• Taegan7879

    Oh man, thats classic. I think I’ll buy that for my ex-Mormon sister who’s getting married to her non-Mormon boyfriend next month, as a wedding gift, LOL. I still remember when I was 14 years old, being TERRIFIED that I’d never get my drivers license because my mom told me the 2nd Comming was almost here. Talk about putting the fear of God into someone, haha.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    also, Nothing But Bonfires, that comment is pure genius.

  • http://joyunexpected.com Y

    I was not raised Mormon, but, rather, “Born again Christian”. (Not that I am now a practicing BAC or anything) My dad didn’t like The Mormons and would chase them down the street, waving his bible, screaming (in his thick mexican accent) things like “You’re sending people to HELL WITH YOUR LIIEEEEEESSSSSSS.”

    I guess I tell you this because I, like, TOTALLY didn’t know Mormons believed in the second coming. And finding out that they do is almost MORE AWESOME than the actually second coming itself.

  • http://bucketfullofsass.blogspot.com Giselle

    I completely expected it to say, “Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE, fo’shizzle.” I must say I’m a wee bit disappointed.

    Then again, I’m sure the Mormon teens don’t listen to Snoop Dogg (although if the current teens are anything like my high school Mormon friends, they would be all over it). And that reminds me of the time my friend Becky was demonstrating the lyrics to Shaggy’s “Wasn’t Me” by getting on the floor and slapping it with her hands. She really thought that “bangin’ on the bathroom floor” meant the couple would slap their hands against the tiles because the acoustics were awesome.

  • meredith

    I am not Morman, but I was brainwashed enough to think that after a first kiss in the last row of a movie theater at the age of twelve, that I was going straight to hell.

  • http://www.electricboogaloo.net electricboogaloo

    Eternal damnation in the firey pit of hell: How MUCH ASS WILL THAT SUCK?

  • http://maxgus.blogspot.com napangel

    Heather … you are SO going to hell.

    See ya there!!

  • http://www.nothingbutbonfires.com Nothing But Bonfires

    Oh my god, and what if Jesus, like, asks me for a pencil during the Second Coming and I, like, reach into my bag, and, like, pull out, like, a TAMPON, or something? Oh my god, how totally NOT AWESOME would that be? And then what if we, like, have to go on a water slide in heaven, and my bikini bottoms come off, and, like, Jesus is totally cute, and HE SEES IT? Like, oh my god. It could be so NOT AWESOME.

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/sparkgrrl658 stephanie

    i can’t believe that really exists.

    so much so that i really stared at it for a long while thinking “wait, oh, i get it, this is like that other post that was really funny with the crazy kids books!”

    not? unbelievable.

    ps pleasepleaseplease can i have the forsithia picture please i emailed you but i will take this opportunity of not being comment #92859385734908 to beg :)

  • shenshe

    I grew up mormon also, and the wide variety of books that deseret offers never ceases to amaze me. My mom once bought me one about music called “Apples or Onions” when she causght me listening to Nine Inch Nails, she should have realized then that I wasn’t going to grow up her perfect mormon daughter!

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    y’all, the book really exists:


  • http://jonniker.com Jonniker

    Tired Mom, yes, I’m pretty sure it is just for Mormons. The rest of us go someplace very special of our very own, with lots of very hot, very large fireplaces.

    You know, they have books like this in our grocery store check out line, too. Baptist mostly, but still. And they are a little more subversive – the title will be something like, “Mending your Marriage:” and then in very small print, “Walking in the path of the Lord to the Kingdom of Heaven.” The ones for teens are all about avoiding temptation. Of course the couple on the cover looks virginal and whatnot, and the ‘teen’s’ look like 10 year olds. Gross.

    I’m amazed at how numb I’m becoming to it all. When we first moved here, I could not stop laughing about it – it was fucking HILARIOUS and I would pick up the books and show my husband and squeal, “OH MY GOD!” But now, I have been beaten into submission and I just casually put my V-8 on the conveyor belt, pick up my requisite US Weekly, and go home, nary an amused glance.

    I’m going to miss that when we move out of this place.

  • http://www.thegirlwho.squarespace.com TheGirlWho

    This is, like, so totally cool and stuff. Although I have to repent quick-like so I can go to the Celestial Kingdom. It will be okay though because I am like, so totally in The Chosen Generation. My Sunday school teacher says so..

    Now, where did I leave my bong…

  • http://fishunderwater.blogspot.com jaime

    ‘how awesome will it be?’

    um, very!

    (what a silly question. what other answers are they thinking we could come up with? ‘eh, it’ll be kinda awesome. i mean, yeah, whatever, it’s cool.’

    (i just posted a happy-first-birthday to my kitten on my blog, and it’s like this strange appropriation and combination of your leta newsletters and your silly pictures of chuck. strange to post. but, hey, thanks.)

  • Tired mom

    Is it only going to be awesome for Mormons?

  • http://www.jbjones.blogspot.com Mrs Ca

    Wow. Every religion definitely has its weird points, and that is pretty funny. I like the hopeful uplooking girl on the cover, and how she’s blonde haired and blue eyed, like you normally describe the multitudes out there.

  • http://CartwheelsAtMidnight.blogspot.com CartwheelsAtMidnight

    There’s a masturbation pamphlet? We didn’t get that in Catholic school….

    I wonder if I’ve been doing it right.

  • SurprisingWoman


    I love the phamplet about masterbation they pass out to the boys. I think it was written by Boyd K. Packer.

    OMG, it is very interesting.

  • http://thefathousewife.blogspot.com/ Strizz

    Married people tongue kiss? Gross! (Using a Napolean Dynamite voice makes that funny in my mind)

  • http://andreaknapp.blogspot.com Andi

    I’m not a Mormon, never have been, but even I’m excited about this! :)

  • Aurora_NY

    (daily photo)
    So has the former congressman been elected sheriff now? Cool bling there!

  • mayberry_blonde

    I find it quite amusing that while looking up the correct spelling of ‘masturbation’ at Websters Online, there was a picture of George Bush along with the question: Is Bush a good leader?

  • SurprisingWoman

    This conversation didn’t get nearly as awful as I thought it would. I am proud of most, some are just never going to “get it.”

    I am proud I brought up the mastUrbation booklet. Whoot, Go Me!

    Heather, do you have your Saturday’s Voyeur tickets yet? We reserve four tables ever year for the 2pm show. We have a brunch with mimosas and bloody mary’s and head down for the show. At the show we have four high tops and drink wine and share desert. If you don’t have plans we would be proud to have you join our group. Email me, you have the address.


  • callchel

    i’ve always wanted to have a threesome with the american mormans who knock on my door occasionally.

  • http://jessieliz.livejournal.com/ jessiker

    I just have to say how fucking frightening that is.

  • Laurie

    You Go Girl!!!!! I mean Jezzy girl!!!!!!!

  • http://www.bellechats.com Rbelle

    I was at a stoplight yesterday and two nice young Mormons pulled their bikes up right next to my window. I really wanted to roll it down and ask them if a) they knew you or b) had read this book.

  • jezzy_girl

    Hey Erat – I agree with you. People do think their religion is normal, and the others are ‘nuts.’ That’s why my family and I choose to have *no* religion. (Unless you count the church of hiking which we do as a family most Sundays where we worship nature and enjoy being together as a family). We *are* more alike than different, so why separate people by religion? Religion divides people, it is not a uniter. You are right – EVERY religion has goofy beliefs, rituals, and symbols. Once I saw through the b.s. of Mormonism, it’s sure easy to see through the b.s. of ALL organized religion.

    Religion DOES separate people into ‘us’ vs. ‘them.’ People who have the truth and people who don’t. Sinners vs. people who obey commandments. It causes people to judge, it causes people to condemn, it causes people to not appreciate or celebrate all the beautiful ‘differences’ that people possess. Hate the sin, love the sinner?? What kind of nonsense is that?

    Yes, I am a good person, volunteer in the community, own a successful business, have a great marriage, am teaching my kids morals and how to be loving and accepting of all – without the weirdness of ANY religion, and without the belief in a god or anything supernatural or superstituous for that matter. no believing in hell or ghosts or the devil or eternal damnation. we take responsibility for our actions – there’s no destiny or fate – you choose your own path in this life – it’s not predestined already. It’s just us in this world. And I couldn’t be happier. Granted it took growing up *weirdly* religious for me to get to this happy place.

    So Erat, calm down – nothing is being ‘demonized’ and no one is ‘shooting’ on the way out. As for me – I’ll call a spade a spade, I’m not going to tiptoe around weird religions and ‘respect’ people’s weird beliefs. I’ll question idiosyncracies in any religion and question why?? and not just take ‘because it’s always been done that way’ as an answer.

    I feel very lucky to have been able to take the ‘blinders’ off when I did, and not waste so much of my precious life running on the neverending exercise wheel of organized religion. To live like that is exhausting.

  • erat

    Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

    Everyone thinks their religion is normal and everyone else’s is nuts. The fact is, EVERY religion looks a bit odd when it’s not your own. Grab any religion out of the air and look at its diet plan, its rituals, the lifestyle it promotes… If you think yours is somehow better or more valid, you’re not stepping back far enough to offer an informed analysis.

    I hate to break it to you, but we’re all more alike than we are different. Trying to find new and improved ways of separating folks into “us” and “them” is a waste of energy.

    It’s unfortunate that folks feel they have to demonize the things they don’t understand. It’s also unfortunate that folks who do understand but have chosen a different path are not content to simply follow that path; they have to turn around a shoot while they’re leaving. I don’t get it.


  • Robyn

    WOW! I am shocked by your lack of repsect you have other peoples beleives. Just because you choose not to practice being a morman doesn’t mean you have to dis it. I am not a morman but I respect there beleives even though I do not beleive what they do.

  • http://www.sparkliesunshine.net Angela

    It’s funny how people who have something bad to say to you always have THE WORST spelling.

  • thleen

    Ok…it’s Saturday here and I am in my “Hey! I do not have to report for anything today. WooHoo.” In otherwords, I think differently and sarcastically when I can, so I log on to Dooce.com , my favorite blog, btw, and there is that book in the photo. I paused and read the title twice. Initially thinking it was a title from that fun bookstore you found the baby book titles, you know, the teenager section…kind of a Sex Ed book for teen girls in Utah and then scrolled down and figured out what the real meaning of the title was. Then in my small little area of info I have on the Mormon religion I jumped to the “men marrying 14 year olds” part. Funny how that worked.

    PS: the forsythia pic is very beautiful.

  • Laurie

    When the second coming happens and Jesus comes to Jackson Co., MO. My friend and I decided we will road trip over there to see him at the mall or convention center. Now that will be awesome. We will make a day of it. Drive over, get some Margaritas and mexican food then go to see him at whatever appearance he is making. Because seeing him on Good Morning America will just not be the same.

  • Zoe Trope

    I love the excerpt from the publisher’s website. After detailing a horrific and tragic death of a free diver who had “bad timing”, they write:

    God’s timing, by contrast, is perfect. He knows all things (D&C 38:2). He knows what has happened to you in the past, what’s happening to you now, and what will happen to you in the future. He also knows the answer to a question many of us have asked: When will Christ come again? (Matthew 24:36). Although no one else knows the day and the hour of the Second Coming, the scriptures help us understand a little about the timing of the Lord’s return.

    For example, “I come quickly,” “nigh at hand,” and “soon” (D&C 33:18; 43:17; 38:8) make it sound as if his second coming is close. But how close? According to D&C 110:16, his coming is “near, even at the doors.” Wow! It sounds as if the Lord is on the world’s doorstep and about to knock. But these verses were revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith more than 150 years ago. So do we really know how close the Second Coming is?
    - – -

    I like the “Wow!” part.

  • Nikki Jeske

    Just… wow.

  • jen

    Dude… that is just freaky.

    We drove through Salt Lake City two years ago while driving back to Minnesota. I wanted to stay an extra couple days because it was seriously like being in a foreign country. I wanted to stay there and do some sociological studying or something — it was that strange to me.

    (Not to mention the fact that your streets make absolutely no sense and it took us a flipping hour to get out of SLC because of highway construction.)

  • http://www.stephanieandjoel.com Stephanie

    I remember from ages 8-12 I was terrified of the second coming. It sounded horrific and scary and frightening to me. I’ve been out of the church 10 years, but still to shis day when I see a rainbow I breathe a sigh of relief and think, “Ok, I have another year”.

  • http://jumpingthepuddle.blogspot.com/ Gorgonzola

    I was raised Catholic, so I’m wondering if the second coming is supposed to be, like, totally scary or awesomely cool. Will Britney be there?

  • http://www.sparkliesunshine.net Angela

    I will never not be surprised but the religous books they put out. The sad thing is I used to read books like this when I was growing up. Granted they were Christian and not Morman, but I live on the east coast, yo. What more do you want?

    In further checking out the link your provided there are plenty of other very strange books they sell. This one (http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4598672) was one of my favorites. If only my parents had known to read it.

    I hope you and your family have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the flurries!

  • http://twinklelittlestar.typepad.com Lisa Ferris


    My extended family were/are JWs. I remember being 5 years old and the Watchtower (name which always reminded me of the evil eye tower at Mordor) predicted the apocolypse in October of 1975. I had aunts and uncles who sold their houses to prepare. I always wondered what the purpose of that was. What do you need the money for in paradise? Pretty scary when you are a kindergartener.

    And it was 144,000 people. Even though there are more JWs than that. Hmmm.

  • Catalina

    Is it just me, but does the girl on the cover look like Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
    She’s all, like, ready for slayage or something.

  • jezzy_girl


    I come here for a trip down memory lane, and for like-minded thinking (oh and for a good laugh!)– and you never fail to disappoint!

    Yes I remember going to summer youth conferences and listening to the guy talking about the second coming, showing this BIG CLOCK and basically telling us that in ‘god’ time, we were in the last ten seconds of the last minute before the second coming!!!

    I also remember tasting beer for the first time (the horror!) freshman year at BYU before losing my virginity sophomore year at BYU-Hawaii! (great story, he was Tongan, it was on the rugby field–)

    Anyway, bottom line is that books like this make my so sad and disappointed. Why!! why why why do churches or organizations sell this nonsense? It’s a scare tactic – a way to sell fear, to have control and power. yuck, it makes me sick.

    I love reading all the comments – what a laugh! thank you for the atrocious masturbation pamphlet link, the proper spelling of the word ‘masturbation’ – the likening of leaving mormonism to Neo unplugging from the pod – great analogy!

    lastly – to the person who said he was Mormon and they aren’t ‘weirdos’ – um, yes, with all due respect, mormonism is a *weird* religion. You don’t see it when you are in it, you are immersed in it, your family is mormon, your friends are, etc. But once you are out – it’s so liberating! And you, from the outside looking it, can see that yes— it’s weird!! Baptisms for the dead? The ONLY truth? Joseph Smith marrying 14 year olds? Joseph Smith marrying women while their husbands were on missions? The three kingdoms? The chef hats, silly outfits, and hand signs you learn about in the temple? a new ‘celestial’ name – a codeword to get into heaven? Jackson County Missouri – where the second coming will be? being against evolution, gay people and anything the bible or b of m don’t support? The book of Abraham and the laughable way that came about? Yes – it’s all WEIRD.

    Thanks, Heather for letting us all discuss amongst ourselves, in fact – I’m getting a little verklempt!!


  • http://www.the8thnerve.com Sarah

    Wow, I wish I had a guide on coming for the second time!

  • Fox

    As a former Mormon myself, you have me almost spewing coffee all over my new laptop with laughter. I know that when I was a teen in the church, I thought about how amazing it would be… Like, totally.

    I grew up in St. George. My family’s still there.

  • licia_marie

    Go tongue. yes please.

  • jenniwithanI

    For many of us ex-Mormons, pain is behind the resentment that is behind the “condescending remarks.” It’s like therapy.

    The fallacy of the Great and Spacious Building (an allegory about people who look down on and judge other people–in the Mormon faith, evil people laughing at the saintly people, i.e., Mormon people) is that those who are in it are different than those who aren’t. Those who believe in this story shouldn’t think for a second that they haven’t been inside this “building” too.

  • http://smosey.com Elizabeth M. Johnson


  • http://www.humminahummina.com mzhummina

    I think this book may be a bit over my head. Instead I will be waiting for the LDS sponsored and adult-aimed, “The Second Coming For Dummies: Storing Up Treasures In Heaven or Do You Really Need That 401K?”

  • http://www.monkeythoughts.com monkey

    What the hell is the Great and Spacious Building? It sounds like prime real estate. Are there vending machines? I have this recurring dream that I’m trying to get to these really cool vending machines that are always located in the basement/parking garage of whatever building I’m in. But I never get to them. And sometimes in the dream, the zombie invasion starts and I don’t have time for vending machines then. *sigh*

  • wendyjol

    And life right here and right now? Isn’t that awesome!!!