the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Things you never want to hear our trainer say in the middle of a workout

“Let’s try this. I just made it up in my head.”

“Ready for some fun?” (usually followed by a set of one hundred “fun” push-ups)

“I think you’re ready for more weight.”

“We did this exercise in the class I taught this morning, and only two people died.”

“If you don’t have perfect form on this you’ll dislocate your shoulder.”

“How hard do you want to work?” (usually followed by a workout somewhere in the range of totally impossible to Jon passing out ten minutes in)

“Wow. I was just kidding. I’ve never had a client do that many.”

“This one will really engage your core. That last one was just practice.”

“You don’t look so good. Only do fifty more.”

“This ball was made so that it doesn’t bounce. I want you to dribble it for ten minutes.”

“I’ve never tried this one before. You’re going to be my guinea pig.”

  • dooce

    2010/06/08 at 11:55 am

    Having said all this, I’ve never been in better shape!


    2010/06/08 at 11:57 am

    “Come on maggot!”

    Also: how would swimming be as a workout for you?

  • tracy

    2010/06/08 at 11:58 am

    Come on, you can tell us. You’re secretly a sadist, aren’t you?

  • sherrye22

    2010/06/08 at 12:04 pm

    Ha! How about my trainer’s favorite:
    “This will look funny, but will hurt SO good tomorrow!”

  • Jacquie

    2010/06/08 at 12:10 pm

    Also “Let’s drop a level and bring your heart rate down just a smidge. Where did I put those notes from defibrillator training?”

  • MsKathleen

    2010/06/08 at 12:14 pm

    I don’t like that look in your eye, drop and give me 50! Are you sure your trainer isn’t a drill sergeant in disguise?

  • RathrBeAtWrigley

    2010/06/08 at 12:24 pm

    I’m getting married in six months and I have 60 pounds to loose. My first workout with my trainer is Wednesday. I’m scared.

  • cateyb

    2010/06/08 at 12:24 pm

    500 years ago “personal trainers” worked in dungeons seeing how long they could torture someone without actually killing them.
    I don’t think much has changed except now we, the tortured, pay them for their services.

  • ChickWhitt

    2010/06/08 at 12:27 pm

    And yet, they all sound like good things if you are saying them in the bedroom…

    “You look like you could use more weight, honey”

    “I’ve never tried this one before, you can be my guinea pig”

    “Wow, I was just kidding, I’ve never had a partner do that many”

  • tracy

    2010/06/08 at 12:31 pm

    PS, you’re a badass. Where the hell do you get your everlasting energy from? Caffeine drip?

  • barbara

    2010/06/08 at 12:35 pm

    My parents are trainers, so I’ve heard these all before!

  • mommyoffour

    2010/06/08 at 12:37 pm

    “That’s all for this morning. See you after lunch for the next session!”

  • TexasKatie

    2010/06/08 at 12:44 pm

    This is why I don’t have a trainer.

    Oh wait. I don’t have the money for a trainer. But if I DID have money, I wouldn’t have a trainer, because they are mean!

  • Greta Koenigin

    2010/06/08 at 1:32 pm

    Trainers are the great equalizers. They take famous people and treat them like they’re unlovable Bendaroos. I don’t know if this helps, but I hear that even Metallica goes through it.

  • simpliSAHM

    2010/06/08 at 1:57 pm

    My “trainer” is the Hubby. When we work out I always hear some annoying version of: “Come on, pick it up, this is exercise!” He likes to remind me that he’s no where near as tough as “Jillian” (Biggest Loser) but frankly, I’d much rather take her abuse than hear Hubby’s oh-so-helpful proddings.

  • all my user names are taken

    2010/06/08 at 2:42 pm

    And yet you don’t shower every day?

    Just sayin…

  • dooce

    2010/06/08 at 2:46 pm

    I always shower when I work out.

  • hoosiergirl1962

    2010/06/08 at 3:02 pm

    Did the tyrant hire the trainer?? Because he sounds like they could be related or something….

  • teamcraun

    2010/06/08 at 3:11 pm

    “our” trainer? After only reading these quips, I am ever so grateful that I do not have one… 🙂

  • Ray1987

    2010/06/08 at 3:27 pm

    They just want you to die. Don’t they? LOL! =P

  • J. Bo

    2010/06/08 at 6:02 pm

    Your trainer is a psychotic Nazi off his meds…

  • Lauranh

    2010/06/08 at 6:56 pm

    “There’s no shame in throwing up.” Said to me as my head was between my knees…

  • Toots

    2010/06/08 at 7:23 pm

    I’m a personal trainer. And I am laughing really hard right now. That dribbling one really cracked me up!

  • m2h

    2010/06/08 at 7:27 pm

    First time to the gym…ever…and the skinny little wiry man says “okay, first let me measure your backfat”. Last time to the gym…ever.

  • Hagan Squared

    2010/06/08 at 7:49 pm

    “This ball was made so that it doesn’t bounce. I want you to dribble it for ten minutes.”

    I am cracking up! I know exactly what ball you are talking about. I hate that effing thing.

  • Brea

    2010/06/08 at 9:32 pm

    My personal trainer said to me once:

    “That’s great! Really good work, except you’re on the machine backwards…”

  • Abra Cat

    2010/06/09 at 4:18 am

    I much prefer my exercise method– walk up a big hill, then walk down it, conveniently landing in my friend’s yard, where she hands me a beer.

  • Ranger

    2010/06/09 at 7:06 am

    Oh, thank you. I am too old to have a trainer. The first session would cause a massive event and kill me.

    Disclaimer: Not that Ranger …

  • denice

    2010/06/09 at 9:45 am

    my favorite:

    “This ball was made so that it doesn’t bounce. I want you to dribble it for ten minutes.”

    also, Abra Cat is onto something….


    2010/06/09 at 8:44 pm

    Bossy’s “trainer” is her young daughter, trying to interpret the instructions that came with Bossy’s newly purchased Core Ball — which sounds a lot like variations of this, “And now you drape your upper body over the ball and throw your legs in the air…”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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