Pictorial Recap of a Very Hurtful Holiday

This is my cousin discovering the new habit of walking around with his pants pulled down around his ankles.

This is Jon silently freaking out at the price of water ($4.00/bottle) on the room service menu at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

This is the green chair in our room at the Hard Rock. Other than the gigantic semen stain on the right side of the cushion, it was a very comfortable chair.

This is the bed in our room at the Hard Rock. It reminds me of a bed you might see in a really creepy scene from a Kubrick movie.

This is really creepy me taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror at the Hard Rock. I’m not sure what the “V” on my sweater is supposed to signify, but I think I was pretty successful at convincing everyone that night that it totally stood for “Virgin.”

This is the sunrise outside the window at the Hard Rock, because there’s no such thing as a sunset in Las Vegas.

This is our friend Pat (on the left) and Kent (on the right) outside the Mormon temple in St. George, Utah, about an hour and a half from Las Vegas. Pat was getting married and was about to end a 32-year streak of not getting any.

This is me and our friend Velia outside the St. George Temple reenacting the sacred ceremonies performed within.

This is Velia’s nine month old baby, Miles. You can’t really tell from this photo, but that kid’s head smelled just like vanilla ice cream and I almost ate him.

This is our friend Pat and his lovely new bride Rebecca, right after exchanging vows inside the temple. Notice the heavenly glow about the heavenly couple. It must be God.

This is The Dirty Three: me, Jon, and Sam outside the temple. However, Sam was clean enough that they let him inside the temple.

This is our friend Mike and sometimes he is a pimp.

This is our friend Mike and our new friend Nick. Sometimes Nick is a disco ball.

This me and scrumptious bearded Armstrong, moments before the Absolut Kurant hit like a motherfuking truck.

This is me trying earnestly to be as pimp-like as Mike. I want to be like Mike.

This is Jon telling me, baby, you should really stop trying to be like Mike.

This is me singing Britney’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time” on the karoake machine, moments after the Absolut Kurant hit me like a motherfucking truck.

This is Jon singing Charlie Daniel’s Band “Devil Went Down to Georgia” on the karaoke machine. I’d say the Absolut Kurant hit him more like an economy-size Toyota than a motherfucking truck, but we all can’t hold our liquor like an Armstrong, now can we.

This is me taking a photo of Jon because he was just so cute and because I was just so drunk.

This is Mike singing Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5″ on the karaoke machine.

This is a group of random people at this great karoake party. I can’t remember any of their names.

This is more random people. I think I remember the blonde girl on the right talking earlier in the night about how her dress was cutting off her fucking circulation at her fucking underarms, and then she apologized to her niece who was sitting across the room, so fucking sorry for saying fuck. I really think I should hang out with her more.

This is me singing the bassline to Cher’s “Believe” because I was too drunk to get actual words out. And there is the fucking underarm circulation lady. She totally rocks.

This is Mike and we love him dearly.

– All photos by Jon and Heather Armstrong, except for the one of The Dirty Three, that one was taken by a 2-year old.

  • Dirtious

    Where are the old old archives? bring back the angry dooce on the “go pill!”
    Thanks

  • http://notsosimple.net/blog/ meegan

    heather, you are the cutest thing since… i don’t know what, hehee.

  • L.A. Grump

    I’ll never stay at the Hard Rock again. On the wall behind the front desk are the words “Here we are now, entertain us. – Kurt Cobain” That’s so fucking deep, man. Blow me.

  • http://www.lynnettecook.com/blog.htm Lynnette

    Heather — I ran across your site last year in April or so. I really enjoyed it, and was bummed when you took it offline. I just re-discovered your site this week, and was glad that you’ve revived it. Good luck in Utah!

  • http://www.injust-spring.com Alex

    I may just have to go over there to steal your “V” sweater, but first I’ll have to kiss your absolutely fucking adorable forehead….then I’ll take the sweater and run!

  • axl

    man are you people good-looking.

  • sheila

    i have a piggy bank that looks something like your cute pigs. i keep my wheat pennies in it.

  • http://www.thesafeword.com/daily/kerry.html Kerry

    Dooce, you are such a total babe. I thought it was impossible for anyone to look hot while doing kareoke, but you and Mister Armstrong totally pulled it off. You guys should have your own kareoke porn or something.

  • http://www.mediasparkles.com/blog Vera

    My boyfriend’s forehead smells just like a baby’s head. Why make a new one when I already got one?

  • Anonymous

    The heavenly couple: Pat looks like he knows the streak is about to end, while Rebecca has a look on her face as if the thought has just dawned on her that she is about to become a human pin-cushion.

  • http://www.completesquare.org jason

    when i grow up, i want sarah b. to be you.

  • http://www.pumpkinjuice.com Jenny

    Wow, this is my fav. set of photos yet! I can’t get over how familiar you look, Heather. Are you from Davis County?

    Hay Arrancia, if you are from Bntfl, what high school did you go to? This may just be a dorky UT renioun.

    By the way, H, your fucking beautiful.

  • http://www.tangomoon.ca/journal.html Amanda

    I have this sudden urge to do some heavy ‘under the influence’ karaoke.

  • moose

    Tiny dooce relatives seem to have a thing for bottom systems? Fun pix.

  • http://www.applebox.org angela

    <3 Good stuff.

  • SnarkyPup

    Two thoughts:
    1) A bottle of water is five bucks at the Sheraton Hotel in New York.
    2) The quote from Kurt Cobain at the Hard Rock is a great line when it’s in the original song, but stripped of all irony and put on a hotel wall like a quote from fucking Jefferson or something it’s just wrong, wrong, wrong.

  • http://Joga-luce.com/silke Dirty Silke

    yay for the temple ritual reinactment scene!! i’d like to see a whole series of those. great photos, great blog. x’s and o’s
    The Silke

  • http://www.robynreid.com robyn

    always good pictures. always good laughs.

  • http://shotwise.com shotwise

    sorry 2ce. didn’t mean to be mean.

  • http://www.moveablebeast.com peggy

    Mike looks familiar. I think I bought a Camaro from him in Reno.

  • Lovely

    Very nice.

  • http://www.cafemocha.co.uk David

    First of all I want to know how you *knew* it was semen. Secondly, you’re the second woman I’ve heard say something about the smell of babies heads in 3 days. I’d never heard it before. This worries me.

  • pickle

    A sight to amuse/interest you… It’s about Utah naming traditions! :)
    http://www.wesclark.com/ubn/

  • http://www.turbonerd.com Chris

    Great pics! It scares me a little that you chose to sing Cher’s “Believe,” which is a song that drives me absolutely nuts, but it looks like you had an excellent time. (The photo of the kid with the pants around the ankles is pretty goddamn terrific.)