the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Things you never want to hear our trainer say in the middle of a workout

“Let’s try this. I just made it up in my head.”

“Ready for some fun?” (usually followed by a set of one hundred “fun” push-ups)

“I think you’re ready for more weight.”

“We did this exercise in the class I taught this morning, and only two people died.”

“If you don’t have perfect form on this you’ll dislocate your shoulder.”

“How hard do you want to work?” (usually followed by a workout somewhere in the range of totally impossible to Jon passing out ten minutes in)

“Wow. I was just kidding. I’ve never had a client do that many.”

“This one will really engage your core. That last one was just practice.”

“You don’t look so good. Only do fifty more.”

“This ball was made so that it doesn’t bounce. I want you to dribble it for ten minutes.”

“I’ve never tried this one before. You’re going to be my guinea pig.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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