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the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Book
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the smell of my desperation has become a stench

me

Thirty Seven

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I am so sorry. I really messed up and hurt many o

I am so sorry.

I really messed up and hurt many of you, and I apologize. No excuses. I know this is too little too late. But I made a terrible choice. And I hurt you. I disappointed people who mean the world to me.

When I heard a chorus of strangers basically saying to me, “The world would be better without you in it,” my brain had before then already veered in that direction. And here strangers were confirming it. The molecules in my body that manifest anxiety transformed into a mushroom cloud.

But instead of doing what I should have done which is to point out that this is what POC, especially black people, experience every single day of their lives if not multiple times a day — not because they have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, but because of people like me — I made the wrong choice. And I was experiencing only the tiniest, atom-sized amount of what they live.

I have learned most about my privilege and the brutality white people have inflicted on black people through listening to black voices. Listening to them and reading them and believing them. If you have a favorite book about racial inequality and its history in this country that you’d suggest for adults or for children, I’d love for you to recommend it. I’ll do a round up of them all next week.

Again. I was wrong. And I am sorry that I hurt you.

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