the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Again, roses might work, too

Women are so much easier to shop for than men, at least it seems like that when I try to come up with ideas for different holidays. Heart-shaped measuring spoons? Fantastic. A cute sleeping mask? That is going to complement everything else on her nightstand. A tea towel? She just might have that framed and hung in her kitchen right above the jar of flower that is shaped like a fox.

Just make her promise that she won’t stage some sort of shot with any of this next to a goddamn cup of cappuccino.

1. Alice + Olivia Zenden Embroidered Dress $148.50

2. Odds & Ends Plate $40

3. Kate Spade Glitter Coaster Set $35

4. Bat-Your-Lashes Bralette $128

5. Sex Bomb Bath Bomb by LUSH $12

6. You’ve Stolen My Heart Card by Scissor Monkeys $5.50

7. Larsson & Jennings Läder Suede and Gold Plated Watch $335

8. Glass Jar $9.95

9. XO Stud Earrings $45

10. Wildfox Be Mine Sleep Mask $28

11. I Have Love In My Heart For You by Zelma Rose $25

12. Orla Kiely Eau de Parfum $48

13. DCI Heart Measuring Spoons, Set of 4 $6.05

14. Joplynn Bootie $129.98

15. ‘I Woke Up Like This’ Tea Towel $18

16. Kate Spade Heart of Gold Bangle $32

17. Heart-Embroidered Crepe Playsuit $90

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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