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As Real As It May Seem

Last night I had a dream that I gave birth to a 15lb baby boy through my belly button. He came out feet first wearing matching little blue sneakers and a plaid fishing hat, and the whole labor was entirely painless. I just pulled him out by the sneakers, and plop, there he was.

I know that if I actually gave birth to a baby who was wearing clothes when he came out of the womb that I’d be quarantined and that they’d take him away and do all sorts of tests, but when I woke up from that dream I was honestly a little disappointed that it wasn’t true. I mean, having a baby who not only comes equipped with his own clothes but is evolved enough to know how to match them, that is the type of baby I can get behind.

Have you ever had weird pregnancy dreams?

  • shlee

    i once dreamt that i gave birth to my own mother… and wouldn’t you know it, she immediately began harping on me about the amount of debt i’m in. i refrained from analyzing that one because, well, it’s rather obvious. on a side note dooce, just want to tell you that you are by far the most entertaining bloggerina on the web. keep ’em coming.

  • No I have never had them. I hope that’s a good sign, being that I am a male and all.

  • You pulled him out yourself? Overachiever.

  • pd

    I dreamt that my roommate from college had triplet boys. When I told her about it, she swore that if my dream came true, she’d drop two of them off at my doorstep.

  • My recurring pregnancy dream was that the baby came out talking in full sentences. As uninteresting as this sounds, when you have one of these dreams, it will freak you out for awhile. It is very unsettling.

    I also always dreamt that the baby’s arm was able to push out through my belly button and I could just touch it like we were saying “hey!” to each other.

  • a couple of weeks ago i dreamt that i gave birth to two stripey kittens and when i tried to breastfeed them, they just shredded me with their tiny vicious teeth! of course, you’d have to know my cat to understand this fully…anyway, why haven’t i had any normal birthing dreams where i get to meet my ‘bundle of joy’ and wake up feeling fulfilled? hell, i’m 38 weeks…cut a girl a break, already. labor’s going to be hard *enough*…

  • just dreaming Im pregnant is enough to freak me out.

    had a scare this month – getting sick every morning but the test came back negative – time will tell.

    I think matching blue sneakers would be hella cool though.

  • I had a dream a few years back that I had given birth to a bag of giant marshmallows…

    And then the doctors just stood there and ate them in front of me.

    I have pregnancy dreams/nightmares all of the time, but that one takes the cake.

  • uh no. but if i do, i think there would be more to worry about than just the dreams.

  • Wow! Women have all the fun. If you have a sex change can you get pregnant? It would be worth it for the vivid psycho dreams, the bloating, the cramps, the morning sickness, the swollen joints, the constipation, the menstreul cycles, sitting when I have to pee…

  • When my former partner and I started thinking about having a baby, the dreams started immediately. The one that is most vivid in my mind took place in a Subway, where I proceded to give birth and eat a hoagie at the same time. The baby’s name? Let’s all say it together: “Jared.”

  • A DIY delivery…how fitting.

    I predict a boy for you. I knew my son was a boy at 5 weeks pregnant based solely on a dream.

    I have spoken.

  • Janna

    YES! All the time… My dreams are usually quite peaceful, and my thoughts are pleasant–“Look at what we’ve created, honey, a beautiful baby…”. And then I realize, in my dream, “Oh, shit, I’m a seventeen year old virgin, how the hell did this happen?” And I wake up in tears and sweat and wonder what the heck is wrong with my subconscious mind.

  • I once had a dream that I was pregnant to my ex boyfriend and that my mum was so happy about it she was buying me a car, a lime greem holden gemini.

    It was more like a nightmare seeing-as-tho I hate my ex and my mother would NOT be happy.

  • My husband and I both dreamed one night that I was pregnant with twins!

  • When I was pregnant about once every week I would dream about having the baby and not having anything ready–no crib, no diapers, nothing. It totally freaked me out. Then one day I realized that it would make no difference to the baby what kind of fabulous room it had, and that I should just relax. I guess that’s not so weird.

  • Let me just say that I am not, nor have I ever been, pregnant. (But we are kinda trying.) Let me also say, that I am a crazy dreamer. Here’s my recurring pregnancy dream: I’m, like, 17 months pregnant and no hospital will take me. They take one look and lock the door. So we just drive on and I just keep getting bigger, and bigger and bigger and I start to fill the backseat of the car and then they can’t get me out. Wacky, huh?

  • Nope.

  • Don

    My only pregnancy dream was the night following my first and only viewing of “Junior.” If you haven’t seen “Junior” do yourself a favor and rent possibly the greatest film ever.

  • I havent dreamt yet, but my dream baby would be toilet-trained and puke-proof.

  • SJ

    You will have many, crazy, mind-blowing dreams. I was so scared to actually spawn that I dreamt I gave birth to sweet little kittens. My husband put them in my lap and they were all purring, and I thought, “Oh, this is so much better than a real baby.” I like the real baby better than kittens now.

  • Coyote

    Every woman I’ve ever known who’s been pregnant has had at least one whacko birth dream.

    I once dreamed (while I was pregnant) that I gave birth to a giant banana. I had to peel it in order to get the baby out. I swear to god.

    I also dreamed of giving birth to a puppy. Oddly enough, even though it seemed kinda bizarre, I was perfectly okay with it.

    I wonder what Chuck will think of *your* new ‘puppy’?

  • Taylor

    No, but the other night I had a dream about you dying and it was in the headlines. The whole nation was upset and I was in tears screaming “NO SHE WAS ON THE VERGE!” and that’s all I could scream…no, I’m not a psycho I just need to get out more often. Congrats on the B!!

  • Christina

    I once dreamt I was going into labor in my high school gym, then my veterinarian showed up to deliver. I freaked, but she kept reassuring me she had plenty of practice from all the puppies and kittens she had delivered!

  • No, but now I will. Thanks a lot, Dooce.

  • Definitely dream for puke-proof as Anvita says. I had a ‘chucker’ and wearing vomit all the time isn’t fun. I can’t remember any of the dreams I had, although I know I had some wacky ones – the details are gone. Once the baby arrives, sleep is so precious – the sleep I get now is very deep and satisfying (albeit in short snatches) and I rarely remember dreams.

  • Natasha

    Two nights ago I dreamed that I was pregnant with identical twin boys. I was having an ultrasound, and the technician said, “Oh, wonderful, they’re identical.” Then she said, “And they’re boys,” and even in the dream I just felt so disappointed, as if my every chance for having a girl just went out the window. Then I woke up and felt guilty for being disappointed.

  • I, too, had those dreams where the baby came out the size of a toddler and spoke very articulately to us. Also had the one where I could see and feel his limbs through my stomach, as if my skin were made of thinly stretched silly putty. Oh, and I also had a dream in which I was breastfeeding my child but looked down and it was my cat, and I was amazed that it’s teeth weren’t hurting me. Get ready, Dooce – I’ve got a 12-week-old and it’s amazing but it certainly gets weirder. And lots more fun.

  • Beth

    I had a dream I got triplets off of eBay. I couldn’t afford all the things I needed for the babies, so I just ended up buying enough bottles for the 3 babies and one of everything else — the babies were so tiny it was no problem fitting all three in one car seat, one stroller, etc. When they out-grew the one car seat I figured I’d give them away. At least two of them… Obviously, I’m not ready for parenthood.

  • oh man, have i had weird pregnancy dreams! too many & too mixed up to write in here. the only one i’ve had that had my own supposed child in it was where i had a dark-haired little five year old. she was really pretty .. that’s about all i remember from it.

    the others are a total mix, from weird to sexy to downright pornographic .. 😀

  • natalie

    i just have dreams where all my ex-boyfriends tell me they have had a child. bastards. like they are telling me just to rub it in my face or something that i didn’t stick it out with them. take care!

  • robin

    I promise they will only get weirder. I had one where my skin was white and translucent and you could see EVERY SINGLE vien in my body, throbbing in colors that veins shouldn’t be throbbing in. And then my baby looked up at me thru this thin skin and I just couldn’t look at it.

    Also had some really good ones where my baby was made out of plastic and poo’d macaroni and cheese. Don’t ask me!

  • ALM

    I recently stumbled upon your site. Priceless. I’m not even a lesbian and I think I’m in love with you! 😉 Anyway, as a fairly new mother, I am SO looking forward to reading about your pregnancy. No matter what anyone says, go with the epideral! Oh…and you know what? I always thought I was having a girl, however, my dreams were always of a baby boy. My son, Brennan, just turned 2.

  • shadylane

    omg. pitchforkmedia gave the new liz a ZERO!!!!!!!!!
    where oh where did my liz go?????????

  • i had a dream my (pregnant) sister-in-law was in hospital due to morning sickness that had been going on for days. the hospital were going to scan her because they suspected she might be having twins. no wait. that was real!

  • Beth

    A few months ago I dreamed that I gave birth to 4 babies that promptly multiplied into 16 tiny little babies that were all sitting in a row. The next day I was already back at work and my boss told me I looked tired. I explained I had just given birth to 16 babies, and he accepted that as a totally normal reason to be tired, since obviously things like that happen all the time.

  • When my wife was pregnant with our first, I used to have a recurring dream that I was watching the baby, turned around to grab something, and he had shrunk down to about of a quarter of an inch long. He looked like a tiny pink larve, and I would spend the rest of the dream trying not to lose him and trying to figure out how to tell my wife it WASN’T MY FAULT.

    In one version of the dream, I lost him in shag carpet and it took me several hours to find him. A bad night’s sleep.

  • the drifter

    i had a dream last night that i was sunbathing on the deck of a sailboat that was sailing the serene waters of a Six Flaggs-style lake with a wooden dock going all the way around it. I was covering my stomach with my pillow so m’belly was as yella as a bohemian waxwing. yet my arms were so burnt that my skin was purple and, i believe, bubbling. anyway, it didn’t have anything to do with being pregnant, but it’s 98 degrees here and i don’t have a/c.

  • Taylor

    It’s sad D, that you’ll have to drive safely and slowly with the new one when it comes. (Yes I used an acronym for your name, it is the fright)…Oh who the hell am I kidding, the kid will build stamina for it. Keep on keepin’ on

  • I have this odd obsession with being pregnant, although I’ve never been. For some reason all those cute clothes make me want to run out and get knocked up. But the birthing thing totally freaks me out. I’m miserable to be around when I have a cold, so I’m sure I will be a joy when pregnant. I can only hope to have some freaky dreams that will distract me from my misery.

  • Amstershiresauce

    I’m 18 weeks pregnant and several weeks ago I had a dream that I was pregnant but the baby was gestating outside of my body and I had to carry him around in front of me in a big salad bowl. He was still attached to my belly button with the umbilical cord.
    On the topic of the other day… if you are reading books about pregnancy, you might want to check out Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. Although it is currently scaring the living fu¢k out of me, so don’t read it if you’re a wussy like me. It’s a real eye opener though.

  • pinky

    Almost every woman I know has had a dream that she accidentally ate her own baby, and the babies are almost always carbs! Crackers, breads, etc. What the hell is that about? Is it because they are in our abdomens, we weirdly equate them with food or something? i think it’s pretty bizarre. Then in the dreams the women feel really guilty and paniced for having eaten the baby. Yipes.

  • I dreamt that I chopped a watermelon into two halves and looked inside and the seeds were Dali-esque ants crawling all over and my son was curled up all fetal in the middle of the fruit. Lovely imagery.
    My good friend recently had an 11pound boy via C-section, he should have come fully dressed, with a job and his own apartment if he’s going to put her through that hell. It’s a matter of respect.

  • meg

    I think it’s pretty normal to have weird pregnancy dreams. I had a dream when I was pregnant that my son, who was in reality taking his sweet-ass time coming into the world, was born as a fully evolved 2 year old.

    Congratulations on the pregnancy, by the way. The fun is just beginning. 😉

  • TS

    woohoo!!!! comments are back!!! :oP

  • deb

    Just a really creepy one where the arms where hanging out my, youknow, and it was obvious my baby was dead. I kept asking my sister and she thought it was too. But no worries, my baby was born healthy and happy.

    I usually have freakshow dreams.

    BTW don’t read any North American baby books. They are ridiculous. Check out the British or Australian ones. They tend to temper commonsense with advice. NA ones obsess about weight, food, obstaining and the sort.

  • Manda

    I had a dream I was pregnant but I had a huge udder. And it was totally normal and acceptable to have a large, pink, floppy udder while pregnant. It took me a while to eat dairy again.

  • I’ve never been pregnant but have reoccuring pregnancy and birth dreams for 10-15 years. FYI- I’m 29. I think I’m a tad obsessed with wanting a baby. what wierded my partner out was when she had a baby dream. She doesn’t have a biological clock at all. She just about flipped.

  • Long live the comments!! Thank God they’re back. phew.

  • shy

    hell yes… i had a dream earlier this week that i gave birth to a baby girl… and at two months of age, she was already starting to speak! i was so proud of her.

    i’m only in my th 7th week. i can’t even fathom how much weirder they are going to get…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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