An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

In defense of football

A couple of weeks ago when I was in New York for HGTV I grabbed a quick drink at the hotel bar before the car to the airport arrived, taking a seat right underneath a giant flat screen TV that was tuned to The World Cup. There were only a few other people there, and suddenly I heard a really loud, obnoxious voice from behind me complaining about “this boring soccer crap.” And when I turned around to see who he was talking to, I noticed he had a fancy set of golf clubs sewn on the left chest of his shirt. Did I just sum up America in that last bit, or what?

I mean, boring? Have you even seen a match? Because boring is certainly not the first word that comes to mind when I’m watching one. Sexy, yes. HOLY BATSHIT INSANE, totally. Those guys are running, like, a hundred miles and looking mighty fine while doing so. How hard is it to look that good while just standing there on a patch of grass while whacking a ball with a pole? Not really, but how many SO HOT I JUST MIGHT ORGASM FROM STANDING NEAR THE TELEVISION golf players have you ever seen?

Well, I guess if you’re really turned on by a beer gut.

  • sarahdjennings

    I think I saw a relative of this guy last week. He was wearing a t-shirt that said:

    “This is not a beer belly, it’s a gas tank for a sex machine”.

    Now THAT is America for you, folks.

  • mihow

    Do I have to say I love you again? No. No, I do not.

    I adore soccer. And it’s fine if people do not. My only request is, when people don’t like it, I wish they would not like it quietly—like I do when it comes to baseball.

  • chrisdennis

    Anthony Kim.
    Luke Donald.
    Aaron Baddeley.

    I rest my case.

    (I’m a huuuuge fan of golf, and not so much with the soccer.)

  • Cissyrene

    Haha, not only all that… but have you watched GOLF!? Omg, watching the fake grass grow would be more fun. Plus, the golf clap takes all the fun out of ANYTHING.

  • raspberryripple

    England keeper…oh my…my English husband wasn’t the only Mr. Pouty Pants around our house when they lost the other day…

  • territorial

    Mr. Palmer was hot in his day.

    Wow, I can’t believe I just typed that.

  • srising

    I really like watching soccer, especially the World Cup. It’s so exciting and disappointing at the same time. When the game is over, the losing team looks SO SAD!

    Also, the Spanish national team has the hottest players. Really.

  • srising

    And watching golf is boring!!!

  • Ariel

    Did you SEE the Australian Soccer team?
    I sat there growling. My husband was NOT amused.
    Thank God for dvr.

  • TriptikGirl

    The Argentina team is by far the hottest! My husband couldn’t complain that I was drooling because I was voluntarily watching sports.

    Golf puts me to sleep, much faster than the drone of those obnoxious vuvuzelas…

  • Jenni

    Golf. Srsly. Next time I pass a golf course, I am taking out the bee swarm horns.

  • solaana

    Screw chickens (so to speak) – this is my porn. It is wonderful and so so heartbreaking that it only happens every 4 years. (I know there’s profesh soccer in Europe but I want all these guys, on one team, according to nationality, damnit!)

  • Betsy

    I am a little offended that a buffoon sums up America for you. But I am really more interested in all the hot soccer players. And yes, Argentina, yes.

  • tallnoe

    I’m LOVING the world cup. Not just because of how excited everyone is getting. I mean, everyone is getting excited, but OMG, the HOTNESS!


    That’s all.

  • newbuffalomom

    Brazil team is yummy. Go Millnar. 🙂
    Too bad Kaka is married.

  • Agent Scully

    A thousand times YES!

    You’ll always have the Americans who hate football because it’s popular “over there” (meaning everywhere else). But I’m ecstatic to see so many Americans getting into the sport with this World Cup. It’s a great game, anyone can play, it’s not slowed down by all the replays and the men! THE MEN! We’ve got sweat and abs and shirt exchanges… Did I mention THE ABS?

    (P.S. My reCaptcha is “sweat goods”. Yes. Yes they do.)

  • Greta Koenigin

    Actually, America is full of ardent soccer fans. The golf community does not sum up America. Just that 10% or so that gets all the attention.

  • simonecv

    Thank you!!! You’re the the first American I see defending footbal and, as I’m brazillian, i now love you forever! 😀

  • Utahcouple

    Amen sister – soccer is H-O-T especially if the team takes off their shirt at the end of the game. There was a funny video on The Onion last week that featured “Soccer comes out as gay”. Good times.

  • Brea

    I know little to nothing of sports. I was never Sporty Spice in high school, nor did I participate in a league of any kind. I just couldn’t whip up enough enthusiasm to chase a ball – I mean, really, what’s the point?

    That said, even though I don’t understand or know the rules of a sport, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have an appreciation for the athleticism (read: HOTNESS) and hard work that it takes.

    I had never seen the World Cup before Saturday, but I could only watch briefly. Those vuvuzelas (I learned this word the same day) sounded too much like a swarm of bees. That cancels out hot athleticism in my book any day.

  • susanfishy

    Preach it, sister!

  • fleuris

    Meh… I’m more peeved by the fact that NOBODY CARES about soccer for ages, then world cup comes around and all everybody wants to talk about is soccer, their favorite team, scores etc.

    I could care less… now stop honking your horn every time your team wins!!!1 They can’t hear you from here, and you’re only bothering everyone else… GAH.

  • playrawkstar


  • Wookie

    …and the refs aren’t too bad either. One was so hot I murmured “oh my” and involuntarily started fanning myself a la Scarlett O’hara. Then had to explain to Husband that “oh, uh, that judge-guy is very handsome.” Husband: “‘that judge-guy’ is called a ref and I’ve been told I’m handsome.” Yes, yes you are honey, let’s get you some shin guards and knee socks.

  • Carynami

    As long as Wayne Rooney is not on your list of ‘hot’, I’ll agree with you. Not a huge fan of the game due to having the English premier league shoved down my throat when I lived there… but the Dutch, Spanish, and S. American teams are something else.

  • JulieTheBloggerDotCom

    I will admit that I was totally unapparent to the concept of soccer until word cup (proving the point of Fleuris, above….)and that maybe David Beckham is kind of cute…

  • Amanda Brumfield

    Personally, I’m a tennis person, but them soccer boys sure is purty.

  • jacqueline

    footballers be pimpin.

  • Taunt


  • adventuregirl77

    Okay so did you see Brazil play Chile today? Um, wow! I watched it at the gym while on the treadmill and I almost tripped a couple of times staring at those guys. I was bummed when I thought it was Brazil v. China (BRA v. CHI) but instantly became enthralled when I realized my mistake. The Brazil guys alone would have been good, but seriously both together, wow! A trip to South America would be too much eye candy.

    Alecia @ Hoobing Family Adventures

  • maggiemacleod

    Ugh. Amen to that…welcome to America. When I lived in Europe as a child, we’d get out of school for soccer games. One more reason I grew up thinking it was the best sport ever invented.

  • Enatural7

    Ok, I don’t really know any golf players or soccer players but, I have to believe that the soccer players beat the golf players in the hotness category hands down. They work out for a living.

  • bambooska

    Was this post dedicated to the fans of soccer? Yeah? WELL THANKS! ‘Cause I can’t stop talking about it. I might be just boring maybe a dozen golfer players but… well, I don’t care. It’s so fun to watch. 😀

  • Truthful Mommy

    I come from a long line of footballers and I have always loved the sport but once I hit puberty I had a brand new appreciation for it:)Speaking of which, you may like to check out this piece of art work..

    Oh, how I love me some football boys! Sorry, golfers..most are fat and middle-aged, not exactly the stealth ,sweaty,hotness that I dream about!Kaka! Ronaldo!Pretty much the whole Argentinian team!Oh, how I love me some footballer boys!

  • jennisdrinking

    I’ve got nothing against soccer, and heaven help me, if my daughter continues to play it, I’ll probably evolve into a soccer mom (OOF!!)

    But c’mon, in the states when you refer to “football”, the NFL better be involved.

  • Buttons McTavish

    If you think the footballers/soccer players are that hot, just wait till you watch Aussie Rules Football (which is different from rugby). I don’t even like watching sports, but when I lived in Melbourne, I never minded watching “footy” because all of the players were well fit, they didn’t have padding on every joint or muscle, their uniforms don’t leave much to the imagination, they like to keep the game moving as much as possible and they love to pants one another from time to time! Ha!

  • Essembee

    I love you for calling it football.

  • shauna

    Wanted to add my love for calling it FOOTBALL 🙂 The perve factor hasn’t been as high for me since Zidane retired but I am scouring for new talent every day 🙂


    Pfffff you wouldn’t see men drooling over women like that – sheesh! 😉

    Great that you’re supporting football regardless – and did you know that all work, in all firms, completely stops during matches of the national team, when they’re, say, playing at 13.30/16.00? Everybody just sits down and watches 🙂

    PS. reCaptcha words: parties swindled

  • Laura Jones

    This actually references the cousin picture, Yay! to Leta. My identical twin nieces have the right to pinch me when I get their names wrong. I know which one is which after that because N. always will and L. never will.

  • maychia

    THANK YOU!!! You have summed it up perfectly.

    As someone who is half-Brasilian, I am waiting for the day that the real futbol becomes more mainstream here in the USA. The World Cup is definitely my porn and every game I watch with my partner, I tell him which players I would leave him for!!!

    And Kaka is dreamy – too bad all the Brasilian players are married except Julio Baptista (who’s getting married next month anyways!).

  • serenmorwenna

    I love me some football especially if the Germans are playing.

    They have by far got the hottest team. Podolski. Klose. Friedrich. Gomez. Trochowski. I could seriously go on people. As a Brit I was very sad when England lost on saturday BUT it does mean I get to watch more Germany games.

  • Marinka

    I’m okay with people not liking soccer. I try not to discriminate against the FUCKING INSANE.

  • TexasKatie

    Do all these commenters actually like soccer all that much? I somehow doubt it. No one cares about the sport normally. I mean, we don’t even call it by its real NAME here in the states.

    As far as golf goes, not all golfers have beer guts. But I agree that it is not an exciting sport to watch. I have never understood how someone could sit in front of the tv watching a golf match for hours. I’d rather watch paint dry.

  • sarahlincoln

    One for the ladies… ‘The non-football fans guide to the world cup’

  • shazzanorth

    Rugby – now that is one hot sport. Soccer is pretty too.

  • Agent Scully

    Marinka well said!

    And I’m all in with serenmorwenna. Germany is the hottest team. Podolski, Trochowski and Gomez. My personal divine trinity.

  • jen t

    Thank you for this post. It totally made my day!

  • karenarens

    Actually, I don’t think that interaction “sums up America.” First, I think it’s small-minded for people around the world to think we’re morons because we don’t all embrace soccer/football. Games we cherish are dictated by what we grew up with – I love watching baseball and hockey. That doesn’t make me a simple-minded bigot; it just makes me a product of my environment. Just like all those people around the world who are a product of their childhood spent watching soccer. I completely support their enthusiasm for their sport, but I don’t have to pretend to enjoy it. This is one of the few countries in the world where we actually value “live and let live” so let the golfer in the bar have his opinion. And please don’t use it as an opportunity to pigeonhole what American’s cherish as worthless.

  • Santoferraro

    Wow I never watched soccer before, but based on what Heather has to say about the hot guys…I’ll be tuning in!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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