Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Featured community question that my father should just go ahead and skip

Today’s featured question comes yet again from user Brookelyn Bridge, mainly because it is so timely for me:

I’ve mentioned my friend Kate before (and no, this is not going to be a post about my lesbian fantasies, I gave those up when I realized that I really, really like penises), and she has this enormous garden in her backyard where she grows everything: lettuce, tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, asparagus, you name it. I think she may even grow cream cheese and birthday cakes.

I find this really inspiring for several reasons. I mean, it’s great for the environment to grow your own food, but there she is fixing entire meals from food she’s grown in her backyard. She gifted me a potted tomato plant for Mother’s Day, and I was all, dude, you have set me up! I can’t walk away from a challenge, and now I have to do all this work and research to become the valedictorian of potted tomato plants.

If that plant dies I can guarantee you that NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

Anyway, to the point. There is one, I promise. The porn is in here. Sadly, it does not include lacy underwear or talk of anyone’s private bits. Which reminds me… okay. I lied. Private bits, here we come!

I can’t believe I’m going to write about this on this here Family Friendly Website, but the first penis I ever saw was on the small side. Like, tiny. And so going forward that was the benchmark: small and quaint. Hey, little buddy! What’s up, little guy? Here’s a stool you can use to reach the faucet to wash your hands!

And then the second penis I ever saw, wow. AWKWARD. It was supposed to be a special moment, but I thought maybe he was ill, or that something terrible was happening, because it was about ten times the size of the benchmark. And so instead of getting all romantic, I’m leaping backwards screaming ARE YOU OKAY?! THAT CANNOT BE COMFORTABLE. CALL 911! CALL 911!


Where was I? Tomato plant. Right. So, it turns out that our neighborhood is zoned in such a way that we could raise chickens in our backyard. I am not even kidding. Chickens. Like on a farm! COCKADOODLEDO! And since most of Kate’s yard is occupied by her garden, she doesn’t have room for a coop. BUT GUESS WHOSE BACKYARD DOES?

You guys, chickens. Can you imagine the content? I mean, Coco’s reaction alone would fill weeks and weeks of Internet Website Blogging. And I would name them all, and cuddle them, and love them. Fresh eggs every morning! Cluck, cluck, cluck! This is not an insane idea at all!

Except, Jon. He who is known as Armstrong, he actually threatened divorce if I put a chicken coop in our backyard, that’s how strongly he feels about this. Can you believe how unreasonable he’s being? It’s not like I’m asking for a pet pig that lives indoors! (He actually walked out of the room when I brought up that idea. Yesterday.)

All I’m asking for is three or four chickens to call my own. And now whenever I even start to say the word, when he hears the CHHH— he completely explodes and heads for the closet where we keep our luggage. And I find this totally hilarious. Because now I have leverage over his clogs: I have the chickens.

Really? No chickens? THEN NO CLOGS.


And then yesterday morning there was some interaction in our office, and suddenly I get a notice on my phone that Armstrong has tweeted something:

I think that answers the question.

  • amulle03

    I am shocked at all the chicken supporters. All I can say is EWWW!!! They are filthy little things and you’ll have feathers everywhere – ughhhhh!!

  • William

    You went from Tomatos to penises to cocks. Great post.

  • jbeslc

    I live in your valley. I just got the chicken bug after watching Food Inc. (have Jon watch that, maybe it will help your case) and decided I want to know where the hell my food is coming from.

    My husband got on board and next thing you know, I’ve built a bad ass Frank Lloyd Wright-esque coop and got myself 5 little chicks at the local IFA. They are no more difficult to deal with than my big-ass dog and will be ready to move out of my attic and into the coop within a month. Eggs in a few months. No problem raising them in SLC. You’ve just got to pick cold-hardy breeds (oh, I chose “docile” breeds since I’ve got a kidlet, too).

    Good luck.

  • Jessica Eiden Smedley

    Chickens are great, but I do worry about what Coco may do. Are you considering a run or an enclosure?

  • Brea

    Chickens and chicken coops have gained enormous popularity where I live – I know three families that have them.

    One of our friends has a bumper sticker on his truck that reads: My Pet Makes Me Breakfast Everyday. Pretty clever, huh? He also told me that they will eat anything – lizards, mosquito hawks, snails.

    He was recently barbecuing – chicken – and they went crazy for it, trying to fly up on the barbecue and everything. He literally had to kick them back. When I imagine him out there, with his tongs and barbecue sauce, kicking back his chickens…it’s a little disturbing.

    This same family gave us some eggs from their hens, and although I didn’t have one, the yolk was noticably different and richer in color. However, my husband said that they were bland.

    But it’s good to have fantasies! My porn for awhile was chameleons – I researched them online and even considered asking for one for Mother’s Day. They are facinating, low maintenence pets. Too bad we already have too many facinating, low (and high) maintenence pets as it is.

  • ShawnaC

    Have you seen the Eglu by Omlet? My husband totally wants one of those…

  • hanniy

    Chickens are the coolest things ever. We have eleven (down from 25 – lost some to weasels, hawks, etc). If you had three or four, you’d only need a very small coop, and if you don’t eat too many eggs, that may be enough to keep you from having to buy any. And the kids will LOVE them – even when the chickens grow up. My 3 1/2 year old loves to go out in the yard and follow the chickens around. And our three Goldens (mostly) get along with the chickens very well. But if you don’t keep the dogs separate from the chickens…well, let’s just say dogs love to follow them around and eat what they leave behind. Yuck. That’s the worst part – chicken shit breath on the dogs. Oh, but a big plus is that you can give them all of your table scraps – they eat anything (we don’t have a disposal, so that’s huge for us)! It’s a great incentive to keep the fridge cleaned out…

  • Petra

    My husband gave in! We started building our coop last weekend. We have two more weekends to get it done, because in 3 weeks I’m gettin’ me some chickens! And my yard is about the size of a postage stamp. If I can raise chickens in a tiny yard in San Francisco, you can certainly do it at your place! I’ve been promised they will be work than a dog (especially my emotionally needy boxer). And fresh eggs!!! Yum. Can’t wait!

  • Buttons McTavish

    Apologies if this link has already been posted by someone else, but if not, you’ll enjoy the wealth of chicken coop porn within!:

  • Twwly

    Chickens are great. We have a small farm and keep layers and meat birds. 4 layers, 100 meat hens, couple dozen turkeys….etc. Love it. My kids love it. They’re easy to care for and when you’re done with them they are just as easy to butcher as they are to keep.

    What is not great are dogs that bark at chickens. Even if you have a portable, predator proof chicken pen (we pasture our birds in these, fresh grass every day but protected from coyotes, my dog, etc) your chickens will be horribly stressed out if doggydoggertons yaps at them whenever it goes outside.

    I would very much suggest NOT combining chickens and a barking dog.


  • HumHumViz

    Much as I would love to have the fresh eggs, the chickens that my husband is trying to foist on us will have to stay his dream. We already have 2 dogs 3 birds and fish. The guinea pig died finally, I think from boredom and not having his cage cleaned. Every time we get a new animal everyone, including Dad, swears they will be taken care of.

    However, I now know better, they want the perks without the poops, and MOM needs to be on constant alert for starving animals and gross cages needing to be cleaned. Even our plants are at risk like our home is the place they come to die. So until I see some mad farmer skills, there will be no chickens, goats, pigs, or any other living creature who unwittingly puts its life on the line!

    P.S. My porn is camping supply catalogs, Art supply websites and ‘World of Interiors’ (fabulous design mag)

  • BunnyJames

    I think we need to take a few letters off the adorable-ness of chickens, which leaves us with: CHICKS.

    Baby chicks are fluffy, cute, 100% non-cuddly animals that are sweetly hilarious to watch cluck around and play.

    Chickens are beautiful, too, if you are into that. You cannot hug them and love them and name them George, but they are nice to look at.

    But, to get eggs, (and the multi-colored, green and blue and brown eggs ARE lovely) you need a rooster!

    And then you are setting yourself up for an episode of “When Animals Attack!”

    My parents have a dozen hens and a rooster, who is is a vile devilish being who has been possessed by a denomic force which causes him to attack when you go to gather eggs.

    The last time (and I now mean the LAST time forever and ever that I will enter a coop) I went in to get eggs, the rooster flared his feathers like a peacock, make a terrifying squak! and ripped through my JEANS to leave a gaping, ragged, 6″ tear on the back of my leg which was filled with chicken germs! AYE YIE YIE!

    Not to mention– they shit EVERYWHERE. You are up to your ears in other beings poo as it is–do yourself a favor and stay away!

    And the crowing at dawn! Don’t forget the crowing! Your neighbors will throw rotten eggs at your home and bags of flaming dog poo on your porch!(More poo to contend with!)

    You have a wonderful leverage over the clogs–keep it that way!!!! 🙂

    I sincerely feel this amount of exclamation points and capitalizations about this subject. You are too nice of a person to have to deal.

  • missilebird

    BunnyJames—You do NOT need a rooster to get eggs. Hens will lay eggs even if there isn’t a rooster within a 10 mile radius. You only need the rooster if you want fertilized eggs (i.e. chicks).

    Heather, I say go for it. I say this for entirely selfish reasons, as I would love to have some hens clucking about in my backyard, but they aren’t allowed where we live. So you can be my chicken porn. You know, for when just isn’t enough.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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