Email

From: L.
Subject: The No Poop Policy

I thought you may enjoy this conversation I had with a coworker yesterday.

We work in a fairly large [place of employment disguised because no one else should get in trouble for this website] center where the admin department is at the top of the building near…gasp…the employee bathroom. This is a joke in itself because we have ONE bathroom we are all supposed to use. We aren’t allowed to sit our asses on the bathrooms downstairs where [patrons] go potty, that just wouldn’t be right.

My nearly perfect coworker noticed that one of our fellow coworkers entered the bathroom with a magazine, stayed in for quite some time and left. A strange odor seeped from that employee bathroom and lingered throughout the admin area. She, the nearly perfect coworker, came to my office and told me she thinks we should implement a “no poop policy” at work. She went on to tell me that pooping is something you never do outside of your own home. She casually mentioned that if she needs to do the deed, she will drive home from Walmart or wherever she may be, to poop. She spoke in a hushed voice and was quite serious.

I suppose I looked a little surprised, because, I am a work pooper. I do poop at work and I’m not about to hold my poop all day, drive like a bat out of hell to get home, fly through the front door and lunge onto the toilet so I can finally poop after a long day at the office. I have suffered the pains of constipation, I am not about to wait for the comforts of the home toilet. When its time to go, its time to go no matter where I may be!

I think everyone at my office needs to stand up for their rights and make sure this non-pooping coworker doesn’t go to the top and get this No Poop Policy implemented.

I hope that all work poopers in the world will stand together, stand up with their toilet paper held high and say “I am a work Pooper!”

——

Internet, I was a work pooper. Now that I work from home I am still a work pooper, but that doesn’t really count. I once dated a guy who refused to go poop in a public place including work, and if he had to go poop he’d take a fifteen minute break, drive home, poop, and then drive back to work. That relationship didn’t last very long for several reasons, one of them being his poop policy (if he felt that way about pooping, he’d never get used to my farting), and another reason being that he always, and I mean ALWAYS, asked if I had come yet within the first 20 seconds of initiating sex. I understand the meaning of “hurry it along,” but show me a woman who can come in less than 20 seconds and I’ll show you a liar.

If you are a woman and you can come in less than 20 seconds PLEASE SHARE WITH THE WORLD YOUR SECRET, YOU BITCH.

I always found it funny as well when I would enter the bathroom at work and someone would STOP PEEING in the middle of their pee session, as if I hadn’t ever heard the sound of pee hitting porcelain in my life and would be offended by the sound of it IN A BATHROOM. Are coworkers arrogant enough to think that we don’t know they pee and poop? JESUS TOOK SHITS, PEOPLE. And, I know this will be hard to believe, but so does Oprah.

I understand that there are certain limits to what you do and do not need to know about what someone in the stall next to you is doing, and while it’s safe to assume that water or poop is being made, I am certainly not like a man when it comes to tolerating grunting or moaning. I would never watch porn involving excrement, and likewise I don’t want the sounds of sex echoing off the tiles if I’m trying to pee. I’ll keep those separate, thank you very much.

But back to the original point (I could talk about poop much longer than you’d be willing to read about it), I do think it’s time for work poopers to stand and unite. Be ye no more ashamed. An empty colon is a happy colon is a happy coworker is a happy America is no more women being asked if they’ve come yet BEFORE THEY’VE EVEN GOTTEN STARTED.