How long can he hold in the smoke?

  • Kristine

    There’s no basement in the Alamo!

  • Fish

    Paging Mr. Herman.

  • Kristine

    hee hee Fish, I almost kinda knew you were going to say that.

    Mickey: I’m bad, Pee-wee. You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner. A rebel.

    Pee-wee: Deja Vu.

    Now I am going to have to watch that tonight while wrapping my presents!!

  • Fish


  • Gia on Guam

    I think there is a distinct difference between “Ass Pirate” and “Butt Pirate”. The latter being the homosexual reference and the former, a well endowed man that sails the ’7 sevens’(LOL) searching for righteous booty.

  • eco2geek

    My wife rented the two “Blade” movies in order to see if she really, really wanted to see the latest one in the theater. Conclusion: No.

    Rated “D” for dumb. (Although Wesley Snipes has a nice bod, if you’re into that.)

    Quote: “Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill.” (At which point, head bad vampire explodes in a pile of goo.)

  • victoria

    OK, I am so lame that I do not knwo what “up in yo grill,” means, even after someone explained it’s the same as “all over your jock,” because I don’t know what “all over your jock” means, either.

    “All over your jock strap” as in “I want to remove your jock strap”? “I’d like to add your jock strap to my collection”? What?

    The “explanation” was just as cryptic as the original statement.

    Just come out & explain:

    Anatomically, what part of the body is the “grill” supposed to correspond to?

    Maybe I need a “Bow-Lingual” to decipher the comments. Except I don’t know what a bow-lingual is either.

  • U.B.

    Oooh, that takes me back to one of the worst lines in recent movie memory; Samuel L. Jackson as Shaft to the damsel — “Ah consider it mah duty, to satisfy yo’ booty.”

    I bet he huddled in a hot shower, sobbing, after shooting that scene.

  • Tracy

    Ass-monkey, that funky monkey!

  • U.B.


    Grill = teeth (face)

    as in, ‘get outta my face’

  • Girl.A

    Ass-Breath. Ass-Cheese. Ass-Clown. Ass-Hat. Ass-Munch. Ass-Grammar. Ass-Soup. Ass-Fog. Ass-Prey. Ass-Rain. River of Ass.

    And the cherry on that sundae: Ass-Brow

  • Kristine

    UB- for as long as I have known, grill was face or ‘teeth’.

    My brother use to say, “She’s pretty, but she has a jacked up grill.”

    That was like…25 years ago!!

    I agree. Grill is face or teeth.

  • U.B.

    ass haiku:

    Variants of ass
    How pungent, yet repulsive
    Torment me! No more…

  • Amanda B.

    I dunno man, pretty much anything Shaft says is ok by me. He’s that cool.

    Did you see the Xfiles where David Duchovney got all high and started singing the Shaft themsong? That was wonderful.

  • Amanda B.

    Damn U.B.- that was amazing.

  • Colleen fron NJ

    Do you have something to share with us, Amazing Larry?

  • eco2geek

    Thank God there’s “”: so us squares can keep up with you hipsters.

    Dang, Gia on Guam, I’m not seeing your pictures, just an Angelfire logo. :(

  • Girl.A

    David Duchovny why won’t you wear a jock instead of a teacup?

  • Pee Wee

    I don’t make monkeys, I just train ‘em!

    Is this something you can share with the rest of us, AMAZING LARRY?

  • Colleen fron NJ

    Ass Pants.
    Is anyone as old as I to remember David Lee Roth’s ?

  • U.B.

    Colleen — I’m old enough to remember that fashion catastrophe.

    But doing so makes me want to loofah my frontal lobe to erase the horror.

    ….the horror….

  • Colleen fron NJ

    The 80′s was one big fashion catastrophe, at least for me. I have pics that make me think I has no frontal lobe back then… just hair alone was scary.

  • Kristen

    Funny – Jon reminds me a lot of my ex. Maybe it’s the beard thing. I included a link to a pic…

  • U.B.

    My wife still has a picture of me with a Peter Frampton perm and isn’t afraid to use it.

    At least I didn’t have that doo at the same I succumbed to buying a pair of heinous Zubaz clown pants.

  • eco2geek

    Ah yes, David Lee Roth’s “ass pants”: (rear view :-) .

    He’s apparently becoming a paramedic in NYC now. Wild.

  • Gia on Guam

    Sorry I guess I need to find another means for hosting.

    Anyone got a good hot crab dip receipie?

  • katekite

    he is such a MAN.

  • Kieran

    For those lucking for the famous Black Beard the Ass Pirate movies let me fill you in our certain titles..

    Pirate’s Booty
    The Little Horny Mermaid
    All hands On Dick
    Mutiny on the Booty
    Plunder and Pilage my Ass

  • Sheryl

    Dooce, I hear you on that. My grades are all over the map.

    Speaking for myself, as someone who likes to plan and control things and always expect good results, this whole “it gets worse before it gets better” reality thing sucks.

  • Big Gay Sam

    I got an F- in Sanity.

    Think about it… Mormon AND gay? how much more crazy can you get than that? huh?

  • Gooooder

    He can join the National Beard Association! Or maybe go to some beard contests they have in Germany.

    But then he’d have to grow like a spindly moustache and sculpt it with beard gel.

  • PKD

    A Christmas Carol ear worm for all of you

    The 12 STD of Xmas

  • Carol

    Gia- I’ve got a great Buffalo Chicken Dip recipe. Will that work? Otherwise, I have a really good sauteed onion dip recipe. Let me know if you want them….

  • Carol

    Dooce – I think (and I don’t really know or see you everyday, but) I think you are one sane and smart chick. Really. You’re doing great. Anyway, who really gets an A+ in life? NO ONE I KNOW!

  • honestyrain

    sanity is all in your mind.

  • Carol

    BTW, Big Gay Sam (love your name)-

    I think you are the SANEST person ever! To realize who you are and come out amidst all those rules… well, let’s just say you are one individual WHO KNOWS YO’SELF!! Hooray for you!!

    I know, I’m a bit of a cheerleader, but why the F not?

  • Lisa

    Dooce, if anyone ever makes an A+ in life I want to meet ‘em. I don’t think anyone can make an A+. What kind of boring world would this be if we did??

  • Susie

    Gia, here’s my hot crab dip:
    1 8oz. pkg cream cheese, softened
    1/2 c sour cream
    2 T mayo
    1 1/2 T lemon juice
    2 t Worcestershire
    garlic powder to taste
    1/2 c shredded cheddar cheese
    1 lb crabmeat (lump is best)
    3 dashes hot sauce
    1 1/2 T Old Bay seasoning

    1. Preheast oven to 325. Lightly grease 1 qt. baking dish.

    2. In medium bowl, mix first 6 ingredients plus 2 T of the cheddar cheese. Fold in crabmeat, hot sauce, Old Bay.

    3. Transfer mixture to baking dish. Top with remaining cheddar and sprinkle with Old Bay. Bake 30 minutes or until bubbly and lightly browned.

    Opinion: Anyone with an A or even a consistent B+ in sanity would be SUCH an insufferable bore.

  • Sheryl

    Hi Carol. Finally it is Friday. I can’t believe I can still maintain consciousness.

  • Kano

    Ok name the movie this kind of talk came from. Ima gonna get you …you fargin iceholes and when I do Ima gonna cut your fargin bells off

  • Johnny Dangerously

    And why do you always sound so stiff and stuffy?

  • Kelley

    I found myself depressed today… and after thinking what could possibly be wrong with me, I realized my TV hadn’t been on in close to 48 hours and *gasp* I haven’t had the chance to visit Dooce in like THREE DAYS, THE HORROR.

    Needless to say I feel MUCH better now.

  • Carol

    I got that one… Johnny Dangerously. Too late.

    Hey Sheryl… tired? Long week?

    We are putting together tricycles and race cars and blah blah and putting out cookies and spreading reindeer food on the lawn.

    You see, Santa comes tonight because we are travelling for Christmas. AND I’m making a Pumpkin Pie and egg something casserole for in the morning. But I am happy and sane, because I’m drinking my wine. And Hubby is helping!! : )

    Count down til Jan 1!!

    p.s. Snoop is on TV right now.

  • Sheryl

    Yes long week. Year end stuff and a big change in our business which a. might be boring to discuss here and b. might get me fired if i talked about.

    Cool you are having Christmas early. The boys are not old enough to question the early arrival of Santa :)

  • cindy

    don’t touch that man’s eyebrows with wax – they’re beautiful.

    guys who wax like that look like idiots.

  • Michelle Brady

    I just noticed that Leta got the shape of her mouth from Jon!

    It’s a nice mouth.

  • eeyorena

    C- is good. C- is better than a higher grade, anyway. I used to be A+ and it took too much energy away from just reveling in being an average mental health achiever.

    Also, it has given me permission to just have a little fun with it. Like, this morning for instance. A couple of friends called about a late breakfast at a restaurant and my husband and I decided to go in our pajamas. (We slept late.) I enjoyed every minute of it.

  • Carol

    Oh, it’s late and I’m about to give more UNSOLICITED ADVICE..well, not advice, but a fun tradition with kids. Forgive me if you already know this… but fun things to do on Christmas Eve…

    Make a mixture of grape nuts (or whatever), glitter and candy sprinkles. Before Bedtime, go out to the front yard with your kids and sprinkle said mixture to feed the reindeer.

    After kids are in bed, make a mess of the fireplace. Have your husband stand (with work boots on) in front and sprinkle baby powder or flour over the boots (Santa’s footprints!!). Walk around a little. Move the screen and generally make a controlled mess. “Wow, Santa must have been in a hurry. He’s so messy!!

    It is so fun.

    Merry Christmas (early), Dooceland. Love you all.

  • Dr. Johnny Fever

    My sanity is at a D right now. A strong D, but a D nonetheless.

  • Amanda B.

    I try to shoot for happiness and peace. Fuck sanity. It’s all relative.

    Anyway we love you and think you are peachy keen as is.