An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The New Masthead Archive

Jon recently did some upgrades to the code of the website, and for the first time in several years we now have a functioning archive of all the mastheads I’ve ever designed. (You can also get there through the MASTHEADS tab at the top of the page.) It goes all the way back to the first one I ever designed in September of 2001. Not sure I have a favorite one, and as I look back at all of them I’m reminded of so many different stages of my life covered here in these pages. You guys have any suggestions for next month’s tagline?

  • leafgirl

    Fuck you its my blog


  • girlplease

    I prefer your old mastheads with Chuck.

  • scatterbox

    “Bangin’ That Ass”

  • origamibug

    Moose Shoe Pork
    Sleep deprivation make anything funny.

  • mom-of-molly

    Daylight Stealing Time Can Suck it.

  • luv and kiwi

    the voices in my vagina told me to do it

  • cour10eemom

    Falling apart one piece at a time

  • Bratfink

    “Sometimes the truth is ugly.”

    That spoke to me because it’s true, even if it IS ugly.

  • Acegrl

    Longtime reader, first time commenter. Wow, that was so not original. Plz excuse my offensive use of cliche in place of an actual introduction. PLEASE? Cuz I kinda sorta think you’re awesome No really, though, you’re like my idol. I’m so done rambling. Srsly. K, I totes think you should use:

    “Butts, pups and no-spill cups.”


  • antje

    I’d go with “breeding lilacs” . It’d be a reference to T S Eliot’s “The Wasteland” which opens

    April is the cruellest month, breeding
    Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
    Memory and desire, stirring
    Dull roots with spring rain.

    See how nice? Lilacs out of mud, beautiful flowers (or designs?) from butt pillows and nasty snow-board falls. Might invoke some cool color pallets (sp?) for the masthead too.

  • TexasKatie

    How about a shout-out to all those people who think you are such an “ad sellout”. Like “Now featuring more ads” or “Now with more Big Mac and a side of Suave”.

    Obviously I say this in jest because I DON’T think you are an ad-sellout but a savvy businesswoman. But I know how you love to be snarky. 🙂 Not sure if you could use the trademarks Big Mac and Suave without a corporate agreement, but I wouldn’t think they’d mind one bit if you add the ®.

  • BoltedMKE


    also, “was that mean?”

    “owner of a registered trademark”

    “stop spam. read books.”

    I love the little html guidelines under the comment box. nice work.

  • SOLO dot MOM

    Butt Pillow definitely needs to be in there… somewhere.
    Master of the butt pillow…

    or “That’s My Butt Pillow, and yes it is a size small”

  • Starshine

    Pork Rinds and Twinkies, Anyone?

  • saucy bitch

    I’m with TexasKatie. The “now with more Big Mac and a side of Suave” bit was the first idea that made me guffaw out loud. I LOVE guffawing, dammit. (Thanks TexasKatie!)

  • tokenblogger

    Makes me wish I’d save mine, too.

  • WendyWoo

    Turdballish and All

    Also, who do you want to play you when they make a movie about you?

  • popNina

    putting the “extra” into ordinary


    putting the “ass” in class

  • kcbelles

    The $40,000 per month Blogger
    – in your face!

  • TexasKatie

    Thanks, Saucy Bitch! 🙂 Glad I made you chuckle!

  • moggit girls


    (Heather Gets To Vent)


  • the former Dr. Tongue

    Since I’ve already indirectly contributed, and therefore also have a favourite in the archives, I’ll just be content to read and chuckle.

  • Lilian – Mama in Translation

    No suggestions for a new tagline, just a comment/question about the masthead archives.

    Isn’t that a tailbone that we see at the very center of the August 2006 masthead, flanked by vertebral columns (this plural sounds really strange)? I thought this was an interesting coincidence, if not an “ominous sign,” given the tagline (Anatomy of a Malignant Blogger). Yeah, maybe something about tailbones in the next masthead (or, that was my first thought, turdballs).

    Just thought I’d point this one out and in the end I do have a couple of suggestions now…

  • linuxchik

    cute masthead display. sriptaculous? Effect.Grow!!!

  • MichelleBarra

    “Everything is going to be okay”

    This is now my mantra for 2010.

  • Monday

    “Breeding since 2004”

    “DOOCE a Meshuggener in Utah”

    “Tchotchke Collector / a decorative knick knack with little or no purpose”

  • brooke

    “better than a poke in the eye with a hot stick” with a picture (or many pictures) of marlo’s gorgeous eyes.

  • TropicalPopsicle

    “Now farting sunshine and rainbows”

  • isabelblakely




  • isabelblakely


  • CArRiEMc

    1) NO-Butt Pillow (available with or without scratch-n-sniff)

    2) Blogging Without a Pen

    3) Now Seen on HGTV (only because the Food Network wasn’t at all interested)- can you say baaad-seafood?

    my 2cents

  • nice_n_tidy

    I am always have teenage embarrassment looking back at poast internet posts. I am loving that they make you feel nostalgic in a good way.
    My masthead would be “I used to be so embarrassing, but now I’ve got it all figured out…until next week.”

  • naturegrrrl

    Oooh! I know….how ’bout:

    1. Purveyor Of Fine Butt Pillows To The Stars
    2. The Blog That Launched A Thousand Expletives
    3. Less Ass To Grab
    4. May Be Substituted For Viagra
    5. Keep Your Hands Off My Turdballs

    I could do this all night. Hey! How about running occasional contests to name the masthead? Could be fun!

    Love what you do, Heather. I hope you NEVER stop.

  • nut_meg

    Our babies are about the same age (my inspiration). How ’bout: in deep shit, and it’s not even my own

  • Missybeme

    “Powered with Prozac since???” (Sorry, don’t know the year!)


    “Now with more vitamin P(rozac)!”

  • Kirsey

    I looked back through ALL of your Mastheads, and love them. I wish I was more creative but your current one makes me feel like I am drowning in a giant size aquarium with a jellyfish on my face, how can you come back from that?!?!

  • squir999

    I like these two:

    “An Untrained Plebe” (via FlushedFace)


    Sellout. (via specialkrispy)

    They both made me laugh. 🙂

  • foggymorningjewelry

    Awesome! I truly wish I had this kind of talent so I could update my banner regularly! 🙂

    *Here is the link:

    Hope you find something you LOVE! <3*

  • dooceisthedevil

    you know what hate about dooce? everything she touches turns to gold. I can’t catch a break, and she’ll probably win an Oscar for taking the best dump EVER. Seriously, it isn’t fair that just because I don’t have daddy and mommy’s money that my life sucks, but yet SHE gets to be on hgtv, get books published, and i’m sure there’s a sitcom in the works.

  • Annie

    wow this is great! now I know I’ve been following your blog since Dec 2006! I recognise the masthead!

  • pgrandst

    Cabbage in My Bra, Leavin’ on My Mind
    (It would also be a great country song)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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