• http://blab-o-rama.com Beerzie Boy

    Smackdowns on Golf Geeks are ALWAYS good.

  • http://www.absolutecenter.org/int kym

    Wait until you have kids. It only gets worse. :)

  • http://www.slackcircus.com Jay

    In my imaginary conclusion to this story, the golf pussy guy is actually married to the telemarketer cunt lady.

  • http://buzzsaw.blogspot.com the propagandist

    funny, i’m usually too busy promising to pay vet bills to ever get to my IS martha stewart living article on how to conceal illicit stock profits within various household items…

  • http://footinmouthdisease.blogspot.com Naaman

    Poor Chuck.

  • http://fotolog.net/xtimu/ xtimu

    Maybe if you stop warshing your hair & start wearing those mee-maw housecoats you can rid of those irritating trailer guys by just lifting your arm and pointing downwind.

    Good luck! Utah — just like LA & the rest of this Bush voting G-D forsaken country — is the home a phreakin unwashed masses & lunatics.

  • Artemesia

    “R.o.U.S.es, I don’t think they exist …”

    One of my favorite movies, thanks for reminding me!

  • http://www.eddoandco.com eddeaux

    I love martha stewart- on my site, I have a “things I hate to admit” section and it says- I read Martha Stewart Living- any self-respecting man of 295 pounds would not admit to this, but hey- I have no self-respect.

    Love the Martha, Love the Button Crafts- love everything.

  • http://www.antisocialdiva.com antisocial diva

    what’s the recipe for?

  • http://www.peavinewinds.com/weblog/ certified

    Damn that’s a good one. Was the guy shirtless? You forgot to mention the shirt. Dammit.

  • http://hammerland.net/ Xanthan

    Ouch… my tummy hurts from laughing so hard.

    Can’t wait to read who gets the next gynocolically inspired epithet hurled in their direction. Have fun storming the castle, Dooce.

  • Allan

    What? No pictures of Chuck frollicking in the stomach fluid looking mud?

    I’m disappointed.

  • Allan (Again)

    One more thing.

    Just saw your “Feeling Guilty:” entry for today.

    Ain’t WiFi GREAT!

    And don’t feel guilty. You are not alone.

  • http://www.swirlspice.com Erica

    People actually say “mee-maw”? I thought that was just the crazy “full of grace” grandma from Pecker.

  • http://www.billdugan.com/log/ bill

    Kolob. Well golly, that’s what that weird logo was on the back of all those Osmond records.

    Dooce, you have solved a 25-year-old mystery. I gotta go call my sister now.

  • http://www.darthmiles.com da

    what is it about magazines that say to a potential intruder, “go ahead, he’s not busy, it’s just a garden magazine, begin talking”. whereas a book, esp. a nice thick one says: stay the fuck away you fuckity fuck.

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    I’m still stuck (no pun intended) on “barb wire panties.”

  • http://www.megchem.com megchem

    LOL…..my dog does the same damn thing, the dirty bastard! And seriously wtf is up with the button issue? And your comment on golf….hehehe…well said, totally agree!

  • http://www.megchem.com megchem

    Oh yeah….and as a mom of a 6 year old….you are sooooo ready to attend pta socials, it is scarily (is that a word) similar to the dog park…

  • http://volume22.blogspot.com/ Scott

    My dad’s sister’s grandchildren call her “mee-maw”. And they’re adults. It’s always annoyed me to no end.

  • http://punkly.com/know kate

    angel food cake, no?

  • LA Resident

    I love anyone who uses “Rodent of Unusual Size” in a sentence. You have to be super cool.

    And, on another note, have you ever wondered why anyone thinks it is ANY OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS how you afforded your house? Really, get a fucking clue people and mind some of your own business.

    Congratulations on the new digs and the new life. You both really deserve it and no one needs to know how you pay for it. Or if you have a job. Sheesh. They are just jealous because you have a life.

  • w

    martha stewart living is my guilty pleasure, dooce. that, and murder she wrote reruns. really.

  • eponymous

    Excellent. The only thing worst than Tivo thinking I am gay is Amazon thinking that I am a breeder.

    My Amazon cred has gone to hell.

  • http://larue.blogspot.com Summer

    “Sniff a goodly amount of ass”. I must find a way to incorporate that into a conversation.

  • http://translucent.nu Katie

    Weren’t those button crafts fabulous? (as Tina I’m sure) Hot damn!

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    ya know, there are just terribly few days in which i get to sniff a goodly amount of ass.

  • cyn

    Rodents of Unusual Size! Princess Bride is one of my favorite movies! Twuuu Luvvv!

  • http://www.jonathanmacybiggs.com/motorskills/ jonathan

    Great story dooce. Damn, damn funny.

  • Matt

    Amazing visuals, Dooce.

    …sickly patches of grass and gurgling flows of mud that resemble stomach fluid more than anything muddy.

    …about as comfortable as barbed wire panties.

    …his hair was styled in its own natural pomade.

    After several brutal silences…

    Your ability to bring these these experiences things to life through your awesome choice of words really pretty much just fills me with envy.

  • http://www.nothing.com krotchbat

    LA Resident – shut yer yap.

  • http://farkleberries.blogspot.com the farkleberry

    “Golf Is For Pussies”…a sweet, sweet comeback! You must have that put on t-shirts, mugs, and bumperstickers: I will be the first to buy a batch. And thank you for confirming my long-held deep personal conviction that Super Target is indeed a manifestation of Heaven.

  • http://alex.mauldin.com alex

    The last Mormon I knew, and would just about consider a friend, had a fairly severe armpit fetish. He often waxed rhapsodic about the pleasures of sniffing and licking his girlfriend’s armpits. In the social circles I run in, that’s neither normal or cool. Bringing it up in conversation does kill a beer buzz in a hurry, though.

  • Butt Sniffers

    All this quoting with the ellipses and whatnot–the buttsniffing must be contained. Yes, Dooce is witty. And yes, you can come up with your own witty sayings.

  • zchamu

    Sometimes, when politeness fails, bluntness succeeds. Good work.

  • http://yahmdallah.blogspot.com/ Yahmdallah

    You are such a hoot, Dooce.

    Once when my wife and I went to an all-day summer rock concert, every time I got back from getting beer or food, yet another hairy greased pig in a thong was sitting on our blanket trying to chat up my wife, who would be ignoring said pig. Women have to put up with a lot in that regard. Thankfully, the only time women approach men in public is when they’re going to prank them.

  • anna jr.

    okay. that’s annoying.

    but tell me this:

    why is it that on several (yes, that’s more than a few) occasions in my life, when i have been sunning myself in a very public and populated location – not even in my bathing suit or anything – i have been treated, upon looking up from my book or magazine, to the sight of some random man – sitting just slightly within the public place personal space zone – with his COCK AND BALLS revealed to me?!?!?!?!


    do i look like the kind of person who might enjoy giving random stangers blow jobs?

    what IS this? why me? and the worst thing is that the only solution is to get up and leave.

    i seriously won’t go sit alone in an outside place anymore.


  • zak

    … you killed my father. Prepare to die.

  • http://alex.mauldin.com alex

    anna jr: What is “the public place personal space zone”? Other than an obvious title for a Red Hot Chili Peppers or Parliament Funkadelic album, I’m not entirely sure if you mean just out in public, or within the sphere of your personal space.

  • http://zandria.blogspot.com Zandria

    If that guy was so clueless that he couldn’t take the obvious hints you were sending to just GO AWAY AND LEAVE YOU THE HELL ALONE, then he deserved whatever it was that you needed you tell him in order to make him go away.

  • http://www.schussman.com/ Alan

    “if there’s one thing that I need to know to survive in Utah, it’s how to transform a simple linen tablecloth with eye-catching button embroidery.”

    For some reason, that triggered an Ogden flashback in me: My high school girlfriend showing me her prom dress, which had a pretty and rather modest scoop to the front. “Of course,” she told me, “my mom will fill that in with some lace.” Yep, right up to the chin. With great power, comes great responsibility. Embroider wisely.

  • http://yahmdallah.blogspot.com/ Yahmdallah

    anna jr.,

    Men are very visually keyed to nekkid female flesh (almost above all else) and many make the incorrect assumption that women are the same way. (e.g. “I like to see boobies, so she prolly wants to see ‘the Roc’.”) Not that women don’t dig a nicely shaped butt, but most really don’t consider the unit the most aesthetically enticing thing in all of creation. Especially when they haven’t explicitly requested a showing. Some dudes haven’t, uh, grasped that fact. I apologize on the behalf of my gender for this confusion.

  • http://www.absquatulate.com One

    Ah, you see Dooce, what you’ve failed to calculate was the persistant conversational power of the MORMON DOG OWNER! I mean, ya have to be persistent if one of the high callings in life it to stick you foot in-between the screen doors and the doorjam of complete strangers.

  • tortoise

    golf is for pussies is good if you’re a woman. “you wanna make out?” is better if you’re a guy.

  • Tre bored

    Dooce– I’m sorry to say— well– you’ve lost it. What happened to the cool chick in LA bumping in stars, working on amazing photo collections?

    Now all you do is moan/boast about Chuck & hubby, what color the walls are, BUTTON CRAFTS(!!!!) and what tivo is recording for you. –dude– you’re talking about guys in sweat pants for god’s sake.

    I think that it wasn’t LA that made you edgy– it was you.

    what’s going on? marriage doesn’t count cause I’m married too.

    not flaming–just askin.

  • peudepois

    Dooce. No pictures. :( No pictures since March. Boo.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    Tre bored: if you can’t see the beauty or relevance of BUTTON CRAFTS (!!!!), dude, then I think you’re the one who’s lost it. everyone could use a little button craft.

  • http://www.jodiverse.com Jodi

    What IS this comments section? A dog park? Man oh man! Some o’ the people here are not only sniffin’ a goodly amount of ass but also kissin’ it but(t) good! Yow!

    P.S. Golf blows, except when it’s miniature and a windmill is involved.

  • http:peggasus.blogspot.com PJ

    You all wouldn’t be trash talking about golf if you saw the awesome new golf bag I got for Mother’s Day.

    What is wrong with this picture: Being outside on a beautiful sunny day with your friends, getting beers from the beverage cart, finishing the game, going in and having lunch and more beers, and making it home in time for the school bus.


    Plus, the shoes are REALLY cute.

  • anna jr.

    alex -

    it’s just how far away you “should” sit from strangers in the park.

    unless you want to show some chick your cockandballs OR you are at a red hot chili peppers concert in the park, in which case you won’t have ANY personal space.