the smell of my desperation has become a stench

The New Masthead Archive

Jon recently did some upgrades to the code of the website, and for the first time in several years we now have a functioning archive of all the mastheads I’ve ever designed. (You can also get there through the MASTHEADS tab at the top of the page.) It goes all the way back to the first one I ever designed in September of 2001. Not sure I have a favorite one, and as I look back at all of them I’m reminded of so many different stages of my life covered here in these pages. You guys have any suggestions for next month’s tagline?

  • jon

    2010/03/17 at 4:14 pm

    Ben Durbin did the code for these. I just helped. 🙂


  • TriptikGirl

    2010/03/17 at 4:28 pm

    I can’t get into specifics, but it’s gotta include butt pillows.

  • Meg

    2010/03/17 at 4:32 pm

    I second TriptikGirl–took the words as I was typing!

    Perhaps ‘The George Clooney of Butt Pillows’?

  • messilly

    2010/03/17 at 4:32 pm

    I just made an account for the sole purpose of telling you: I LOVE this masthead. I love most of them, but this may be my favorite. Just keep this one for another month! I’m sure nobody will complain…

  • fatladysings

    2010/03/17 at 4:33 pm

    April 2010: Cushioning butts everywhere

  • Adrasteia

    2010/03/17 at 4:33 pm

    Butt Pillow Connoisseur.

    Nuff said.

  • EarlGreyHot

    2010/03/17 at 4:40 pm

    Juggling Turdballs!

  • hugsNpuppies

    2010/03/17 at 4:48 pm

    You must be running out of vile hater’s emails if you’re asking us for ideas 😉

    How about “where leprechauns come knocking”? No, too lame….

  • Amber

    2010/03/17 at 4:55 pm

    I wish I had your design skills. Okay I wish I had your talent in any area from writing to butt pillow selection.

    Here are 2 ideas for the next one:

    Harbinger of Turdballishness


    Brace Your Skull on the Headrest

    I also like Meg’s idea. Though may I suggest an edit as follows: “The George Clooney Butt Pillow of Blogs.”

  • SAJ

    2010/03/17 at 5:01 pm

    Drinking the haterade since 2001.

  • bambooska

    2010/03/17 at 5:01 pm

    How about a masthead totally dedicated to Spring? I would love to see that since you’re all waiting for a warmer weather in the northen hemisphere. 🙂

    My goodness, the mastheads are beautiful. Wow. 😀

  • tallnoe

    2010/03/17 at 5:04 pm

    Wow, you changed like every 2 weeks at the beginning. Impressive. I think you’re muy talented.

    Thanks for the walk through it…

    And, I think butt pillow has to be involved. Or a helmet. Or something along those injured lines.

  • Taratory

    2010/03/17 at 5:09 pm

    Not Regular

  • Curiosity

    2010/03/17 at 5:20 pm

    @Taratory – But she IS regular now!

    “Writing since 2001, Regular since 2010”
    “Come for the pillow, Stay for the butt”
    “Sleep is for pussies”
    “Feel the love”
    “Why yes, those are hippos”
    “Like a light spring rain of profanity”

    My brain is not functioning at full speed right now.

    (That last one is a permanent label for my own head, not a tag line for you)

  • blackpanther

    2010/03/17 at 5:25 pm

    I love the references to Mary J. Blige, Kellis, and Destiny’s Child songs. You just upped your street cred a significant amount. The accountant at my job was wondering why I was smiling at the computer…those mastheads are fucking fantastic.

    Now, I’m outta here..before I get “Dooced.”

  • Taratory

    2010/03/17 at 5:25 pm

    @ Curiosity: I must have missed that post. Digestion issues aside, I’d still argue that Dooce is anything but regular!

  • LizinVa

    2010/03/17 at 5:32 pm

    Butt pillows and turdballs and pens (OH MY!)

  • Greta Koenigin

    2010/03/17 at 11:52 pm

    Ooops. Didn’t read the directions thoroughly and made comment unrelated to April’s tagline. Would have deleted myself into oblivion, but your site wants something in the comment field. Sorry to take up space AND offer no ideas. Hope one of the other 44 help. 🙂

  • Therese

    2010/03/17 at 5:42 pm

    I’m so glad you did this. I love the option to click on one, and just click-a-dy-click-click to the end of the page. Fantastic.

  • jmiesb

    2010/03/17 at 5:52 pm

    Have butt pillow will travel! Think of the possibilities! You could even make a theme song the using “The Ballad of Paladin”. If I’m not mistaken Richard Boone (who starred in the TV show “Have Gun Will Travel) was related to Daniel Boone too! A full circle pun. 🙂

  • jem3278

    2010/03/17 at 5:58 pm

    Wow, that’s just beautiful. When I die, I want to come back as one of your mastheads. 🙂

    p.s. My captcha is “town arsonist” – how did they know??

  • micahmaranda

    2010/03/17 at 6:02 pm

    I really like the “Brace Your Skull on the Headrest” suggestion.

  • meganithappen

    2010/03/17 at 6:04 pm

    Brace your skull on the george clooney butt pillow.

  • AmandaBC

    2010/03/17 at 6:29 pm

    Tag line: Sticking it where the sun does shine.

  • GAgirl

    2010/03/17 at 6:52 pm

    Some kind of decorating stuff since that’s your latest adventure. If not that then you must do something related to your butt pillow!

  • RoseTattoo

    2010/03/17 at 6:55 pm

    “Access to health care is a fundamental right, not a privilege”

    Sorry, but I’m giddy with the prospect of healthcare passing.

  • FlushedFace

    2010/03/17 at 7:12 pm

    I think it should have to do with your new HGTV gig… and all the haters.

    How ’bout your line:

    “An Untrained Plebe”

    That word just makes me laugh. Plebe. HA!

  • rsfishe

    2010/03/17 at 7:33 pm

    Love the mastheads, it’s awesome to see your design skills progress over so many years!

  • rIAm

    2010/03/17 at 7:36 pm

    how about




    I am sure more ideas will come to me in the half-sleep time when I am nursing my son… 😛

  • NYCDude

    2010/03/17 at 7:42 pm

    My Ideas:

    Butt Pillows R Us
    Open 24/7
    Just Add Vodka
    This is not your fathers Oldsmobile
    No animals were harmed in the making of this blog

  • Ex Files Chick

    2010/03/17 at 7:48 pm

    My Butt Pillow Smells Nicer Than Yours

  • The Christine

    2010/03/17 at 7:50 pm

    I’m going to have to second / third / fourth / however the F many it was “The George Clooney Of Butt Pillows.”

  • bevskid1

    2010/03/17 at 8:07 pm

    I love your line: “It’s all giggles, balloons, and pony rides over here.”

  • mommaruthsays

    2010/03/17 at 8:12 pm

    What The Dooce
    (you know, like Stewie from Family Guy?)

  • Figtron

    2010/03/17 at 8:14 pm


    Since you have been so prone to injury of late, and you have been mad busy with all the new projects, why not just say:

    “Where Chaos Reigns, and Butts are King.”

  • JoGer0305

    2010/03/17 at 8:51 pm

    ‘I’m no fool. Are you?’

    That picture of you that you posted, Tweet Party, or whatever it was: I about peed my pants. You guys are something else ;). And I mean that positively.

  • cbaginski

    2010/03/17 at 8:54 pm

    How about: “Now featuring this face on HGTV” ?

  • specialkrispy

    2010/03/17 at 9:09 pm


  • MePlayingHouse

    2010/03/17 at 9:16 pm

    April Showers Bring Doocery – Who Needs Flowers

  • Shanni_O

    2010/03/17 at 9:26 pm

    What a trip to look back at some of the mastheads, recognize I have seen them before then check the date ! Wow, how the time flies… I think I found you during your kitchen remodel at the previous house. We were doing ours too and I stumbled on your photos.

  • buttonville

    2010/03/17 at 10:00 pm

    “What fresh Hell is this?” would be a good tag line I think….

  • gavintiegirl

    2010/03/17 at 10:08 pm

    Tagline suggestion: Home of the growly, screaming, yelling turdball!

    Excuse me if it was mentioned above…I did not read any of them.

    BTW: I am sure you have heard this a thousand times by now, but Marlo is just so freakin cute. I love getting a glimpse of her everyday. She is just so baby brand new, fresh, and cute looking.

    Okay, it’s late and I should probably stop rambling on now. Night night.

  • KathyRo

    2010/03/17 at 10:41 pm

    I can’t think of any tag lines but I think you should bring back the anal beads from the Jan 2003 masthead.

  • Meranath

    2010/03/17 at 11:04 pm

    Something with “douchefarmer.”

    A friend of mine said that by accident the other day and I love it.

  • Openshrew

    2010/03/17 at 11:13 pm

    Picking a bone with my tail. 🙂

  • kustoo

    2010/03/18 at 1:03 am

    I am going to go with these:
    Drunk With Power and Soiled in Breastmilk
    The only place on the internet where a Butt Pillow > BMW 3 Series
    The united nation of hippo-acracy

  • leahofdp

    2010/03/18 at 1:58 am

    have an idea for masthead, “fully prepared to pop a cap in your ass”.

  • myla

    2010/03/18 at 2:58 am

    I had to go back and look through to see the first one I remembered, and it was the daisies from February of 2003. Seven years! I feel like I should send vodka and flowers. Love ya, H. xo

  • L Arnold

    2010/03/18 at 5:02 am

    How about, “Tagline goes here.”

  • katmart

    2010/03/18 at 6:06 am

    LizinVa said:

    Butt pillows and turdballs and pens (OH MY!)

    Love the turdballnish comments 😀

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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