Champagne! For lunch!

  • atomic

    Oh how I miss the Before Pregnancy days of home-from-work-lounge-1/2-dressed-on-the-bed-drinking-champagne. Nice to know we get to have those days again on the other side.

  • shaunacat

    Forget lunch, I say let’s have it for breakfast!! Please?

    As for the Bitter Apple spray – it’s never to be sprayed directly in the mouth. It’s only to be sprayed on the items you don’t want the dog to chew on.

  • Laurie

    Beautiful Crisp Picture. Love it.

    Thanks for showing things in a different light. That’s exactly why I visit you daily!


  • Dannyn

    Bitter apple is good for most dogs…just not mine, who actually like it. You could spray it on the trash can, and perhaps around the area where Leta’s toys are kept. Another thought would be to close the bathroom door when you leave. There is also a product or two out there to keep a dog from licking his…parts, either because they have a wound or just like that empty ball sac noise. It might make your life a little less stressed, but then you wouldn’t write about it anymore either. Maybe the Congressman would like champagne when you leave? As for teething, the oldest remedy should appeal to you: When the child cries because of teething (or for whaever reason, for that matter), pour a shot of Good whiskey. Take your finger, dip it in the whiskey and rub it on the childs gums. You Drink the rest. Problem solved!

  • Rabooka

    One of our dogs loves the bathroom trashcan. Then we got a lid for it that opened when you pressed a button. Then our little smarty learned how to press that button. Dang dog! Now we turn the trashcan around so the button is against the wall. Haha! Now try to get into the trash!

    You can always close the bathroom door before you leave the house.

  • amy

    That picture is simply yummy…

  • Heidi Shah

    Ah poor Chuck. It is tough being the older sibling with a baby to compete with!

    You do have to tell us why/how Chuck came to be known as the Former Congressman. I searched but couldn’t find a story about it.

  • Anna

    Dooce you rock my world. I’m a regular reader but never comment, but it has to be said – you rock! Don’t ever change for those fuckknuckles who don’t appreciate your rockingness.

    And now, i thought you might appreciate this ;)

  • Anna

    Damn that was embarrassing – it didn’t work :/
    Oh well, here’s the URL:

  • coolbeans


    If you need me, I’ll be over here getting pissed with shaunacat. Cheers!

  • sarcastic journalist

    I start my day off with a nice shot of tequila. Champagne? Don’t know if it could give me that “lets take care of a baby while drunk” feeling that we all need.

  • DogMama

    My dog went through a similar phase when I last moved. The remedy? I put his tennis ball under a heavy-duty milk crate…the kind you use in college for storage…he’ll spend 30 minutes trying to figure out how to either lift it with his snout or flip it over with his paw. By the time he gets it, he is mentally and physically exhausted….coupled with some bitter apple sprayed on the trash can and you’re on your way to a relief….by the way, what’s the status of the t-shirts?

  • Aspenchick

    Hell. Yes.

  • Mir

    Who knew photos of booze would evoke so much dog-rearing advice? Certainly not me. Color me shallow; I’m just thirsty, now….

  • Sue FO

    is it Dom? Moet? or something California? either way, it’s ALL good!

  • Amber

    Is anyone else pronouncing champagne like the Continental from SNL? You know, the other funny Christopher Walkin sketches? ok. Maybe I’m the only dork. :)

  • Elegant Goose

    Oh how lovely, another nice, long post! I love it when you can help me waste 10 minutes of precious work / homework time. (Grad school sucks… well, no it doesn’t but busywork does.)

    I too play the “guess the picture from the thumbnail game.”

  • Dawn

    Not wanting to be a downer or anything, but it sounds like Chuck is displaying the early signs of separation anxiety. Take it from a total stranger (that’s me) that you want to address this ASAP. There are lots of ways to address it, I’d tell you what we had to do but it’d take a while – email me if you care to hear my story, but I’m sure you can do research on the ol’ web all you like. But it’s definitely a LOT easier to deal with early on.

  • Carrie

    I wanted to echo Dannyn and say that my dog LOVED the Bitter Apple spray and we promptly returned it to PetCo! Just something to watch out for! :)

  • Andreah

    I bet you’re drinking Mums right?
    “Meet the parents” reference. – oh well.

    And that ghastly, dry, empty ball sack licking you hate? ARGH!! I hate it too, except my dogs is a female so it’s more like the ghastly, dry, pussy licking that I hate.

  • Cora’s mommy

    I have grown very fond of Margarita’s every night. I think I might make the best ever. I wake up looking forward to my one (BIG) drink after Cora goes to bed!

  • selzach

    Chuck and my Lily must be long-lost cousins. She also has a thing for digging tissues and whatnot out of the bathroom trash and shredding them all over the floor.
    We tried the bitter apple spray back in her puppy days. It never did keep her from chewing the ever-living shit out of the baby gate, nor did it keep her from chewing a hole in the vinyl floor. Hubby and I debated on trying hot pepper sauce, but decided it would be cruel.

  • Kris

    I want to reiterate that a stuffed Kong is something I’ve seen recommended over and over. Some owners say their dogs get *excited* when the owners show signs of leaving because they know they’re getting a stuffed Kong. You can buy cans of cheese and peanut-butter stuffing from the Kong people, but you can use your own PB too. I used liver biscotti (ohdeargoddess, biscotti for dogs, whatthefuh?) or the same kibbles she gets for dinner. She got very good at rolling the Kong around to eject them, and they were less messy than PB.

    Good luck! Separation anxiety is definitely treatable or trainable or whatever.

  • rabooka

    I have found freezing a Kong filled with peanut butter keeps my dogs in lala land for a long while.

    I want to hear Dawns story for future family planning.

  • Anne

    Peanut butter Kongs work wonders, but they elicit a rather distinctive licking sound all their own, on par with nutsack cleaning. Not to mention, you have to be okay with the smell of peanut butter. It will be everywhere. They will breathe peanut butter dog breath on you for hours.

    I don’t think I could stand peanut butter breath on Jude Law, much less a dog.

  • Anita

    We had to teach our dog the commands Leave It and Drop It, but those only work when we catch him with the contraband (e.g., bras, socks, underwear)

    We put some snappy trainers in our trash cans and those helped him from raiding those. Snappy Trainers are essentially mouse traps with big fans attached to them,so they make a big noise when the dog sticks his nose on them, but they don’t hurt him.

    Our guy usually does these bad things when he really wants attention. Even if it’s bad, he wants us to notice him.

  • noa

    champagne enema? no…never!

  • pinecone

    I am waiting for the moment that Leta starts adopting Chiuck’s behaviour. She will have, by now, registered that the dog gets up to things, and will, of course, want equal opportunities. After all, what self-respecting infant would play second fiddle to an older sibling? Especially a sibling that doesn’t always pay attention. So, I foresee an entertaining series of stories about attempting to explain the difference between people and dogs.

  • espressocrazedboy

    Still think you should put the Baby and Jon’s Parental Rights on ebay!

  • rainiac

    “My only regret in life is that I did not drink more champagne.” (John Meynard Keynes)

  • Discopitbul

    Our Maggie liked to spitefully chew the eyes off of our son’s toys. Just the eyes and just his stuff, she never touched our stuff; what a wench. Since our dogs love bitter apple, bitter orange, chewstop and every other product in that category, we just had to keep the stuffed toys in a cargo net. The best solution for us was “dog proofing”, much like baby proofing exept we didn’t need covers for the electrical outlets or door knobs. The bathroom garbage goes behind a lockable cabinet door or up on a shelf when we leave, and kitchen garbage is behind two doors in the mud room. Our dogs love nylabones and kongs and the thickest raw beef bones. Those bones are definitely outdoor only treats, because the marrow doesn’t come out of carpets. Ahh, life’s hard lessons.

  • robin

    Hey, as long as it’s noon somewhere.

  • Lisa

    You better put the sippy lid on Leta’s quick, or she will spill it all over herself. She’ll smell like booze. Then the jig will be up and Jon will know you two drink at lunch.

  • Amnesia

    So that is how you get Leta to sleep…

  • Gretchen C.

    Mmmmm, champagne. Put the bathroom trash under the sink or up on some surface. We never could keep our dog out of it. Especially if there happened to be menstrual things in there. Yuck, but it’s like caviar to them.

  • beachgal

    My dogs leave the garbage alone, but damned if I can keep them from rooting through the dirty clothes bins to demolish my underwear. And do they bother hubby’s….NO! Just mine. They do get a hold of kleenex sometimes, and lordy what a mess that makes. And oh the licking sounds. One of mine has a fetish with licking her paws. She just licks and licks and licks, and I can’t stand the sound of it.

    We don’t leave toys laying around for them to get into, cause I’ve got one who demolishes absolutely anything furry and resembling a toy. Whether it is a dog toy or not.

  • Leah

    Poor Chuck! No longer king of the house and No Nuts!

  • Colleen

    love the shot… and in response to Amber’s post re: Christopher Walkin’s Continental sketch….You’re not the only dork.

  • Michelle

    Poor Chuck. I understand that he is going through a jealous pahse with Leta but wouldn’t you try your hardest to get attention? I mean what chance does he have with gorgeous, yummy smelling Leta around? Man I feel bad for Chuck he was once the most important thing and now he is not…what else can he do BUT chew off innocent unicorn horns?

    P.S. I AM one of the 30 something childless, treats my doog like a Queen, takes her everywhere with me person….please don’t shoot me in the head at close range….

    Maybe Chuck wants to come visit…ya know for a bit of a vacation…..

  • meilaan

    I think you should carry Chuck in the Baby Bjorn thingy every day for ten minutes.

  • Mouse


    Chukk nid a latt mor trits. Iff Hithir giv Chukk a latt of mor trits, thin he wil bi 1 gud boy dag and nott be chewweeng up this thangs.

    2 Chukk: if thiy dun’t gif U the trits yew nid, dun’t stapp at chewweeng. Poopeeng on thir stuf wil werk mush bettir 4 giteeng yor misij acrass.


  • ella’s ma

    You mean champagne isn’t just for breakfast??!!??!

  • Laurie

    Heather -

    You should of ended your last entry about advice with “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!” That always makes me giggle when people say that…but I guess now I’m giving you unsolicited advice…shit! Forget everything I just wrote and please accept my sincere apology!

    My real comment – I hate when people try to act like my mamma too! If I wanted that I’d live at home!


  • Kristin

    Eating tissues is NOTHING compared to what our dog does. She eats socks. Whole. Socks that don’t belong to anyone in our household. Socks found in the wild of the backyard, by the neighbor’s swing set. And they’re nice socks. We’re talking Tommy Hilfiger here. You just give her some hydrogen peroxide and BAM up come those socks.

  • Lala Wawa

    I love mouse

  • liz

    My dog chews tissues because my ex used to feed her boogers, whih apparently she liked or she wouldn’t be always with the raiding of the bathroom trash and chewing of the tissue. – I don’t mind, at least it’s not my pradas.

  • charlotte

    in response to chuck and the trash:

    my mother’s dog gets treated like the queen that she knows she is and still underwear ends up under the kitchen table along with trash of all sorts. luckily we finally convinced her not to bring out treats from the catbox. she’s a dog. it’s what they do. they do not know that trash is trash, to them it looks highly yummy. usually by the time you punish them, they have no idea who put that stuff there. i doubt chuck is emotionaly disturbed in any way.

  • Erin

    My dog pouts evertime we leave…as if the last 8,000 times we left, we didn’t come home. HELLO, DOG-we always come home!

    I think I am going to start hiding treats around the house and make her go on a scavenger hunt when I leave. That way, its like “party! mom’s gone!”

  • kp

    I’m tempted to make a joke about the champagne…and the dog for that matter, but I guess I learned my lesson last time. Don’t threaten to kick my ass anymore internet, please! :-) But those emails you’re getting Heather? THOSE are the ones I was poking fun at. Please, people…GET A LIFE!

    Dooce–as always, keep on rockin’ in the free world.

  • leandra

    people are just jealous that they don’t drink champagne in the afternoon like you or i do. :)