the smell of my desperation has become a stench

As Real As It May Seem

Last night I had a dream that I gave birth to a 15lb baby boy through my belly button. He came out feet first wearing matching little blue sneakers and a plaid fishing hat, and the whole labor was entirely painless. I just pulled him out by the sneakers, and plop, there he was.

I know that if I actually gave birth to a baby who was wearing clothes when he came out of the womb that I’d be quarantined and that they’d take him away and do all sorts of tests, but when I woke up from that dream I was honestly a little disappointed that it wasn’t true. I mean, having a baby who not only comes equipped with his own clothes but is evolved enough to know how to match them, that is the type of baby I can get behind.

Have you ever had weird pregnancy dreams?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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