His ego writing checks his body can’t cash

  • http://symbioticfishes.blogspot.com Fish

    BigGaySam said: “She has more balls too.”

    Thank Uppercase GOD we’ve come full circle. Heather has more balls because she’s got Chuck’s in a jar full of formaldehyde on her nightstand.

    Ergo, I’m sure Juicy Ground Chuck merely has a platonic relationship with the other dog in the picture.

    See that? See how I did that? fuckin GENIUS people!

  • http://krissypants.blogspot.com krissy pants

    you likey the hateration. what about alliteration?

    One wide wanker waddled in the woo-juice wondrously with his
    weighty wife walloping in the wind waggling her wrists.

  • Cristin

    ….with wonder

  • From the land of Nod

    hp wipes away a tear.*sniffle*

  • MrsDoF

    Second Son at age 3 politely asked a lady at the grocery store
    “Do You require Assistance?” when she bumped a stack of cans and about 8 of them went rolling.
    She laughed so hard she had to grab ahold of the handle of the cart and bend her knees. I think she might have peed herself but didn’t admit it.
    The boy fetched all the cans and stacked them neatly as high as he could reach.
    Then he turned to her and asked “Are you amused because of what you did, or what I said?” sending her into another round of laughter.
    This from a mother and dad who can turn the air a smoky blue with cuss words, even on a good day.
    Oh, yeah, the picture of the doggies looks like they are having fun.

  • Dazed & Confuzed

    *D*ean…*D*ickweed. Coincidence?

  • http://flagskinny@yahoo.com Meredith

    “Gee, it seems like someone is a bit obsessive Dean, now doesn’t it?

    Reading all these entries and plotting just the right moment to show your ANGER towards a blog you MOST LIKELY read every day…

    Waiting for new photos and shaking your little hairy fist at your computer screen. She is brave enough to share her life with the world, you… not your real name even!

    Hide you face dean. It is probably all twisted with jealousy and cowardness anyways.

    And that “child” you speak of as your own is probably either very unattractive or made from loose bits of hair from your 20 cats in your cat shit smelling house.

    The only one seemingly crazy or dangerous here… is you! Fucking S-T-A-L-K-E-R!”

  • avey




  • JessicaRabbit

    Do you know what I think is really funny here, all this talk about kids hearing swearing from parents and it somehow scarring them for life, yet no one has really addressed the simple fact that there are LOTS of places children will hear swear words if the parents never swear a single day in their lives.

    Unless you lock you kids in a room and sell the t.v. or radio they are going to hear it, unless you home school your kids they are going to hear it, unless you never take them out of the house to stores or places where there are teenagers with big mouths who think saying fuck makes them cool, they are going to hear it. And the funny part to all that is what they hear outside of the house is ALWAYS a million times worse then what dirty words might slip out of mommies mouth by mistake.

    Then what happens later in life when you think you have been this great non swearing parent is your 14 year old comes home day and asks you what a DILDO is, and then tells you that he has been wondering that since FOURTH grade when he first heard the word. So really GOOD LUCK to anyone who thinks that not swearing is going to make a huge impact on a child’s life. As long as you are not swearing at them who cares if you drop a glass and say SHIT, I mean really?

  • Dazed & Confuzed

    I love JessicaRabbit

  • http://shiz.typepad.com/ Shiz

    And remember, she’s not bad, she’s just drawn that way.

    I love her too.

  • megchem

    My son is 8 which is the wonderful age where he hears EVERY swear word and promptly comments on it….drives me fucking crazy! So…although i don’t USUALLY swear around him he already know all of the most popular ones! I say fuck it…smile and have fun!!!

  • bree

    I love JessicaRabbit too. Makes sense to me.
    Suki said
    “It is the ones like Andrea Yates who kept it all in that are dangerous.”

    So does that mean you think if I refrain from cursing in front of my kids then I am going to be dangerous? Although I don’t think it is going to really hurt anything if you do cuss in front of your kids, I try not too.
    Oh yeah, I guess Dean thinks I am an awful parent too because I spank.

  • copy_kitty

    DEAN! My man! Finally, another person who espouses the “don’t tell ‘em and they’ll never know” school of child-raising!

    Profanity? If they don’t hear it from me, they won’t even know what it is when they hear it on the playground! (Note to self: do not let kids out on playground.)

    Sex? Let’s not talk about it, and it’ll go away. Right? Right. Same for birth control, STDs — all that nasty stuff. I’m just not going to tell my kids about it, and they’ll never know about it … or do it. (Note to self: never let kids out of house.)

    In fact, my kids will experience nothing less than perfection. Pure, wonderful, unspoiled, virginal perfection. (Note to self: must kill kids. Soon.)

    Yeah, Dean, catch a clue. It’s not about pretending the world is perfect.


    Now, I’m going to return to teaching my kids how “fuck” can be used as a noun, verb, adjective, etc. We’re studying grammar today.

    It’s quality time.

  • http://desperateworkingmommas.blogspot.com/ cat

    Okay, back to boobs. Tara’s? Ew! EW! How stoned was she not to notice that huge… scary nipplage hanging out? And Lindsay’s? At least she traded in the last ginormously disproportionate DD pair for a smaller set. Hospitalized for “exhaustion”? Wink, wink.

  • http://desperateworkingmommas.blogspot.com/ cat

    Oh, and Paris? She has no boobs. Smite her quick, God, before she gets any ideas!

    (Somewhere Dean is reading all the posts he instigated and whacking the monkey. I fart in his general direction.)

  • http://www.livejournal.com/~whimoffate Chessy

    Man, Dooce, your latest entry made me laugh so hard! It reminded me of the days when my best girlfriend and I were on the phone for HOURS hypnotised by Trading Spaces and other such things. She was a stay-at-home mom of a toddler and I was, um, housewife (the husband is refusing to give me kids, just yet.)

    Ah, good times. Seriously. I am going to go call Charlotte right now and leave a cracked out message about how I wish she still stayed at home with the kids.

  • U.B.

    I vote we go back to nipples and freckles. Dean’s getting way too much bandwidth in here (and probably touching himself inappropriately while reveling in the anonymous attention).

    Re: Lindsay Lohan — she was a cute kid in the Parent Trap, but seems to be morphing into kind of a strange young woman. She definitely needs to not sing in public any more…

  • Janie

    Aaaaaah! Another ‘Project Runway’ fan. I am just a little too obsessed with this show. (…”You represent the best–and the WORST.” Heidi is so cold; I love it.)

    I personally hope Nora is eliminated next. That crap she pulled last week was not cool.

  • Gia on Guam

    Oooohhh now read Jessica Rabbit’s post in the correct voice.

  • http://georgeboone.blogspot.com GEORGE!

    you said do do… ha! I was one of those kids who did do those things, like throw a knife at my brother.

  • http://honestyrain.blogspot.com/ honestyrain

    the first person i ever heard say fuck was my mother’s friend. the first person my mother’s friend’s kids ever heard say fuck was their mother.

    we all say fuck now.

    fucking get over it.

    fuck sake.

    fucking hell.


    and, lest we forget, fight for your life chuck, fucking fight for your life.

    that’s all.

    move on.

  • Gia on Guam

    Fuckalingadingdong? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • http://randomandodd.blogspot.com kristine

    Yay, i’m finally off work.
    I read Heather’s cool post on the main page about Beth.

    Okay, awhile ago Beth wrote some pretty damn cool things about Heather and Jon and someone said they liked her before she became, don’t quote me, a dooce kiss ass or something like that.
    I was pissed.
    Beth has every right to write about Heather. They’re friends (read Beth’s disclaimer in today or yesterday’s blog)and have been friends before dooce.com came along.
    So, now that I have got that out…No one better be calling Heather a Beth-kiss-ass-wanna-be.
    Cause them are fight’en words.

    On on another note…I want to be just like Closet Metro…and I plan about talking about him in the next 4 posts on my blog. They won’t be nice things because he sent me a picture of his legs kicked up on his desk with his cozie comfies on, AT MY WORK! Yes, i’m in a suit and HE IS WEARING COZY COMFIES! bastard.


  • http://Http://reformedstrippersanon.blogspot.com JessicaRabbit

    Oh wow, reading that post reminds me of when my two boys were little, they are only a year apart. Two kids needing diaper changes all day, two sets of bottles, never being able to leave the room for a second. When they were two and three years old, one night while I was at work the oldest climbed up on the bathroom counter and opened the medicine cabinet and got out a disposbale razor and shaved off one of his brother’s eyebrows. The babysitter claimed not to have even heard them in the bathroom and thought they were in their room playing. Kids are QUIET when they are being naughty. And the kicker to that is that when my youngest boy’s eyebrow grew back he cried because he said he liked it better the other way.

  • http://www.biggaysam.blogspot.com Big Gay Sam

    GEORGE! said at 04:42PM, 01.12.2005:
    you said do do… ha! I was one of those kids who did do those things, like throw a knife at my brother.


    Was it a Bowie knife? and whatever you do STAY AWAY FROM THE ALAMO!!!

  • Brooke from CT

    Wow, Heather, that was kind of harsh to your friend Kelly.
    If I were her I would secretly be somewhat pissed off, even if it is in good humor…
    Great post though. I love your relationship with Beth.

  • http://www.biggaysam.blogspot.com Big Gay Sam

    oh wait. That’s Davy Crockett :p

  • http://spelunk.blogspot.com mrs. george #2

    Meredith: And that “child” you speak of is probably… made from loose bits of hair from your 20 cats in your cat shit smelling house.

    This is freaking awesome. Everyone in this room is right about at my maturity level. VIVA LA NIPPLES!

  • Mari

    Okay, I’ll admit it. I don’t the title of Heather’s latest entry. Anyone care to explain it to me?

  • Cristin

    remember those necklace sets, two pendants that, when put together, said “Best friends”, each girl got half?

  • Mari

    Thanks, Cristin. Clearly I didn’t have one of those growing up!

  • Gia on Guam

    Check this out!!! Strange German toilets with a poo inspection shelf (no photos of feces)



  • popsicle


    Cialis – cialis is the crazy erectile dysfunction drug that 1)you write about and 2) they must broadcast the disclaimer that if your erection lasts longer than 4 hours to contact a physician. Thanks all mighty drug maker for the heads up on that one. we certainly would have no idea what else to do if 3 hours and 51 minutes later old ‘not so faithful’ was still staring at the sky.

    i notice that everytime i am over at my dad’s house on the weekend’s and he is watching golf, without fail, that commercial comes on at least three times. brilliant marketing, brilliant!

    god bless disclaimers.

  • http://www.dooce.com THAT person

    Remember the necklaces that we used to get that said “Best Friends” and you could split them so that one said “Be Fri” and the other one said “st ends”…

    That what the post title is in refrence to.

  • http://verbalbanter.blogspot.com frozensunshine

    I am so glad that I am not alone in being totally obsessed with “Project Runway.” My best friend (we don’t have necklaces, dang it) and myself love to spend our Wednesday evenings laughing hysterically at Austin and his floppy hair, and Jesus, er, I mean What’s His Face With The Rad Sunglasses Who Always Looks Like He Just Robbed A Thrift Store.

  • http://karinka1.blogspot.com karinka

    YES! Number 5,042!

    Y’all, Dooce had me a rollin’ with that TV stery. So. funny!

  • http://www.smoochdog.com Michelle

    Yipes I just wanted to say GO GET ‘EM CHUCK! And then I end up reading all these nipple, spanking, f**ck saying comments. What a vast forum. Still I say GO CHUCK!

  • http://occupant.org/anna lulu cornichon

    Go, Dog, Go!

    And thanks, Internet! I was all curious, so now I’ll have Tara Reid’s scary nipple seared into my brain forEVER. I mean it–thanks!

    Dern Google and its dern smutty pitchers.

  • http://www.veryzen.blogspot.com Amanda B.

    Lulu- yeah but you can use the scary nipple as inspiration for your next project!

  • http://humanwrites.blogspot.com Dr. Johnny Fever

    That’s not a nipple. It’s a quilt.

    “It puts the lotion in the basket!”

  • http://wizmo.blogspot.com wizmo

    One more comeback to those snotty women who say things like “My child never did that.”

    Simply look really concerned and say, “There’s nothing wrong with your child just because he/she’s not entirely normal. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.”

  • A Fan ~ Jinny

    I just wanted to say that I am SO not addicted to Project Runway. I’m not. Really, I’m not.

    BBBuuutttt, did you SEE that dress Austin whipped up for the wedding dress challenge?! Oh my gawd. I understand it’s fashion and designing and everything, but COME ON.

  • http://randomandodd.blogspot.com Kristine

    I didn’t get a chance to read the comments and I SWORE when I went to work that I wouldn’t rush home and sit there and read them all.

    BUT YOU MENTIONED NIPPLES, SLAPPING and THE FUCK WORD in a single post, and you KNOW I can’t resist that combination!

  • B

    My dad said that one of his friends got one of those erections– he said, “The damn thing was like a kick-stand.” Love your blog.

  • http://konzadiary.diaryland.com juli

    On the photo: That’s what my dogs look like when they are playing tug of war, but my pictures come out blurry.

    On the swearing: For the record, I am *not* one of the non-swearing parents. I am liking what JessicaRabbit had to say too, but I can top her. My 13 year old wanted to use *dildo* in scrabble the other night. Seriously. It was in the dictionary so we let him. On a *triple* no less.

    On the comment troll: I needed a laugh, thanks for providing it.

  • http://konzadiary.diaryland.com juli

    …and sorry about fucking up the bolding in my previous comment. Oops. I swore.

  • http://sque.blogspot.com/ Sque

    Ok, here is the secret for not having to practice birth control. LEARN IT! Read all the directions, study the diagrams [depending on type of BC] and GET IT DOWN PAT! Ya know…so you and your friends don’t EVER have to do the math!

  • mel

    Don’t worry about the raisins. If they swallow a quarter and poop out two dimes and a nickel, you have problems!

  • Caroline

    Wait a second — how do you say concrete then?