Lists

1. Things I would like to do to Britney Spears:
a) CENSORED
b) CENSORED
c) CENSORED

2. Things I shouldn’t say to my parents:
a) Shit
b) Vote Democrat
c) Holy Be-Jesus Fuckballs

3. Things I shouldn’t eat when the threat of possible blotation could ruin a perfectly good outfit:
a) Fresh broccoli
b) Canned chili
c) Those four bean burritos and that plate of potato salad

4. People I’d Like to toss off a bridge:
a) Gwyneth Paltrow
b) Carson Daly
c) Ted Nugent

5. Reasons to adore The Roommate:
a) His camera
b) Jongolian Barbecue
c) The smell of aftershave and designer deodorant

6. Drinks I will order from the open bar at the company Christmas party this evening:
a) Belvedere Vodka Martini, straight up, olive
b) Maker’s Mark on the rocks
c) Whatever he’s having, but make mine a double

7. Co-workers I cannot wait to see get punch drunk at the company Christmas party this evening:
a) The Asian database administrator
b) The Asian java programmer
c) The Asian network administrator who speaks neither English nor Asian

8. Nicknames I’m tossing about:
a) Clean Ya Teetha
b) Dooce Cougar Mellencamp
c) Ice D.

8. People I would thank if I ever won an Oscar:
a) Prince and The Revolution
b) Jason Kottke’s mother
c) Justin Timberlake nude

9. People I would blame if I ever got arrested:
a) The entire BYU administration
b) Republicans
c) OJ Simpson

10. Things I’d love to eat right now but won’t because I have to wear a dress to the company Christmas party this evening:
a) An entire HoneyBaked Ham
b) Four bean burritos and a plate of potato salad
c) That whole bag of M&M’s sitting on my boss’s desk.