An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Spinning right wrong

Friday I had plans to spend about forty minutes on the elliptical trainer at the gym, something low impact and reasonable since I had really pushed it all week. But then an alien spaceship flew down from the sky, aimed a laser at my head and sucked my brain out through the top of my skull. Leaving me no option other than to join the spin class that had just started. The one being taught by General Patton.

How hard could this possibly be? It’s just a bike! I learned to ride one when I was seven. It had sparkly pink tassels hanging from the handle bars. I often rode it for minutes at a time!

Right. What? No, I hadn’t ever participated in a a spin class. Why would you ask?

My first clue that this might be a bad idea was when I noticed I was not dressed like everyone else in the room. I had on the wrong shoes. My pants did not have butt pads on the back side. Oh, and I was the only one whose legs resembled less a diagram of The Perfect Human Being and more a wet noodle.

Five minutes in and I wanted to die. Five minutes. And we hadn’t even started warming up yet. But if you haven’t yet noticed, I’m a bit of a stickler. I don’t like to start things and not finish them. Often, this is not a good personality trait. This is one of those instances.

Four sets of two minute sprints followed by another six sets of two minute sprints accompanied by a waterfall of sweat so magnificent in size that I almost drown. And then it kept going and going and going, and it stretched out into eternity. In fact, I am still on that bike.

Typing this is difficult with the sweat on my fingers.

An hour and twenty minutes later as we are all contorting our bodies to try and stretch the muscles that have caught fire, the teacher who happens to be my trainer starts laughing and shaking her head. She knows me and my personality and says to the class that she’s impressed that Heather back there made it all the way to the end, especially since she did the whole thing without butt pads! And I go, AHH KNOW! MY WEE WAW! If my groin continues to feel like it does now, NO SEX FOR ME THIS WEEKEND!




Oh dear, did I really just say that out loud? In Utah? Because two or three people almost fell off of their bikes. And not because they thought it was funny. Because the wave of AWKWARD shot through the room like a tsunami. I mean, the silence was so painful that I forgot about my groin for a few seconds. And my trainer in an attempt to Make Everything Okay goes HA HA HEATHER IS KIND OF “SPECIAL.”

And that is totally going to be my tagline for next month.

  • Pandora Has A Box

    I hate spinning with a fiery passion.

    That’s all I’ve got.

  • juliemewood

    So funny Heather!! Loved the post!

  • laurenot

    I totally sympathize with bike saddle induced chastity. Although my husband and I usually ride together, which means he’s equally as motivated for a “quiet evening.”

  • db

    I LOVE spinning. I do remember walking funny after the first couple of classes, but you get used to it pretty quickly. And if you think you would like to continue, consider buying the spinning shoes with clips – it’s a lot better with them.

    I’ve cut back recently to spend more time at the regular gym stuff, as I wasn’t really getting a well-rounded workout. But I still go once or twice a week. (I did a few 3-hour marathons – seriously, love it).

    Don’t write it off just yet. If you’re serious about working out, it’s a great way to burn calories. And I find that the hour flies by much faster than it does when I’m on the treadmill. I still haven’t found a way to love that hateful thing. 😉

  • greenplanner

    Gosh, I wish I had that ‘I refuse to quit’ thingy. I have more of an ‘Ouch, ef this, I’m outta here’ thingy.

    Can I just mention, please that Heather doesn’t need any of us to defend her? She is more capable of doing that than anyone who reads this blog, so just let her reply for herself, should she see fit.

  • kristin

    Yeah, the first and only time I did a spinning class I about threw up. I was heaving in the parking lot afterwards. And I consider myself to be in shape, but apparently I had a ways to go at the time.

  • LindsaySweeting

    Awesome. Nothing like a little wee-waw add levity to legs of lead. If it makes you feel any better, my husband is a pro cyclist, which means he rides around town in those spandex padded shorts. Shorts that give him the greatest tan lines you’ve ever seen. Keep it up…it only takes a week or so before your wee waw forgets the pain.

  • solaana

    I wish I’d been in that class because I would have:
    1. Been dying right next to you
    2. fallen off my bike when you called it your wee waw.

    In other news, this song made me think of you when I heard it. (That is not my blog, I just picked the first blog that came up on Also, it’s not like I’m thinking of you. Your voice just comes to mind sometimes, weirdly southern and allcaps, mostly when I do something stupid, like you’re narrating it. Like John Goodman’s voice in this book. [That is not my book, I’m just reading it right now.]) Anyway. Yeah.

    Although I have to say I had the best workout session on April Fool’s in spin class when Bob the Spinmaster played a bunch of “goofy” (read: AWESOME) songs instead of your usual gay bar electronica (not that I don’t love that kind of music, or gays, I swear). I mean, I was working out to Allison at one point! It does not get any better than Bob.

  • jennigens

    Ok – I’ve been reading a while but just had to sign up to leave a comment on this.

    Spinning = evil (for me)

    I work out five times a week, jogging, doing weights, etc. So in response to chickadee that says the spin haters are why America is fat? Uh, don’t think so. I hated spinning with a passion. I have breathing problems and got so red in the face that the teacher called me out several times to check on me (and this was after spinning for an hour several times a week for a couple weeks). I finally decided I hated dry heaving so much I would stick to the elliptical, treadmill, rock climbing wall or classes.

    And bangs – I am so sorry for that awful experience, but you totally made me laugh out loud. My poor little dog jumped out of my lap I scared her so much. Hope your lady bits are well healed. 🙂

  • JetLime

    Ha ha! This post was hilarious! You just sooo talked me out of trying spinning. I was just about to!

  • table4five

    I am not in favor of any exercise that requires the wearing of butt pads. Good for you for hanging in there til the end!

    “wee wah” – ha!

  • EmRounds

    Spinning is evil, although it is the sole reason that I am married to my husband. I met him at the gym, and he was always the smiling, happy-go-lucky fool at 6am that my girlfriend and I thought looked like Cuba Gooding Jr. Eye candy, at most.

    Until the fateful day my workout partner decided to join the 6am Spin Class! I HATE Spinning, and refused to join her. I opted to run around the city while she spun her way to Hell. For safety reasons, she suggested I ask someone to accompany me, so I chose Cuba — he was always so nice, cheerful and strong.

    Our first date was in a nearby park … 6:30am … only then did I realize he was deathly allergic to the Oak Trees that surrounded us. Aw, memories!

    So, here I thought I was running FROM Spinning, but really I was running TO him and our fabulous future together! Plus, he looks really hot when he sweats!

  • Roo8382

    I refuse to participate in any exercise that could potentially damage my wee wah.

    But speaking of bikes and wee wah….on our honeymoon, my husband BEGGED me to rent bikes so we could ride on a trail. He was all this will be fun! Like we’re kids again! I gave in and we rented the shittiest, cheapest bikes known to man. Keep in mind neither of us have even been near a bike since we were about 10 and I didn’t even know about butt pads.

    16 miles later, we were hungry, tired and my ass hurt so bad that it went numb. But we ate and I I was so damn tired that I didn’t even consider it until we were engaged in some honeymoon-like activities later on in the evening. Let’s just say it’s not a good sign for the rest of your honeymoon when your husband looks at your crotch, eye wide and yells OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR VAGINA!?!?! IT’S BLACK AND BLUE!

    Y’all, I had a bruised wee-wah on my honeymoon. And that pretty much curtailed any further honeymoon-like activities that week. You might be out of commission for longer than a weekend, friend.

  • nibsy

    The first time I went to a spinning class I saw Jesus. He was very upset with me and he told me to stop this nonsense and eat a cheeseburger.

  • ATXGirl

    I COMPLETELY feel your pain! My stepbrother invited me to a spin class… I figured “I used to ride a bike for therapy for my knees.. that sounds great!”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA How I made it through that class is a miracle in itself. I’ll never do it again.

    Then my SIL invited my brother to her spin class. My brother, Mr. Macho, of course accepted the challenge. I called him crazy. He said I was over exaggerating.. We haven’t spoke of the subject since. 😉

  • ATXGirl

    Great, nibsy, now I want a cheeseburger. Thanks! LOL :)~ Jesus was mad at me too.. I went to the water aerobics class with the old ladies the next time I tried a class…. haha

  • freckleface

    I laughed SO loudly at “wee waw”…. omg I’m still recovering! Spin class is terrible.. I’ll stick to running thanks 🙂

  • Caitlinjane

    I think that

    “AHH KNOW!
    HA HA!”

    Needs to be your tagline next month.

  • Flutterbyv

    Oh man… I can SO picture that. My stomach hurts from laughing. Ah, Utah, such a ‘special’ place…. 🙂

  • lisdom

    My question is this: are there really THAT MANY mormons living in SLC? So many that you would cause an entire room to go silent? Not that I take spin at my gym (i’m a big wuss), but I imagine if I did, your comment would have caused everyone to pee laughing. Just sayin’.

  • izzieruthea

    Lovin it

  • Daily Cup of Jo

    I’ve heard mention of these spinning classes. I’m just plain scared. After reading your post, even more so. The last time I went on a long ride on my husband’s road bike, I thought I’d be giving birth to a baby bike in nine months. I felt violated.

    And yet, oddly, you’ve inspired me. My workouts are so lame these days, maybe what we all really need is a spin class. And yoga. And nothing but veggies for every meal. Thanks.

  • Bree

    It gets so much easier so quick. I looooove spinning! Love it!! 🙂 Not that I do it..

    Three classes, about 2 years ago.. But I loved it!

  • Mrs.Adams

    I made it through 8 of 11 spin classes when I joined. It was buy 10 get one free. And you are correct on the wee waw pain. So correct.

  • edenland

    I did one spin class. I cried so hard but nobody noticed because my tears masqueraded as the dripping sweat. It was torture … never, ever again.

    Towards the end I was SO pissed off at all the other people, in their Spin Nirvana, it took every ounce not to get off and run around the room shouting “YOUR BIKES AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

    (My captcha word is snotting, which is also what I was doing during spin.)

  • keri125

    I finally de-lurked just to leave a comment! This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. It wasn’t just the story, which was totally great, but the way you wrote the story… I could totally picture the class, the awkwardness, and your teacher’s response. LOVED IT! Thanks for making me laugh after a long day at work!!


  • poobou

    I’ve taken one spin class in my life. One. I… don’t want to talk about it.

    Someone once told me that if you become a true cyclist, you eventually build up callouses on your wee-waw. CALLOUSES!! On your girly bits! Where callouses should never, ever be! And I thought the whole “toughened nipples” part of breastfeeding was horrifying. I do not need an exoskeleton, thanks anyway.

  • alp102000

    Congrats on making it all the way through the spin class. No need to be a martyr. I’ve been spinning for 10 years now and I still use padded shorts or a gel seat when I take spin classes. Don’t care what anyone else thinks, because I can kick their a$$ in the class anyway. I bet that if you give it another try (with whatever precautions make you comfortable), you’ll find that spinning gives you such a tremendous high that you’ll never look at the elliptical the same way again.

    As an aside, how could you possibly work out 5x a week at the intensity you claimed in your previous post and find a spin class so tough? Maybe you weren’t working hard enough previously? (Just kidding … actually, I’m not, I’m just trash talking you to get you to go to spin class again.)

  • Jae

    The first time I tried a spin class it felt like I was kicked in the crotch with a steel toed boot.

    My husband told me that I ‘just needed to build up a callous.’ Eh?!? A cooter callous. Niiiice.

  • naysway

    My God, woman. You just made me do a guffaw laugh. Snort and all.

  • TurdFerguson

    I hate those awkward silences when you say something & no one laughs. What a bunch of tight asses! ;D

  • styledish

    OMG I nearly peed!! A girl after my own heart!!

  • dykewife

    i started working out after decades of sedentary living (and i do mean decades) in mid-February. i started out doing 6 minutes on the elliptical (with a break to rest at about 3 minutes). now i’m up to 20 minutes. sometimes i take a break at about 10 minutes for about 30 seconds, but most times i do not. so long as i have the right drinking bottle (with the built in straw) i don’t have to stop to drink either.

    the mere thought of doing a spin class after working out on the elliptical makes my heart want to leap out of my chest, my hips dislocate and my thigh muscles want to crawl off and hide in a closet somewhere.

    i’m amazed you could manage that.

  • tallnoe

    It’s all your fault that I went to spin class today, Heather. So, um, thanks. and OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING??!!

  • louisprudent

    Spinning is an ancient textile art in which plant, animal or synthetic fibers are twisted together to form yarn. For thousands of years, fiber was spun by hand using simple tools, the spindle and distaff. Only in the High Middle Ages did the spinning wheel increase the output of individual spinners, and mass-production only arose in the 18th century with the beginnings of the Industrial Revolution. Hand-spinning remains a popular handicraft.

    Golden ISA

  • tanyer

    to hell with ’em if they can’t take it. They can spin for an hour but not handle an incredibly awesome and funny comment? Ridic. You rock. And are special.

  • mnigbur

    I just watched an episode of “The Doctors” last week (totally randomly) and they featured an item called the “Booty Pop”! I have a flat butt too! The butt pad remark made me think of this. Just thought I’d pass it along. Maybe we could get you to “Buy it and try it”… like another Utahn we know.

  • watergirl

    @ Lisdom

    Yes, there really are that many Mormons living in Salt Lake. It’s even worse in Utah Valley though.I grew up there. The newspaper here in Salt Lake recently said that the population here is about 65% Mormon. In Utah Valley though I’d say it’s more like 85%. In my High school there were about 2500 students but only about 10 non-mormons. That was 13 years ago though. It’s not as bad now.

  • gretchie

    I took up spinning in Miami when my daughter was about 6 months old b/c my husband kept bugging me to try it. I quit 35 minutes into the class, crying and nauseous. Now, I didn’t feel much shame at that because I’ve never been athletic, so the fact that I stayed on the bike that long was HUGE. The next time I went, I lasted the full hour. It turns out, the secret to getting through is… YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING THE MEAN LADY AT THE FRONT TELLS YOU TO DO!! So long as you do most of it. 🙂 And even someone as non-competitive as me gets wrapped up in the dynamic and doesn’t want to be the only loser not doing the moves. So my resistance isn’t set quite as high as some other people’s… that’s none of their damn business!! Eventually I got a pair of those wonderful pants (b/c saddle soreness makes you walk like an idiot), and a pair of the bike shoes with the clips on the bottom – which are the bomb b/c then you can use your quads to pull the pedals with for added benefit. After a week the soreness in your ass will go away, although with that tail-bone injury… I don’t know. Hang in there. It’s more fun than running. Hopefully you find someone who plays music you like.

  • momof8

    I would have totally cracked up! I would love to be in a spin class with you!

  • ERStolpe

    Ok, so where’s the etiquette book for exercise classes? Because I did one of those ‘special’ things as well. We’re doing floor work and finishing the third rep on a set of particularly challenging ab-thigh-they’re-all-connected moves and mine are screaming. I let out a groan, or was it a moan, and everyone is deeply embarrassed. The instructor admonishes me and I’m all,”What?” I’m sorry, I’m paying for this and I’ll groan when I want. Or not…

  • Mindi Hoellein

    I was scrapbook shopping in Provo one day and this little boy was pulling paper out of the cubbies and throwing it all over the floor while his mom just let him. She walked off, grabbing him by the hand and leaving them mess, and I exclaimed, “You’ve got to be shitting me!” In Provo. Awesome.

  • Squeetthang

    Shit. Unless that bike is spinning by a bar at some point, fuck THAT! If it helps, I often walk to bars.

  • hellodeer

    i’m printing this and bringing it to my spin class here in california. we talk about sex during class – my instructor is going to love this.

  • Fifi Coon

    So – basically – you said what everyone else was thinking but was too afraid to say…………. imagine that!!! My husband does spin class twice a week and keeps trying to convince me I should join him. Too bad he goes during the day while I am at work. NOT!!!

  • everydaytips

    Your experience is exactly why I avoid exercising in any organized class. I was in an aerobics class and the militant instructor ripped on my ‘technique’ repeatedly, and in front of everyone. I hate her to this day. 🙂

  • imogen

    Ha ha ha. Who doesn’t feel “special” after trying to keep up with a spin class?

    There has to be a medical term for the: jello-legs. Guh.

    Hilarious post, as ever.

  • Greta Koenigin

    ‘You spin me right wrong, baby, right wrong like a record, baby, right wrong, wrong, wrong…’

    I am quite familiar with crickets and waves of awkward. Thanks for being inappropriate in Utah. Somebody has to.

  • Hnreading

    HAHA! I love it!
    I too have cause my fair share of awkward silence. Like the time I told my husband’s work colleagues “Yeah my sister referred to apple juice as pee pee juice until she was 6 b/c she thought it was really pee.”

    And they stared at my like I had a nice tall glass of pee pee juice in my hand.

    Well at least I thought it was funny.

  • linuxchik

    LOL! next friday if you go, wear a bike helmet, gloves, sunglasses, and a camelback. the stage has already been set, and later, you’ll get a laugh out of it even if nobody else does.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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