the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A List of Lists I Need to Make And Three Possible Examples From Each List To Make a Point

1. Things I would like to do to Britney Spears:

2. Things I shouldn’t say to my parents:
a) Shit
b) Vote Democrat
c) Holy Be-Jesus Fuckballs

3. Things I shouldn’t eat when the threat of possible blotation could ruin a perfectly good outfit:
a) Fresh broccoli
b) Canned chili
c) Those four bean burritos and that plate of potato salad

4. People I’d Like to toss off a bridge:
a) Gwyneth Paltrow
b) Carson Daly
c) Ted Nugent

5. Reasons to adore The Roommate:
a) His camera
b) Jongolian Barbecue
c) The smell of aftershave and designer deodorant

6. Drinks I will order from the open bar at the company Christmas party this evening:
a) Belvedere Vodka Martini, straight up, olive
b) Maker’s Mark on the rocks
c) Whatever he’s having, but make mine a double

7. Co-workers I cannot wait to see get punch drunk at the company Christmas party this evening:
a) The Asian database administrator
b) The Asian java programmer
c) The Asian network administrator who speaks neither English nor Asian

8. Nicknames I’m tossing about:
a) Clean Ya Teetha
b) Dooce Cougar Mellencamp
c) Ice D.

8. People I would thank if I ever won an Oscar:
a) Prince and The Revolution
b) Jason Kottke’s mother
c) Justin Timberlake nude

9. People I would blame if I ever got arrested:
a) The entire BYU administration
b) Republicans
c) OJ Simpson

10. Things I’d love to eat right now but won’t because I have to wear a dress to the company Christmas party this evening:
a) An entire HoneyBaked Ham
b) Four bean burritos and a plate of potato salad
c) That whole bag of M&M’s sitting on my boss’s desk.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more