the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Last one standing

This morning when I checked the weather on my phone it said it was nine degrees outside. I know, you live in the Arctic tundra and routinely have to kill caribou, climb inside the carcass and use its dwindling body heat to remain warm. Cleaning your iPad after that must be the worst.

This is not normal for Utah, and it just happens to be the winter where I’m doing the best I can to save money on my heating bill. The heat is on in the girls’ rooms and in the living room where they spend most of their time. However, I do not have heat in my bedroom or bathroom. The thermostat last night said it was 51 degrees in there. So I killed a caribou and slept inside it.

A few days after Christmas an awful cold hit Marlo, and now every single person who has come in contact with her has it. Everyone, and that includes Tyrant, Dane, Leta, and my cousin. Everyone except me, and now that I have released that sentence into the Universe I’ll be sick by 9 PM tonight. But don’t worry, I won’t notice because the caribou will have started to stink and I’ll be all WHOA.

Why am I the last one standing? Is it because I routinely exercise? Are all those rumors/myths about gluten FOR REAL and my immune system is stronger because I don’t consume it? Maybe this cold just does not like me. It’s all, you know if I infect that crazy bitch she will exaggerate the shit out of it. PASS.

Oh you sad little vindictive cold. Come here, I’ll rub your head and you can tell me why you’re so angry. No, I don’t eat gluten, but there is ice cream in my freezer specifically for occasions like this. I bought your favorite.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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