundtrack is “Follow Through” by Hotel Lights)

  • jpshenson

    I tell everyone that I got SHINGLES from you…. by reading about them here! Some people actually believe me.

  • the niffer

    I’m so happy that 2009 has been good to you, despite SHINGLES! and other not so fun stuff. Beautiful photos as always. It makes me all weepy to see you so happy!

  • Angie_from_Oz

    Just beautiful Heather. This blog is a really special project – honest, funny, real – I love it.

  • Janice

    Awesome in so many ways. You provide such inspiration of what a family can do together. Still smiling at your mom’s video and now this. Many blessings to you, Hamilton/Armstrongs/Katie & Lili in the new DECADE!

  • shazzanorth

    Sobbing here – sharing is good. Thank you!!

  • Greta Koenigin

    Okay, Oprah, you’ve earned that. New York Times Bestseller List, fine. Forbes’ top 30, I can see that. But having enough money to pay for your home and food, now THAT’S bragging. Thanks for being acerbic AND insightful. Happy New Year!

  • jennyfromtheshwa

    You deserve and have earned every piece of happiness that has come to you and yours this year, Heather. Your blog has touched my life in a way that only I will ever know the significance of and for that I thank you. (SHINGLES!-jazz hands-Couldn’t help it). May 2010 be just as wonderful.

    PS. Your hubby is super hot!Damn, so are you. And those darned kids…. could they be any cuter? Face it, you have it all!

  • sandi

    Jon- Thanks for fixing my account. I did a password change and I am in!

    Heather- You ROCK!!

  • kristennporter

    Beautiful pictures. (Especially the yellow flowers in the rain…I can’t wait until you do a photo tips entry. Your pictures are incredible.) Great song.

    Hope 2010 is a great year for your family.

  • katie o.

    What an incredibly lovely recap of what otherwise might have been considered a totally crap year.

    Your family is beautiful and I think I love Chuck and Coco. Yes, even Coco.

    Happy New Year!

  • doodlelovemonkey

    I accidentally stumbled upon your blog years ago when I was bored at work one day – I think it was right after you and Jon got married. I’ve been following ever since.

    You are simply wonderful. And hilarious.

  • Trina

    Oh my Heather, what a beautiful slideshow, it brought tears to my eyes! You continue to inspire me with every post!

  • winecat

    Simply beautiful, stunning and awesome.

    Happy New Year Armstrong family.

  • Jencharvey

    You and your family are rad!

  • Marie_Lynn

    I have been reading your blog forever. Since before you got “Dooced.” Wonderful post. So happy for your family and that montage got me all choked up. Happy New Year!

  • scunningham

    I love your writing…each post reminds me that life (the hard times, the good times, the dull times) is beautiful.

    What you write reminds me to try and find the beauty and joy and fun in my own everyday things.

    Thank you, and all the best to you. (All of you!)

    Now? I have to get a tissue because that sweet slide show kind of made me cry.


  • lrgeorge

    I really liked that. Thank you.

  • Melanie Gore

    I get shingles and the best thing if Valtrex. Yes, it is a herpes medicine but I am never without it because I get them often. If you can start taking them as soon as you feel an outbreak coming on, it will really help.

  • Willy Michaels

    Thank you so much for allowing us to follow you and your family. I love your blog and it’s always sure to put a smile on my face. Chuck Rocks!

  • tricialynnkush

    okay, so I’m sitting here crying while watching the year in photos and listening to that awesome song….I have never met any of you and yet feel strangely connected to you. How cool is it that we live in a “blog world” where we all are somehow/somewhat connected? Thank you for sharing your world with us. Peace. Love. Joy. 2010.

  • Julie Nixon

    All I have to say is thank you for living your life fully and sharing it with us. Really, thank you.

    I believe that you are making a positive influence in the world and I appreciate it.

    Lady! I’m giving you the fist pump! Yee haw!

    – your middle “B” twin from Canada

  • martha

    If you are going to take us *ALL :)* out for a beer I would like to have a Tankhouse Ale from
    and just to add one more # to your “list” my soon to be 19 year old son takes a peak at your website once in awhile.(a guy who follows dooce!)
    He is a 1st year student at University and already has a great job (HE GETS PAID!!!) as a photographer for the Athletic Dept. He loves your photos.

    oh, we forgot to tell you we really, really like your new (well it was months ago)short haircut.

    OH, I had shingles 3 years ago and in my mind I can still feel the “pecking snakes’on my back.
    yes, i know snakes don’t peck-but it was damn awful & my mind can’t forget it.
    sympathy offered.

    good idea (someone had)
    MUSIC of dooce >>>>>>>>> i like it, i like it

    Happy New Year

  • maggieyay

    It’s so strange feeling as though you’re a friend, when you’re a stranger. But that post was like getting tipsy with an old friend and reminiscing, because I remember and yes, I remember, and oh yes! I remember! And as strange as it is for me to think of you like you’re almost-but-oddly-not-quite a close friend, I can only conjure a slight imagining of how bizarre it must be to be you, and that there are millions of nebulous consciousnesses out there in the ether thinking the same thing and you don’t know any of us.
    Glorious wishes for 2010
    Maggie in SF (but not your Maggie)

  • Agent66

    To the Woman who brought us :”piss-guzzling ass minstrel,” “shit-swilling crap-belching vagina,” “pithy rust-encrusted testicle envelope,” and , Blubberface McButtshit Taintlicker Esquire.” … OKay, maybe you didn’t write THAT,(great name ideas for my next dog!) BUT. You have inspired MUCH on either side of crazy, and taken us all on the ride that is your life. THANK YOU.
    My wish for you in the New Year is that you never, EVER pause at the keyboard, furrow on your brow, fingers hovering, because you’re worried about receiving a wave of meancrazy when you write about ANYTHING that people have OPINIONS about. (ESPECIALLY those delightfully wacky Headless Germanic Anti-Vaccine Pioneers). Those whateverpercent crazy/jealous/mean people yelling at you (telling you you’re doing it wrong!) are like tuition you have to pay for the huge audience, and resulting fame your wonderful writing has brought you… say SO WHAT?! And take on THE CORPORATION with the ridiculously crappy service BECAUSE YOU CAN. Your moment of frustration morphed into a really nice thing for people in need. How Fucking COOL is that?! And then there’s that natural birth! You INFORMED women of their choices,and by telling your birth story, let us in on the most amazing thing we as women get to do..(I’m commenter #1200something)!! Your story was funny,moving, and inspirational… all adjectives that mean to say, you picked each of us up, placed us on your body and carried us with you on your particularly worded journey, and we are really ,REALLY glad you’re here.
    To the few who may say I’m kissing Dooce ass, I say: I’m just telling it like it IS, so EAT ME. Thank you Heather, for being the Wackadoo that you are, and Thank you for sharing.

  • workroom

    man that’s one helluva soundtrack (grey’s anatomy would be jealous), or maybe it’s just seeing a year in pictures… my throat’s sorta tight and things look sorta blurry watery like now…

    happy new years to you all and I hope 2010 brings you all just as much if not more joy and craziness, bathroom be damned.

  • Scott-5×5

    Holy motherfucking shit on a pogo stick, I cannot believe how good that is.

    2009 was one of the worst I’ve had, seeing the end of my marriage just a few weeks ago. But here, you, this montage. Goddammit life is important and we must capture it, we must remember it, we must live it. It’s so good that you had the camera there, all the time, shooting the small things as well as the big ones. I’ve never been so inspired to do the same. And I’m a PHOTOGRAPHER!

    Thank you for this, it’s so inspiring. In the past 3 weeks, everything has changed for me and I have a brand new life ahead of me now. I’m going to start shooting it.

    Thank you.

    Shut up, I’m not crying.

  • TurdFerguson

    I only found your site a few months ago. One of the first things I read was the story of how Jon farted on your first date. I knew this was the place for me. Loved the look back. Happy New Year Armstrong family! Looking forward to 2010.

  • rachael1013

    You take beautiful photos! What an amazing year.

  • Kristen from MA

    Wow, that was wonderful. Happy New Year, Armstrongs!

    (That said, I’m goin’ to check out Hotel Lights.)

  • Kristen from MA

    Wow, that was wonderful. Happy New Year, Armstrongs!

    (That said, I’m goin’ to check out Hotel Lights.)

    *oops* sorry!

  • jodiezoeller

    Thanks for the photo video, very nice. I wish I was talented that way like Jon and you. I’m a geek like Jon but without the Mac. I’m bound to PC land. So my AV skills are nada. It’s been a few years since I started following you and finding other blogs though you like Twelve Two Two Fondue and others. I love his blog. I love yours. I have several others that are great too. My farmville addiction is eating up the time I used to spend reading blogs at night. Another resolution. Also I’m happy to be employed. I spent 1.5 months this year in between jobs. It seemed like FOREVER. I’m not a spring chicken like you… I’m almost five oh! Ack! Where do the years go? Ciao

  • jodiezoeller

    I forgot to wish you a Happy New Year and wonderful 2010! God bless us every one. (Tiny Tim, A Christmas Carol).

  • lunatig

    thanks so much for sharing your life and all its snarkiness w/ us. you are one of my main reads daily and I look forward to it every morning. btw you have the cutest kids ever.

  • aneedleinthehay

    so beautiful!! thank you for sharing your wit, humor, and view of the world with all of us!! many Blessings to you and your beautiful family in 2010!!

  • Big Gay Sam

    I’m a jealous bitch. 😉

  • cupidgirl21483

    That made me happy. I am so glad that you had such an incredible year.

    Happy New Year Armstrong’s! 🙂

  • Googooboyy

    Goodness it’s 2010 already? Happy new year people!

    Anyway, I’m still wondering how I find myself within this community and even having the audacity to follow your musings for god-knows-how-many-years, but the best part of it all is that, everything still seems so fresh and sarcastic as we all love it.

    Keep it up. Best wishes from sunny Singapore~

  • shelldid

    Happy New Year to you and your beautiful family. I have been reading your blog since you were pregnant with Leta and blogging about french fries 🙂 Thanks for all the laughs and for making me realize that even when there are tears everything’s gonna be alright!!!

  • Nicovember

    When something is too good to be believed, my friends and I call it tood.

    I hope to someday be as tood in my own way as you are in yours. Much hugs to your gorgeous and unforgettable family.

    2010: GOLD

  • crazyforher

    I am #140 so this comment is more than likely the equivalent of me talking to myself. I do that all day so I am just continuing the conversation. Start comment….
    Love your site but especially look forward to your photo collections. I currently have 15,000 plus photos on my shiny new Mac that I need to do something creative with. What do you use to create your year end photo montage? Is that a word? I think it is but my brain is a little sluggish so anyway…I would love to hear what kind of tools you use for publishing, editing, creating etc. I have read every single post you have ever written and I don’t remember you mentioning this in any of them. Of course I am not sure if I changed my underwear this morning either. Was that sharing too much? Sometimes I over share. I should add that to my Dooce community profile that I just created. Hello, my name is Lorie and I over share. Good day. Oh and could you please answer my question because I am not broke but close to it and would love to purchase a “do it all” type tool that would be worth the money rather than do what I usually do, buy a bunch of crap programs for Winblows but alas those days are over because I HAVE A FUCKING MAC! Woot! I am hoping the longer the comment the bigger the possibility that it will be noticed thus my question answered. No? Should I send you some Doritos in the mail? No? I’ve got nothin’. Okay, really, this is the end. My only friend, the end. Shit. Now I have that song in my head. Great. P.S. I think your husband is super geeky hott. So much so, I bought the first picture he sold online “Budget Print”. He signed it 1 of 1. Second question to very long comment – is it really the only one that he sold? Or did he just humor me so I would leave him the hell alone. I wouldn’t blame him, I mean look at this damn comment. It is the comment that won’t end. I can’t find a good stopping point. And I NEVER comment on your site. I promise I am not doing drugs. Drugs are for cool people and I am not really that cool. The end. I mean it this time.

  • socalchickonawire09

    Wow…I don’t think I can top that massive post! Really….I don’t recall where/when/why or how I stumbled upon your blog. I just thought it was another “blah-g”…y’know what I mean? Then I realized I was checking nearly everyday to see if there was a new post. Then, I “favorited” it! Big time right there sista! Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I think, “Eh…I coulda done better with that.” Then reality slaps me and goes, “Well, honey then why the hell is SHE the one that’s becoming famous and wealthy from writing and YOU ARE NOT?!?!” But, really….that photo montage, for some reason…that is my FAVORITE thing you have shared with us. I loved it. It was beautiful. Thankyou. I hope you have an even more wonderful 2010. XOXOX LISA

  • LaurenFrench

    It was like the scene out of fight club, when the porn pops up through the cinema showing. I had to do a double take because WAS THAT COCO DRY HUMPING CHUCK? Yes, yes it was. Haha!

    wishing you and the family have a wonderful 2010. x

  • Music for Mother and Child

    Happy New Year, Heather!


  • kate_lucy

    Heather, you are an amazing writer and photographer, and it is such a pleasure to share in your life just this little bit!

    What a momentous year you’ve had! Life is certainly rich!

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful family and your wonderful wit with us!

    Wishing for you all good things in the New Year!


  • AllThe.StarsAreMine


    thats all....


  • OldGrayMare

    So much I would say but I’ll try to keep it short. Thank you, Heather Armstrong. You have helped me keep a smile on through a very tough year. I have enjoyed your wit, your humor, your passion and your toughness. I have been wistfully envious of the strength of the love you and Jon have for one another and at the same time relieved to know that such relationships do exist. You have a beautiful family and I wish you continued success and happiness in 2010.

  • parkersmom

    Like you, I make peace with the previous year at New Year’s by listing my accomplishments. They are less larger-than-life than yours, but significant nonetheless.

    Example: giving up the facial products I’ve used since my early 30’s for more age-appropriate ones; telling a friend (who buys everything I do) “I’m no longer answering the ‘where did you get it’ question;” not letting another friend take advantage of my generosity; shifting the bulk of my prayers from requests to thanksgivings.

    Your column is an immensely entertaining pick-me-up.
    I wish you and your family health, love, peace and joy in the New Year.

  • Leezzz

    You make me smile every time again. Most of the time it is for your fantastic exaggeration capabilities, but this time it was a loving smile, seeing the pictures of your lovely family.
    I’ve been following you for two years or so, and after (finally) reading your book, I have now decided to read every entry on your blog you ever posted. It will take me some time, yes, but I just love reading about your life. Please don’t ever stop…
    All the best for you and your family in 2010!

  • Fosterhood

    As I watch the photos I say to myself “Ooo, that’s my favorite. No, no- THIS is my favorite.” I give up, such amazing photos of 2009. Congrats on all that you’ve accomplished this year!

  • leahofdp

    my son is sitting with me watching this video and tears are streaming down my face, with joy. i’m guessing that the video represents what’s really important in our hearts, family and friends.

    i have to say it’s good to see you having a joy in your life, it is well deserved. you earned them by walking through so much hard stuff.

    i think you are awesome, always have and always will.

    leah of dp

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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