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Animals I Enjoy Imagining

As Real As It May Seem

Last night I had a dream that I gave birth to a 15lb baby boy through my belly button. He came out feet first wearing matching little blue sneakers and a plaid fishing hat, and the whole labor was entirely painless. I just pulled him out by the sneakers, and plop, there he was. I [...]

Happy and Okay

Today is the first day in over a week that I have been able to walk around and perform normal human procedures without wanting to puke my spleen through my nose, and you’d think I had taken several shots of ecstasy what with the smile on my face and lilt in my step. I’d forgotten [...]

How to Annoy Me

Sign up for a reality television show and then complain about the situations you’re being put in. You’d better eat those cow intestines with a smile on your face, motherfucker.

How to Charm Me

Wiggle your fingers in glee as we discover we scored tickets to Radiohead!

Feeling Guilty

For blaming my husband’s sperm on the fact that I’m so sick I can’t eat bologna. HE DID THIS TO ME!


I still think Martha Stewart could kick Bob Vila’s ass any day of the week.


What has to be the most disappointing album in recent history, Liz Phair: Liz Phair. No, seriously, I know I’m pregnant and all, but it’s so bad that I’m crying.

The State of My Weight

So I’ve picked up a few books and assorted reading materials here and there on the topic of pregnancy because I thought that maybe if I had a little scientific insight into what is happening to my body I might be able to stave off what I’ve heard referred to as first-trimester jitters. Many women [...]


The Bird Machine