• Talon

    MrsShad, you totally weren’t the only one.

    >.>

    <.<

  • Taegan7879

    Dude, you guys….Jesus is our brother! I dont want him seeing me in the shower, eww!

  • http://andromeda.qc.ca/blog Sherry

    I would actually read that book for fun. I love the expression on the girl’s face. She’s thinking of Jesus! Or maybe a bowl of ice cream.

  • http://missbehave.org MissBehave

    Hahaha you make me laugh. Your understanding of what is really important to teenagers and what they really go through is just so fantastic. I think Leta is lucky to have you, because when she’s a teenager and she’s giving you hell – you are going to be one kick ass of a mother.

  • pristy

    lbates, I love that you ask why it’s okay to mock Mormons and then in the same post mention the “Great and Spacious Building” to remind us all of how evil we are. THAT is why it’s okay to mock Mormons. Well, that and pretty much every Boyd K. Packer conference talk. And Joseph Smith’s sexual promiscuity. And the Kinderhook plates. And books like this.

  • http://FeelinFroggy FeelinFroggy

    Do you think is was a cyber space Freudian slip that the sight is MASTERbation? Is that why they you are the MASTER of your own domain?

  • she-mantis

    Ohmygod I’m TOTALLY going to sleep in full makeup and a cute outfit every night from now on JUST IN CASE.

  • http://www.blurbomat.com blurb

    I guarantee that if there were crass, smarmy and pandering Catholic or Jewish books in the supermarket and a cameraphone was present, the photo would be published here.

    Mormons, stop with the victimization. This book is pseudo-gospel horseshit. Get over yourselves. More crap like this is going to be produced if it’s intended audience buys it. Does your Mormon teen NEED a shite book like this outside of the scriptures?

  • http://FeelinFroggy FeelinFroggy

    Just a little side note, number seven on the steps to overcoming the satanic hold of masturbation paphlet says: “Never read about your problem.”

    So if you can’t read about it then how are you supposed to get through the other two steps plus the helpful suggestions? And if you get to step seven does that mean that it is too late because you have been reading about your problem? Maybe that should have been step one.

    This Mormon thing is confusing.

  • onbeelay

    Correct me if I’m wrong here but instead of the masturbation pamphlet, don’t the girls get a dating one? Like how to date the Mormon way. I.E. not until your 16, best place to go is the Temple Gardens…. Man I wish I could remember them all.

  • Stacey

    Ex-Jehovah’s Witness here. I think I just had a flashback.

  • onbeelay

    Correct me if I’m wrong here but instead of the masturbation pamphlet, don’t the girls get a dating one? Like how to date the Mormon way. I.E. not until your 16, best place to go is the Temple Gardens…. Man I wish I could remember them all. Double dates?

    Also do you think there is no explicit talk about female masturbation because its okay for females to masturbate or because the actual thought of females masturbating would bring the church elders to think impure thoughts or is it just out of the realm of possiblity that females might also wish to masturbate? Or does it not really matter all that much to Gawd because he’s not talking to us anyways?

  • http://dykewife.blogspot.com/ dykewife

    the second coming has totally different meanings to different people, and in my mind it has nothing to do with deity…*snicker* yes, i’m rude.

    i’m always surprised at the stuff that churches aim at kids. i remember reading a comic book every sunday at church, all about some kid who would sin and then find his way back to the church, do confession and be all forgiven and stuff.

    i wonder. do former mormans get morman flashbacks like catholics do?

  • skissman

    I found the masturbation pamphlet I think; and no, they are *not* in favor of it.

    http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/daily/sexuality/masturbation.htm
    I think I’m glad I’m Methodist, you know, the we really don’t want to offend anyone religion. Casserole anyone?

  • SurprisingWoman

    Here is a link to the mastUrbation information.
    ;)

    http://helpingmormons.org/Masterbation.htm

    Oops, you can tell I have some LDS roots, they didn’t know how to spell it either, maybe I learned it from the person that made the link. The brochure is correct.

  • http://www.cockamamee.com Michelle

    it’s unfortunate, but so, so true. i was very much genuinely concerned about what i would be wearing at the time of the second coming for most of my teenage years. in retrospect, i should have realized how evil and wrong my wardrobe was at that time. i hope the pictures burn with me.

  • http://www.patatomic.com patatomic

    Can’t we all just get along? Geez…all the condescending remarks ‘n stuff…(sigh).

    As a card carrying Mo this kind of stuff embarrasses me to no end. I swear that we’re NOT a bunch of weirdos.

    But of course feel free to believe whatever is most convienent or whatever fules your fire.

  • http://www.dorky.typepad.com Dorkette

    Totally! Like, I think heaven will be all the Sprite I can drink and The Carpenters’ Greatest Hits on repeat for all eternity!

  • http://parliamentarymime.blogspot.com Jude

    I love the part where you start writing in teenspeak. Like, that was so, you know, AWESOME.

  • coelacanth

    This book is no different than the voodoo doll, immaculate conception, 72 virgins, or even the rabbit’s foot. The unfortunate truth is that the vast majority of people adopt or become brainwashed into believing the superstitions of their cohort. It’s always a pleasure to read the blog of someone who hasn’t met such a fate. ;)

  • http://madkitten.blogspot.com/ MadMeer

    So how do you motivate your kids to succeed if you’re Mormon? Is it fear alone or do parents say things like: “Work really hard and do well in school, kids! The world is going to end before you can do anything with your knowledge, but do it anyway…cuz uhh…watching VH1 all day and eating ice cream is just boring!”

    I beg to differ. Call me an opportunist, but if I was constantly reminded of the 2nd coming as a kid, I would have been skippng school and doing drugs ASAP. Who needs homework when The Jeez has your back? I’d share my Cherry Garcia with a swell guy like that!

  • http://mysustanence.blogspot.com jlf

    Ok, like, mormons wait until marriage to frenchkiss? And, I agree with Heather, I do not want to be in my pjs (or anything else, for that matter) at the second coming…
    jlf

  • Haruka

    “3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn’t do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot.”

    Oh yeah, and I agree . I dont bash other religions, I RESPECT their beliefs. I may not agree with everything they do but I dont PUBLICLY bash them or say they’re stupid or whatever.

    Grow up.

  • HeySenorita

    I spent my honeymoon last summer near Cardston, Alberta, which seems to be populated entirely by Mormons. One day in town, we passed bookstore where I figured I could pick up a copy of the newest Harry Potter book. Um, nope.
    It was an LDS bookstore that also sold devotional art. It was totally bizarre going into a bookstore where I abosutely nothing was familiar. We didn’t stay long.

  • Haruka

    “3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn’t do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot.”

    Oh yeah, and I agree . I dont bash other religions, I RESPECT their beliefs. I may not agree with everything they do but I dont PUBLICLY bash them or say they’re stupid or whatever.

    Grow up.

  • http://melinor.blogspot.com MelanieinOrygun

    Leahpeah, is that an actual real diary entry? My god! I bout died. I bet big bucks my sister-in-law has a diary somewhere with that exact same entry in it…
    Kren, that is awesome. Sure it wasn’t a member of the Bush fambly?
    The comments are almost as funny as the post today!

  • lbates

    1. That book looks really lame. Most books written for LDS youth are.

    2. It’s not doctrine, it’s a book written by someone, like any other nonfiction uncannonized book.

    3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn’t do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot.

    4. Four words, if they mean anything to anyone: Great and Spacious Building.

    5. Not that it means anything to you, but off my bookmarks you go. This is disappointing.

  • PixieMegh

    Hi! Long time reader, first time commenter. Heather, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. I don’t always agree with everything you say about Mormons on this site, BUT I can see the humor in most of what you write here. Besides, it’s YOUR blog, not mine.

    I’m only posting here to defend my “coolness” because as a born, raised and still practicing Mormon I hate hearing that I can’t possibly have or be any fun because of it. A book like that would have only been bought for me as a joke by a friend as my parents knew better than to give me stupid stuff like that (in fact they might have bought something like that for me as a joke).

    For the record, even though I’ve never done anything “terrible” (ie: sex, coffee, alcohol etc.) I’m still able to live a relitively “normal” life. I just saw KoRn (who I think are banned from Utah lol) last month and would have seen Nine Inch Nails last week if I could have afforded it. I also argue with my husband on a regular basis for my right to say “fuck”.

    PS. I commend you on your bravery to live in Utah. I never will.

  • http://www.macwebguru.com doog

    Saw this notice:

    Carrie Johnston said at 03:04PM, 04.07.2006:
    PLEASE!!! For the love of whatever certain of you find holy,
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    Spelling class is now over.

    —-
    (waving arm furiously like Horshack)

    CAN WE HAVE ANOTHER CLASS?

    Seriously….
    Heather – write a PROPER book like this!! We could slip em into the stands… think of it as viral sexuality. The next generation of happy people will revere you. Or not.

  • Ryan

    I’ve always found those masturbation phamplets kind of a turn on.

    Pg 1: Don’t sleep in the same bed with your missionary companion, or you’ll burn in hell.

    Pg 2: Touching yourself innappropriately does not bring the spirit into your life, and you’ll burn in hell.

    Pg 3: You will burn in hell!

    It’s like a romance novel.

  • Haruka

    Ok, so does it really matter to anyone what relgion you are and what your beliefs are?

    Who cares if you are , are not , ever have been or whatever. Your beliefs are part of who you are, and I’m tired of people mocking what someone believes, thinks etc. This is mainly what is wrong with the world and society. I dont believe its wrong to be good and live a good life.

  • http://www.setthebarlow.blogspot.com M@

    That book will take on a new meaning when she discovers she’s multiorgasmic.

  • Askew Adventures

    I haven’t noticed these books in the stores here, but then again, I mostly use the self-checkout lanes that don’t have books. I just moved to SLC 5 weeks ago and so far I really like it here. It’s beautiful, the people are really friendly, and it’s much easier and safer to find multicultural food and people and activities than it was back in Philadelphia (mostly because sadly a lot of the cultural areas there are also scary neighborhoods). I haven’t had anyone accost me about mormonism and most of the people I’ve met are either non-mormons or recovering mormons.

  • M@

    ps: the girl on the cover – not Heather, I mean.

  • http://www.hydrangeasarepretty.blogspot.com Shelli

    OMG! That book would SOOOOO be illegal in NYC!

    I just snarfed my seltzer.

  • esther

    i’ve learned, growing up in utah, that the best way to get around the whole ‘what ward do you go to?’ and ‘wanna go to the stake dance this weekend?’ is to simply say, ‘i’m buddhist’. shut’s them up real quick and i am only silently judged.

    it also helps that i’m asian and obviously an unchristian heathen. you can’t save me! ha ha ha!

  • Laurie

    QUESTION: Why don’t Mormons drink coffee or tea but eat chocolate and coke? Is it not a caffeine thing?

  • Kren

    Not really a rapture story, but I’m reminded of the (true) story of a Texas legislator who, in speaking about a bill to make English the official language of the state, actually said, “If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.” Awesome comment, dude, and so on-target!

  • http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com Motherhooduncensored

    It’s amazing how much Fundamentalists and Mormons have in common. Okay, so there’s the whole Jesus thing. But look. When you are marrying the holy spirit, your choice of rapture outfit is tres importante.

    But lately, being the uber-deprived mother that I am, the only thing I think of when I hear second coming is, well…*ahem* Hey, we can all dream can’t we?

  • http://www.vegasandvenice.com vegasandvenice

    I like so totally hope the “second coming” doesn’t start before prom, like that would be totally not cool!

    Do Mormons have prom?

  • torihoney

    the kid’s face on the link that skissman put up is priceless. do you think they actually chose someone in the faith to represent what not to do?

    i’m famous! for masturbation. hmm. should have thought that one out a little more. not as totally awesome as i would have previously thought.

  • Smacky

    I saw that exact book the other day.

  • http://sunonyourface.livejournal.com Michael Moore

    so, did anyone read the masturbation pamphlet that was linked on here? It’s basically the funniest thing I have ever read. Well, maybe not funny. More like… terrible.

    Also, the guy on the pamphlet looked like a guilty puppy… albiet a hot one.

    As for the book, all I can think of is passing notes in class that read: “do you praise jesus? Check yes/no”

  • http://CartwheelsAtMidnight.blogspot.com CartwheelsAtMidnight

    Dear Carrie Johnston~

    Thank you. That was bugging me too.

    If there’s one word everyone should know how to spell, it’s mastUrbation.

    paige

  • Maya

    Oh man, the second coming! Geez, that will be really awesome, won’t it? Can’t wait. Life will be, like, sick, man. Jesus was so chill. I hope he’s cute.

  • http://karinka1.blogspot.com Carrie Johnston

    PLEASE!!! For the love of whatever certain of you find holy,
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    Spelling class is now over.

  • http://www.kerrianne.org kerri

    Like, I’m SO asking for that book for my birthday. And if, like, my mom doesn’t buy it for me, then I’m totally telling her she’s not awesome, and that, like, you know, she’s probably going to the hot place.

  • http://www.ittybit.blogspot.com Toyfoto

    Hey, like, Nothingbutbonfires, you can, like, sooo totally forget all that stuff you said about tampons and stuff because you’re not getting your period in heaven. Duh! And Jesus is, like, way too hot to be on a waterslide, K?

  • jenniwithanI

    If you all follow the link Skissman so kindly provided above that describes the church’s position on masturbation, you can see the accompanying picture of a young teen boy, maybe 15 years old, looking pretty frickin’ pissed that he’s not supposed to masturbate!

    Either that, or he masturbates quite frequently and is feeling the “guilt and shame”…

    It’s too much! too much!

  • Jamie

    I’m married to a recovering Mormon and live in Utah, so close to Provo I can smell the funeral potatoes and Jello. Anyhow, I’m really looking forward to the second coming. No more traffic on 15!