• jenniwithanI

    There are just no words. you have to read it to believe it. Even as a young Mormon (maybe cause I was in Jersey), I would never have believed this.


  • http://heideknit.blogspot.com Heide Mueller-Hatton

    Wow. Those Mormons (Less-mons?) really have their finger on the pulse of their target demographic. They’re about 25 years late, but whatevs.

  • http://bhappenings.blogspot.com/ betina

    Just in defense of Mormons that do NOT live in UT, I have to say I am SO embarassed when books like that are even published…. que verguenza. Such things do not represent members of the LDS church world wide… in fact, every time I go back to UT to visit I am astonished by new, embarassing things Mormon culture has invented, last time I was there (in the Fall) I saw a billboard for some Mormon culture movie “Mormon Mafia” or something. UGH. Very embarassing and so NOT they way I live my Faith.

  • http://www.chrisholmesonline.com ChrisHolmes

    Every time I read something like this I feel like Neo freed from the clutches of the Matrix. Then I feel sorry for all the suckers still plugged into the lie.

  • manei

    My dogs told me Chucks collar IS on backwards, but they didn’t want to laugh :(

  • dscokween

    not only is the second coming going to be *awesome*, but Salt Lake City will house the most evil people in the world. My vote is that heather is leading a parade down the iron rod right into the swampy depths of despair. She’s our latter-day Laman!

  • Smacky

    I like his collar “backwards.” He’s so “I’m totally making a fashion statement” with it like that.

    Huzzah for Chuck Fridays!

  • Fyse

    I can’t hear the words ‘second coming’ without thinking of the great Prophet Zarquon at the ‘Restaurant at the End of the Universe’…

    “Er, look, I’m sorry I’m a bit late. I’ve had the most ghastly time, all sorts of things cropping up at the last moment. Er, how are we for time? Have I just got a min-” BOOM!


  • http://badmetaphor.net/blog/ karenology

    “Like, OH my GAWD, I hope I don’t get roaming charges in heaven.”

  • http://www.leahpeah.com/blog leahpeah

    journal entry, celestial star date 1986:

    i spend all my nights looking to the stars while feeling enraptured by the prospect of living in the celestial kingdom and wondering how awesome it will be. you know, the telestial and the terrestrial are just not good enough and i won’t accept either one of them. they are not awesome. that is where the people that are just ‘good’ or ‘ok’ will live. you know, like mother theresa. *sigh. it takes a lot to go to the celestial kingdom. but i never show my naked body past where the garment line would be. and i never drink beer or smoke or gossip. not like jeannie. she’s so bad. she’s always gossiping and talking about people. and one of her shirts shows her complete upper arm, right to the pit. soooo bad. she is so not going to the C-kingdom. it might be lonely there since there just aren’t that many people that are righteous enough to go, but that’s ok. bigger castles for me, i guess. and more ponies!

  • Marcvs

    Me and my family are planning on flying to Salt Lake this summer and then driving to Sun Valley, Jackson Hole and Yellowstone. I have a couple of questions:

    Do you think that we should give up the rest of the trip and just stay in Utah on the off chance that we are there for the Awesome second coming?

    The girl with the glassy eyes on the cover of the book appears to be under the influence of something (I imagine it’s the Lord) – will she be O.K.?

    Finally, If the Awesome second coming happens while we are out of the state — does that mean the airport will be closed for our return trip?

    Any help with these questions would be greatly appreciated!

  • littlemy

    OMG, funniest post ever!! I love all your posts that take the mick out of mormonism. Americans can do satire, you proved it!

  • http://www.greggdigressions.blogspot.com Melessa

    I am Mormon and I’m floored (and really amused) that such a book exists. I can also guarantee that I didn’t wait for marriage to French kiss (among other things…).

    Then again, I live in Oklahoma and the books we have in the checkout line are usually written by Baptists and written more along the lines of explaining to me why I’M (imagine italics there) going to hell.

  • Trish

    We temp live with my Witness inlaws and what a treat that is sometimes. I find myself having to hold my mouth shut when it comes to certain things, the 2nd Coming included *though they don’t believe that HE will be coming back just that Armageddon is coming and HE will be executing judgement on the non believers* My MIL has given me Watchtower magazines if she thinks it pertains to me (she once gave my BIL’s girlfriend one on excessive drinking) It’s been educational for sure and has helped reaffirm to my husband and I what we DON’T want to do to our kids.

    I’ve told you before but it bears repeating: You rock Heather and I would needing more therapy than I already get if you were to stop blogging. Love to Leta and Chuck (Hi Jon!)

  • AmandaR.

    *LiKe oH My GaH!! LikE yOU KnoW WhAt ElsE WoUlD Be LikE SoOooO EmbArraSSing?!?**
    UmM HeLLO!?!
    If HE CamE WhIlE In We WeRe LiKe In thE ShOWER oR SOmeTHing!!*

    Great post! Seriously, one of my most favorites!!

  • jenniwithanI

    Those of you who are a little fuzzy on the details of appropriate kissing, should read “Is Kissing Sinful?”

    That should clear it up for you.

    As a recovering Mormon who experienced the religion as a teen, it’s stuff like this that keeps you up at night with worry!

    “What if I opened my mouth too much? Does that count as french-kissing? Will I be able to take the sacrament this week? If I don’t, then everyone will know…I’m a sinner!!!!”

    I know it’s inevitable that I’ll screw up my children in some way, but it gives me peace to know that they won’t be screwed up like this!

  • http://www.helpingmormons.org/Masterbation.htm Ryan Stewart

    Not sure if someone else has posted it or not. I didn’t take time to read all of the comments because I got so excited about the Mormon masterbation pamphlet.

    I found it! Click my name above to take a look.

    One of my favorites, “…Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember — “First a thought, then an act.” The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.”

    Damnit! I was reading (and thinking) about this pamphlet . . .

    ***scurries off to act on his thoughts***

  • http://serenitysprings.blogspot.com/ Holly L

    Is the masturbation pamphlet for or against self-enjoyment? I’m baffled by this. I don’t know if Mormons think masturbation is a sin or not.

  • http://www.i4m.com/think/sexuality/masturbation_help.htm Ryan Stewart

    Holy Shit. After doing more reading, I just found out that the “Little Factory” sermon that eventually became the pamphlet that SurprisingWoman mentioned above was written on my birthday.


  • Kate

    I thought this was possibly another belated/very early April Fool’s prank so I looked it up on Amazon. Wow.

    Book description:
    Teenagers should know that the faithful need not fear!
    Roger McKenzie knows firsthand that teenagers are unsure, even terrified about the events surrounding the Second Coming. He has personally talked to hundreds of teenagers about the events of the last days and has heard questions asked such as: “Will my family be okay?” “How can I know I’m ready?” “Have I repented enough?” “What will it be like if I’m still alive when the Savior comes again?” Relying on the scriptures, insight from Church leaders, and the effective way he connects with youth. Roger McKenzie helps fill a gap for teenagers who should know that the faithful need not fear.

    Just… wow.

  • AL

    Gosh Heather – I love you… ok not in the like the mushy way but in the “OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOU YOU’RE SO FUNNY” way….

    Your posts can always make me laugh and this one is no exception!


  • http://figcookies.blogharbor.com Caren

    Was it shelved next to the “Left Behind” series?? Or since that’s not by a Mormon author it’s not considered “true”?

    Think if I’m super nice Jesus will turn some water into wine so I can be drunk for all eternity?

  • ClaireDanish

    The church elders are all MEN, I think, and so aren’t really concerned with the women, like, totally, abusing themselves. Awesome. Anyone care to join me on the bobsled to hell? T-shirts available upon request, and much suckupage is required. Martini’s are optional.

  • http://www.trevandkat.com trevordlb


  • http://www.jennyryan.com JennyRyan

    I can totally relate to this! I am a recovering Baptist who went to a Christian school where I was told that the Rapture would occur in 1988, so I never thought I had to plan my life farther than my sophomore year in high school.

    It was a great shock to wake up one day married, as an adult, and realize that I actually did have to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.

  • http://www.jenandandrew.blogspot.com jennifer_starfall

    hey, can i get a ticket for the hell-bus? i’ll bring my own keg!

  • istealcookies

    You guys are hilarious! i love reading you blog daily. i can’t think of anything funny to add. My energy has been sucked out with being in a packed chuckee cheese’s (huh?!)for i dunno how many hours. I count tokens worth mostly now. so $20 worth of tokens. yey me!!

  • Cindi

    back in the days of mormonism – this used to scare the bejesus out of me:


  • StoneMan

    Since masturbation and premarital sex seem to be so titilating to many o the posters: please look for the “prequel”, _The First Coming_, and the third installment, _The Righteous Awesomeness of Coming, Coming, and Coming Again_. I worked HARDON those books, so please don’t be too critical. And, I’m very happy to be a faithful Mormon. Seriously. Like you said, we ARE all in this together… At least until you chaff are burned at last big bash! :)

  • http://www.jenandandrew.blogspot.com jennifer_starfall

    that’s worse than narnia… eewww.

  • SaraBylotas

    Looks like Jamie Lynn Spears passed on Scientology to become Mormon. Or they paid her a lot of money to do this cover!

  • emily

    I am very excited about the second coming. I can’t wait to meet my Savior.

  • http://sarondipity.blogspot.com/ Saron

    Hey Heather, I just got done eating your favorite Dutch dish…Chicken Bits Smothered in Peanut Butter. Do you think they will have that in heaven?

  • http://www.journeyingthroughit.squarespace.com Beverlee

    You’ve still definitely got some issues to work through there girl! But wow, there sure is some weird religious stuff out there!

  • ericales

    I’m a Member (I do get to capitalize that, right?). Got a Recommend and everything (That gets capitalized too, yes?). But that book looks retarded.

  • http://theboldsoul.com The Bold Soul

    That book cover looks like Ally McBeal praying they will bring back business suits with micro-miniskirts.

    Like, Heather, do you, like, plan to make this awesome book available for sale on your awesome blog? So the rest of us non-Mormons can read up and, like, give the book to our teens so they can think about the second coming instead of how awesome it would be to suck face with the cute boy in biology class?

  • Mack’sMom

    We need to start a GOING TO HELL CLUB!

  • http://www.carriecheron.com SingerGirl

    I think the saddest part is that I knew instantly that the book was for real. I didn’t even bother looking for signs of Photoshop.

    Heather, my mom and I have decided to bunk together in hell but there’s plenty of room for you, Jon, Leta, and Chuck.

  • Liss

    Not only do they have masterbation pamphlets, they have a book “True to the Faith, A Gospel Reference” that answers the commonly asked questions about mormonism and where they stand on certain topics like divorce and homosexuality. My neighbor gave this to me in a foolish attmept to change my evil ways. It’s just a damn shame that I’m content in my lifestyle.

  • eco2geek

    For a split second, I thought that was a picture of dooce on the cover. Shoot.

    My fundie Christian parents weren’t Mormon, but there isn’t a whole lot of difference between the two religions until you get down to the details. Funny how when your parents are that into religion, eveyone you come into contact with as a child is usually also that into religion. My piano teacher had fundie Christian comic books in her waiting area.

  • http://overdressedconfessions.blogspot.com/ kalisah

    I never thought for a second that the book might not be real. Then again, I grew up reading the “New Era.”

  • http://12tutufondue.blogspot.com Bill

    Knowing my luck the Second Coming would happen while I’m in the bathroom. Then, I’d come out and be, like, where’d everybody go?

  • http://www.lifeintheshwa.blogspot.com Heather

    Is it just me or perhaps there may be a second “second cuming” pamphlet/book about masturbation?

  • Mack’sMom

    I married the son of a Pentecostal preacher, and go out of my way to disturb her! Not only did I corrupt her son, but I’m raising her grandchild without JESUS! Since I don’t go to HER church and don’t go at least twice a week, I don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

    I pick at her…and it drives my husband nuts. I often mention that I’ll be going to hell and it’s going to be such a great place b/c I’ll know so many people there!

    I made sure to mention that I thought it would be cool to have a child on June 6, 2006….she was clueless, so I pointed out that it would 666. Her response, “Oh, that’s not even funny!”

    When we got married she gave us a book, “A Marriage with Jesus.” (or something close to that!) To be the snot I tend to be around her, I looked at my husband and said, “Oh Threesomes, this marriage thing could really work out after all!”

    If looks could kill, I would have been six feet under in that very moment!

    I could have so much fun with a masturbation pamphlet!!!

    I’m really not a mean-spirited person, I just love to mess with her!

  • http://caloden.wordpress.com Caloden

    Whenever we go to Provo to visit the in-laws I am always afraid to even set foot in the Deseret Bookstore. I fear they have some sort of Sinner Detector connected to the entrance -that if I enter, an alarm will start screaming, “Dirty rotten Catholic on the premises! Save her soul!”

    If I ever work up the courage to go in, I’m going to buy that book. Yes sir.

  • Kari

    OK, don’t think I don’t have a sense of humor or anything, because I do think that’s really very funny, but technically, awesome means that which inspires awe. And I think we can all agree that the Second Coming will inspire awe. This book merely tells just how much awe to expect.

    That is all. I love you, Dooce!

  • http://www.issasworld.typepad.com Melissa

    Oh fuck, I knew I should have gone to church once in my life. Oh wait I’m a Jew. Shit. That is a freaking funny book cover. Also, if there is a heaven and I do by some force of nature, or a supreme accident, end up there, I think it would be cool to play in the clouds in my pajamas. Although, I may be in trouble, as I tend to sleep in only the top.

  • http://aideiadeoutro.blogspot.com Paty Quartarollo

    Ok, don´t tell me that Mormons only have their first tongue kiss when they´re married!!!!!!!
    Sometimes I just like the fact that I don´t have a religion. hahahahahaha

    Just kidding.

  • http://www.maniacaldays.blogspot.com Maniacal

    Yes, I’m sure Utah is definitly a different planet….cause there is nothing like that anywhere in NJ, I can tell ya that!!

    L. That joke was funny! …cumming of Christ….tee hee heee

  • http://www.businessfist.com vinsanity

    I wasn’t going to post anything and leave it at 69, but now that it’s ruined, I can write what I want and not feel bad.

    And here’s what I have to say: It’s going to be awful lonely up in Heaven. Or at least, the marketing for Hell is getting better.